


Things I Would Love to Have Said

by hesonlytiny



Category: Japanese Actor RPF, MY FIRST STORY (Band), coldrain (Japan Band)
Genre: Angst, I actually came here for the girl? Oh well, Jealousy, M/M, Pining, Roommate, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, So much sexual dialoge and dirty talk oh well, Terrace House - Freeform, WHAT DO YOU MEAN I AM GAY AND I LIKE HIM, dating reality show, first homosexual encounter, fuck the whole world is watching, lots of banter, shared house
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:20:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 52,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25343839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hesonlytiny/pseuds/hesonlytiny
Summary: Masato had decided to go on this show. That much did he know. He was responsible for all this. So there was no going back – not even if that meant living together with Moriuchi Hiroki under the prying eyes of whole Japan.
Relationships: (Masato (coldrain)/Hanna Kelk), Masato (coldrain)/Moriuchi Hiroki
Kudos: 18





	1. NO ESCAPE

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, hullo! I’m back at it again. This time with a longer story that I have actually PLANNED OUT. I know, amazing. (Everyone: / Me: TAKE ANOTHER HIROKI/MASATO FANFICTION THAT NO ONE WANTS TO READ EVER lol). Anyway … I’ve had this idea for quite some time and I know it’s massively unrealistic (and isn’t really set today, as in … you know, Masato’s not married to Hanna, they’re all not that well known, it’s not Corona-time …) so please ignore that. I’ve also taken the liberty to use a few scenes of Terrace House loosely. Nena Ishiki does not exist, just fiy lol. I don’t know enough female celebs haha. This thing will have 10 chapters, hopefully, I am not yet sure if it’s going to be R rated … and I hope I will be able to upload regularly WE’LL SEE … now take some pictures and a music link and enjoy <3
> 
> [Masato](https://ibb.co/D8BN171)  
> [Hiroki](https://ibb.co/tss5ZB2)  
> [Shinpei (IT’S THE RIGHT ONE)](https://ibb.co/hgfb6J5)  
> [Hanna](https://ibb.co/FDXMnSb)  
> [Sayuri](https://ibb.co/4dfXGhG)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song: [Coldrain – No Escape](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-s_7oDMfjms)  
> 

I honestly didn’t know how I’d let myself get talked into all that.

My heart was pounding in my chest like a big ocean fish in a pond, panicking; and I feared it would finally find a way to escape for good. Yeah, I wasn’t the most confident type. I could talk all day if needed; dumb things, lots of dumb, irrelevant things. Ramblings, nothing more. If it was expected of me. But it was stressful – not being you. So I had decided, just this once, that I would be _fully_ me. At all times. Without worrying. Without mentally bashing my own head in. People wanted authenticity anyway, didn’t they?

And authenticity they would get. But how much we were talking – if only I’d known that.

When I opened the door on tiptoes; carefully, almost as if I could hurt it, I didn’t even hear the sound of it closing behind me through all of that noise my heart emitted, clouding my ears probably on purpose. But then I finally took in what I was seeing: this house was gorgeous! Open and big, comfortable. Modern. Lots of greys and whites and blacks and browns. Plants. Lots of greens. It looked so tidy that I feared I could not manage to take care of all of that.

The house was silent. I appeared to be the first one.

Dragging my huge black suitcase behind me, I made my way silently towards the comfy looking grey couch. On the coffee table stood some snacks, some water and glasses, and a happy looking plant. Before I sat down to wait for the next person to arrive, I curiously wondered if anyone here possessed a green thumb and could upkeep these exquisite weeds – because I certainly couldn’t. My home was full of plastic plants.

Still quite nervous, I glanced around to spot a camera filming, but I couldn’t, most of them were well hidden. So I busied myself with filling one of the glasses with water and nipping on it occasionally after I’d sat down, wishing it was beer for my nerves instead. But then I realised I had been thirsty all along and drank the whole glass in one go. probably looking humorously interesting in the process. No once could argue I wasn’t entertaining …

We hadn’t been informed beforehand who would join us. Obviously, people knew us one way or another. Some did, anyway. We weren’t supposed to be super famous. I guess producers weren’t all that confident in trying it out with big names the very first time. And ruining some careers over stupid arguments and annoying habits along the way. But they still, already, considered this format to be Japan’s version of South Korea’s “Roommate”. So we had a lot of living up to it to do, even though it did not do that well in the end. Japan was, however, very positive that this one _would_ do well. A mix between Roommate and Terrace House … what could go wrong?

Just as I was about to refill my glass once again due to well-known ocean-fish-problems, I heard the front-door open and close again. I cocked my ears in curious tension.

Funny how the thought of being filmed 24/7 didn’t bother me nearly enough as I’d thought it would. But the whole social interaction thingy? Big time. Almost as though I should have known. Notice the sarcasm.

Then, into the dull silence, entered a delicate woman probably in her 20’s with her already short hair pulled back in a sort-of ponytail, very nearly noiselessly. Baby hairs framing her face. Her smile was as wide and big and bright as someone seeing the sea for the very first time, all teeth and beaming, eyes glowing. I honestly didn’t know what to say. So I didn’t say anything at all – until she sat down and bowed in my direction.

“Hi! Nice to meet you, I am Kelk Hanna,” she introduced herself without a moment’s hesitation or any indication of stage fright or awkwardness. Her face seemed familiar somehow but I couldn’t place her. She wasn’t universally known as far as I knew.

“Hayakawa Masato,” I croaked out in a daze. I was blown away. I had met quite a few people all over the world in my life and career. But never had I met someone so naturally radiant and it blew me away totally unprepared. “Nice to meet you.”

“So, I take it we’re the first?” she kept on talking and filled one of the glasses with water, too. In this case, however, it didn’t look as though she had to busy herself with it. Her fingers played with the glass naturally and her smile was still just as brilliant. For some reason I felt stupid that I hadn’t offered filling it for her.

“Seems so,” I tried to relax despite the underlying tension and leaned back momentarily to feign confidence, “there’s four other people still coming, right?”

God, that was so awkward. And she was so inhumanely pretty.

“So, what do you do?”

“I am a musician,” I tried, again, to scrape up the last bit of calmness and confidence, “I have a band … though I don’t think you’d like that kind of music.”

I watched her face as she tried to process the new information; her huge smile not faltering once. When she gave a quick high laugh, it rang in my ears. “That’s awesome! I envy people who can _create_. I’m just good at looking _like this_.”

She pulled a funny face that both looked professional and as if she were taking the piss at the same time. Now I had to laugh too. Kind of freeing, actually. My chest felt lighter immediately. She had this weird but unique aura about her that made people listen and smile back without a moment’s hesitation.

“You’re a model?”

“Yeah.”

“Thought I’ve seen you before!”

Again, she started to snicker girlishly, her eyes almost closed. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her, not even when we both heard the door open again. But then she turned her gaze and we both peeped towards the entry way and saw a somewhat short guy, clothed in all black, scatter into this messy conversation, dragging a similarly huge black suitcase behind him. When he reached the couch and placed his luggage somewhere next to the sofa, I finally recognised him.

“Nooo,” I heard myself wailing, without being able to repress my first instinct. Then I scolded myself internally.

“Hey, I know you,” Moriuchi Hiroki laughed light-heartedly at me. I hadn’t even seen him acknowledging Hanna in this split moment at all. “Good to see you,” he nodded and sat down somewhere next to me, although still with some distance. The couch was large enough, anyway.

“You two know each other?” Hanna noted more like a fact than a question. I gave a quick chuckle, seeing that I was at least as surprised as she looked.

“Hiroki is a musician himself, quite the same genre, actually,” I tried to sound helpful and waited for both to introduce each other.

Strange. I’d been very taken aback that they would even pick _me_ ; the vocalist of such a, relatively, hard metal band. Not exactly for the mainstream-loving masses. Few mortal people knew me, although fans would definitely tune in. I guessed I wasn’t very ugly either and my bilingual, bicultural background made for a good story. But taking yet another indie-rock vocalist? Maybe they thought we would be ending up battling for the same woman in the end. Drama.

“I’m Shinichi Mori’s son,” he then clarified, and Hanna’s face lit up in recognition. ‘Thats's weird, too’ I noted, I’d never thought him to be the type to tattoo that fact onto his forehead. Although I had to admit that I didn’t really know him that well at all. But the music scene kind of knew or at least was aware of his family struggles and his emotional breakdown at the Budokan. I of course opted to stay silent then and observe the situation unfolding. I was sure he had his reasons. Maybe he just wanted to stand out from me; the position of us having both “quirky alternative vocalist” plastered to our faces.

I knew he should technically be more famous than me, even though I was his Senpai and Coldrain a tad more popular. Hiroki and me had never been friends, we rarely played the same festivals and we were just too different age-wise. We had met occasionally however and I was friends with his brother. It was weird thinking about spending so much time with him unexpectantly.

And all of a sudden Hanna became slightly less interesting.

As I watched both of them small-talk about their respective families (Hanna seemed to be half-Japanese, too), the door opened again and this time a short, again very delicate, girl walked in. She had her dark hair cut into a long bob and smiled nervously when she spotted us sitting on the couch. This time, however, everyone seemed to recognise her and gave a very surprised “haaa”-sound.

“Sayuri?” Hiroki was the first one to blurt it out. Sayuri blushed momentarily. Yet another musician?

“Wow, now I kinda feel singled out,” Hanna laughed and introduced herself in the same sentence.

“Hey, everyone!” she said in a squealing tone of voice. Very cute, very shy but you could tell that she knew exactly what she was doing. Interesting. I hadn’t met her before myself but I knew Hiroki had. “It’s nice to see you again, Hiro-Chan.”

This selection of celebrities would really prove to be interesting. And there were still two more to come.

Now knowing that Hiroki and Sayuri did not only know each other but had made music together, Hanna lit up. “You should sing Mikazuki together here some night. We should do a talent show. With all these musicians, _I shall be extraordinarily entertained_.”

“What are you gonna do? Look like this?”

I tried to pull the face she’d done after our encounter and failed miserably; she laughed. “Maybe, yeah. I can be a comedian too if you want!”

I shook my head, amused. I was kind of introverted and sometimes socially awkward. But when I started feeling comfortable around people, I could relax and joke around, tease even. I noted that I felt so glad that I didn’t have to fight for it. It was really easy melting into this group of people, although the presence of Hiroki slightly took me off balance and I could not find an explanation as to why that was. He just sat there, almost as delicate as Sayuri next to him, with his huge sunglasses on, brown hair shaggy in his face and his baggy clothes swallowing him whole. He was obviously interested in fashion, too. Maybe that was something I could talk about with him. It didn’t have to be music. The thought of talking about music with him kind of made me feel uneasy.

“I’ll get the fairy-lights!” Sayuri suddenly chimed in, raising a hand, and everyone was seemingly confused. Only Hanna, as always, chuckled along. It wasn’t unpleasant, however, and it did not seem fake. She just loved laughing. “I mean, I’m good at decorating. This talent show needs some good vibes.”

“We’ve already decided on doing this, oh great,” I sighed and let my face fall into my hands. “Thanks, Hanna,” I added and shortly realised in proper social-anxiety-manner-horror, that I hadn’t asked her if it was ok to call her by her first name. But luckily, she didn’t notice or didn’t care and so I sighed relieved and let it slide. I might have been too distracted by the fact that I already knew Hiroki and that Sayuri was known by her first name anyway.

“What exactly did I walk into here?” a relatively tall but very skinny man had joined in without us noticing. I looked up from my hands to see him wearing dark sunglasses, a black beret hat and, again, black and white clothes that appeared to be much too large for his delicate frame. I knew that Japanese fashion was all over it currently, and thus it seemed like I had yet another person to talk to about that, whoever this guy was.

“We’re talking about our upcoming talent show,” Sayuri spilled the beans happily and added an introduction before Hanna could chime in.

“Finally, a fellow non-musician!” she smiled brightly and bowed for a short second in his direction before he could even put away his luggage or sit down. “I’m Kelk Hanna, nice to meet you!”

“Takagi Shinpei!” he confirmed her suspicions and she clapped her hands. His smile was nearly as bright as hers was. I, however, could not place him. “I’m an actor. Nice to meet you.”

“I saw you in Ouran,” she went on excitedly as he sat down next to Sayuri and took off his sunglasses out of respect. He looked distinctively interesting, a bit like a cloud shape up in the sky that you could swear looked like someone you knew but then it was gone. “Good job!”

“Thank you,” he replied a bit embarrassed, scratching his neck nervously, though he strangely did not seem the type. “I’m trying my best.”

“That’s one person left, right?” Hiroki noticed and we all chimed in with a nod. Suddenly the magic of the former conversation was gone and the general tenseness over who would be walking in next was omnipresent.

We hadn’t yet seen anything else of this house; not the bathroom, not the bedrooms. I thought I’d seen a door lead to a decently sized garden. I’d never before lived in a shared house. Suddenly I caught myself fidgeting nervously with my own hands as well after all. Luckily the awkward silence did not last long, seeing that Hanna and Shinpei were deep in conversation again all of a sudden. I did not really follow and then the last one of us appeared.

A tall woman with long, thick, smooth dark brown hair. She wore her sunglasses on her head and shorts that showed her well-toned, long legs. I recognised her immediately as Ishiki Nena, a popular comedian. Especially Shinpei, who stopped talking to Hanna once Nena had walked in, seemed to be excited at the prospect of having her around.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Ishiki Nena,” she bowed as she approached the couch with lots of people looking like they knew who she was already. Her nose was a bit crooked, but she had fascinatingly big amber eyes. I knew she could deliver some witty remarks, very quick on the trigger that woman. I spontaneously decided not to get on her bad side, it wouldn’t let myself look good. “It seems like we’re complete, then!”

She still sat down for a bit and initiated a casual conversation where I mostly smiled and didn’t feel the need to chime in; we were supposed to let the viewer get an idea of who we were after all and she came last. But afterwards I felt so drained.

Oh, to be a real extrovert in this business just once …

*******

“We have a pool!” Shinpei exclaimed for the third time excitedly once we’d reached our bedroom. It was comfy looking, again, very modern. Lots of greys and lots of muted greens, too. The beds were weirdly stacked onto one another and sticking out at weird angles. There was a lounge at the front of the room and big, tall windows.

“It’s empty, though,” I tried to calm him down but it didn’t seem to bother him.

“It just means it needs some work,” he shrugged and then didn’t quite know what to do with his suitcase. “I guess the baby chooses first?”

In a knee-jerk reaction, we both turned around to look at Hiroki who looked back a bit baffled, or maybe caught? Of course he chose the upper bunk-bed. I didn’t know why but I felt kind of relieved that I wouldn’t have to share a bed on the same level as him. Who knew? Maybe he’d be snoring all night long?

After we’d stowed away our luggage and clothes, we decided to let the day ran out on our lounge. We _were_ supposed to talk about everything that happened, anyway. It felt a bit forced, to be quite frank, but Shinpei seemed to like talking a lot and I did not mind getting to know Hiroki a bit better as well.

“What do you guys think?” Shinpei opened the conversation very loosely, even though he seemed like the very curious type. One of those guys who always knew what they wanted and what to say, decidedly straight-forward. When he smiled brightly, laugh lines appeared everywhere around his eyes, which did achieve to make him look a bit more genuine. “They are all very pretty, aren’t they.”

“They are,” I answered because I didn’t see Hiroki doing so. What he did do, though, was lounging in his armchair like a big, fat cat that tolerated this circus solely for food. He tried to pull on a friendly face but I saw that there was something bothering him. Why go on such a show when you end up not saying anything? “Especially Hanna.”

“I thought so,” Shinpei laughed and gave me a friendly shove. “Yeah, she’s pretty alright, I agree. I’m just kind of happy that Nena is here, too.”

“Maybe Hiroki is happy to have Sayuri around?” I said it in a highly careful, jokingly-mocking tone with a little side-glance because I couldn’t stand how silent that guy had become in the course of the evening. It unnerved me; an unsettling feeling that I wasn’t able to describe. He’d been so cheerful when he’d come in.

Hiroki shrugged his shoulders. “I mean, yeah …”

Shinpei did not look very convinced. Just as he was about to dig deeper, Hiroki opened his mouth again. “Tell me something about you that I do not yet know.”

“I bet you know all about me already,” I saw Shinpei raise his eyebrows in mock-fashion and fell into a snorting-kind of laughter that positively managed to spill over to me; infecting me in an instance, no matter how dumb his statement had been. What a child. Hiroki still looked at him unfazed, so Shinpei pulled himself together. “Okay, I don’t know how much you both know about me. I already told you I’m an actor, though I’m technically not in the industry anymore. I live semi-regularly in Okinawa. I have dogs and a cat and an identical twin brother called Manpei.”

“Sounds like he’s one of your pets, too,” I heard myself blurting out and realised it too late but to my relief, both started snorting. I had to chuckle as well and only just managed to hide between a shaking hand. “Sorry.”

“Well, we’re living together. You’re not so far off. You two know each other well enough?”

Again, Hiroki shrugged. “Not really. I know his name, I know the name of his band. I know his music.”

“I bet you love my music,” I teased him, fully well knowing that I was carrying on with the teasing tone Shinpei had introduced. I was kind of enjoying the current vibe and felt the atmosphere lighten up a bit with every little smile Hiroki pulled together.

“You’re my senpai, I ought to _love_ it.”

Hiroki said it with such a stern poker face that I was suddenly thrown off-guard and I did not know what to respond. My face was probably telling a similar story, so I was immensely glad that Shinpei, again, came to the rescue.

“So, how about you ask Sayuri out, Hiroki?”

“What? Now?”

“Yeah, now.”

“Don’t you think it’s a little too early for that?”

Shinpei took a demonstrative glance at his wristwatch. “Or too late already, depends.”

“You know what?” I got up and immediately sensed both gazes on me. I was introverted alright but for some reason I felt driven to do it and my heart didn’t even act up. Maybe it was this weird conversation we were having, maybe it was all of these weird circumstances, maybe it was Hiroki’s presence. All of this looked like the real world but eerily resembled somewhat of a parallel-world I had accidentally stumbled into. Making rash decisions seemed like a very good idea here. “I’m gonna go and ask Hanna out.”

“Whoo, you go,” Shinpei clapped his hands once and let himself fall back in a ‘well-done-me’-fashion. I shook my head amused. What a huge clown. That ought to become interesting.

When I left the bedroom, I still hadn’t heard anything from Hiroki in this regard and wondered if he was secretly more into Hanna as well. I felt his looks in my back, however. And I caught myself wishing he really wasn’t here at all. I felt a bit intimidated in what I was doing or saying, I felt reserved and I didn’t intend to withhold everything I was thinking just because of him. So I promised myself that I wouldn’t.

How far off I was.

Standing in front of the women’s bedroom, I tentatively knocked on the door without taking into account if I heard anything inside. I just hoped I wasn’t disturbing any of them. But soon enough, Nena opened the door and peered through the gap. Then a spontaneous smile. “Yes?”

“Were you talking about us?”

“Noo,” she obviously lied, and I heard snickering from across the room.

“Can I speak to Hanna for a second?”

Nena nodded, suddenly not as excited anymore, and through the door came Hanna in her baggy pyjamas. Now her brown hair framed her face loosely, I noticed. With a soft smile, she leaned against the opposite wall and cupped her hands. She did neither look surprised nor nervous; instead she had this sublime look going on about her face she obviously wasn’t able to turn off. Something about her eyes. No wonder she was a model. She had something special on her.

“Hi, I hope I’m not bothering you …”

“Not at all, we were just talking. Is anything wrong?”

“I just thought that, because we got along so well, why don’t we go on a date?”

“You’re fast,” she laughed and I loved the way her eyes closed when she did so. “Yeah, I don’t see why not. Props to you, anyway. Have you got a day in mind?”

“I’m kind of busy this week, but maybe next? There’s an underground concert I’d love to go to if you’re up for it.”

“Fancy, I’m in,” she smiled sweetly and for a moment I thought she didn’t want to go without having said or done something she had had in mind. Then I realised she just wanted to keep looking in my eyes and so I returned her smile clumsily.

“Awesome. I’m looking forward to it!”

She nodded and turned on her heels to go back into her bedroom. I, however, kept standing there for a few moments. It had been _quite a while_ since I’d met anyone that was just so … addictive. Maybe … maybe this had been a great idea after all.


	2. Heart of the Young

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's not many people reading this fanfic (yet, I hope at least mu_um), but I'm gonna publish a new chapter anyway since I've already written quite a bit. There's also not much MasaHiro content YET but don't sweat, there's going to be~ Please have fun, dudes, and leave a Kudo or a Comment, that would make my day <3
> 
> Chapter Song: [Coldrain – Heart of the Young](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoOmyzKBSa0)  
> 

When I woke up the next morning, I noticed to my own horror that the other two beds were already empty. Still sleepy, I reached for my phone to look at the time. Just after 9am. I hadn’t set an alarm because I figured I’d just wake up naturally with the other two guys. But I had to have been so exhausted from the other day that I’d boldly slept through the whole commotion without a moment’s hesitation. 9am wasn’t that late, let’s be honest here for a second, I hadn’t taken the other two for early birds, though.

I sighed and stretched before I quickly got up to make the bed. I felt dizzy, somehow. As if I’d woken up in the middle of a bad dream that I now could not for the life of me recall. It’d probably be better to hit the shower before I dared to harass the others downstairs, I thought to myself. I was honestly so glad I had nowhere to be today …

Freshly showered and with new clothes on, I tiptoed out of the bathroom barefoot. A towel on my shoulders catching the last water drops from my still dripping hair, like one of those cliché anime dudes. But just when I reached the top of the stairs, I could already smell that someone was cooking. When I got to the bottom, I could even hear the sizzling of the fish oven. Shinpei stood in the kitchen and was making breakfast.

“Good morning,” I greeted him and didn’t quite know what to do with myself, so I awkwardly sat down. “Is there anything I can help you with?”

“Good morning,” he turned around momentarily to smile at me warmly. “No, I’m good. I like cooking and this is no trouble.”

It looked as though he was just preparing simple Japanese breakfast. Rice, fish, miso soup. Sure, we’d only just arrived yesterday and hadn’t had the time to cook, so there were no leftovers. But Shinpei honestly didn’t seem to mind. It had been a while since anyone had made breakfast for me … obviously not _just for me_.

“You enjoy cooking?” I asked him out of curiosity. It wasn’t that abnormal for guys to be into cooking of course, it just didn’t fit the image I’d had of him up until this point.

“Yeah,” he took his time with finishing his sentence, some task had probably stolen his attention. “Manpei and I often go out to eat. But when we stay home, I do the cooking, he does the cleaning. He’s an awful cook.”

“I bet it’s been hard for you finding someone you want to be with this way … at least I can imagine. They’d have to be okay with your brother.”

“You’re very straightforward,” he laughed and took the fish out of the oven. “I like that.”

Taking in his obvious compliment, I made a mental note that deciding on being honest had been a good idea after all. I felt kind of relieved and appreciated at the same time.

“Yeah, they’d have to be okay with my brother. I’ve been with him my whole life and I don’t intend on changing that.”

I wanted to add a ‘good to know’ or ‘I see’ but instead a “Where are the others?” popped out of my mouth. The topic wasn’t uncomfortable by any means, I just wondered. Shinpei didn’t look up.

“Oh, I think both Hiroki and Hanna are at work. Nena must be upstairs. We should really set up some way to let the others know.”

“Like a LINE group chat?”

“Something like that, yeah.”

I nodded, even though Shinpei couldn’t see. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to get the other’s contact information. “Thank you for preparing breakfast, by the way. I will do the dishes!”

The moment I had finished this sentence and before Shinpei could answer, I heard Nena bouncing happily down the stairs with a small tune on her lips. Even though it wasn’t very warm today, she had a colourful summer dress on that ended right above her knees. Missing one of those straw-hats, I thought to himself, she could almost pass as one of those generic anime girls in obligatory beach episodes. Fascinating. Now Shinpei only had to turn into one of those sexist anime creeps and we’d be set.

“Good morning, everyone!” She exclaimed and flopped down next to me. Didn’t ask Shinpei for help but probably saw that he was almost finished, anyway. The table was already set, too. “Did you sleep well?”

“You did, by the look of it,” I said and only meant to half-tease her. She wasn’t exactly unpleasant to be around, I didn’t know any of them that well, but I appreciated Shinpei’s relaxing vibes and the chill conversation that was now gone.

But I wasn’t here for Shinpei, was I?

“Yes, thank you for asking,” she looked at me with a grin that said ‘smug-but-only-kidding … or am I?’ “You look a bit rough, though.”

“Thank you,” I chuckled and shook my head.

“I bet you couldn’t sleep because you were so excited about that date with Hanna.”

“That must be it, although it’s not for a few days.” I had to admit, I was still weary of her witty comebacks and remarks, so I didn’t want to give her that big of a contact surface to attack, at least as long as I didn’t know her that well. It felt, however, like she was trying to chat me up in some way, she wouldn’t take her eyes off me and I only awkwardly returned the gaze. Nothing like with Hanna yesterday night. I literally had to sigh in relief when Shinpei was finally finished and transported the food over.

During the breakfast we learnt that someone had to go grocery shopping _urgently_. The food he’d used had only been there as a sort of welcome gift, so to say. There was even a note attached, Shinpei added in laughing. So after Nena and I had done the dishes, we decided to go on an errand, since Shinpei told us he’d be busy. I didn’t see the harm, although it did make me a bit nervous being all alone with Nena. But maybe it was just one of those situations where being alone with someone was in fact more enjoyable than spending time with them in a group setting.

When we got to the community car, it was a thing with four wheels (I really didn’t care much about cars), she gave an excited squeal and insisted on letting her drive the vehicle. I tossed her the keys and got in on the passenger’s seat after shrugging. I didn’t particularly hate driving but I honestly didn’t enjoy it, either, especially not in Tokyo’s street. But I had to admit that she was a good and attentive driver, she could even hold a decent conversation without being distracted.

“Have you always wanted to be a comedian?” I asked carefully after a few minutes of silence between us; the streets were full of cars and it was still a bit to the next supermarket. Nena smiled a bit shyly, as if she wasn’t sure whether she wanted to be honest with me.

“No. I’ve always been very loud and bold, so that part came natural to me,” she stopped momentarily to indicate but I was sure that she was struggling with the truth. I felt a bit embarrassed, maybe I shouldn’t have asked. “I actually wanted to be a curator. I like art.”

“I didn’t see _that_ coming,” I admitted and had to smile at the same time. I’d never thought about doing anything other than making music. That was _it_ for me. “I like art, too. I used to think I’m very much a receiver only … you know? But then I got a guitar and picked up a paper and a pen.”

“A receiver of art?”

“Yeah, if you can say that …”

“I get that,” Nena nodded, and we finally pulled into a parking garage. She picked up her former sentence once she turned off the engine, but she didn’t make an effort to get out. “I do write my skits, but other than that I honestly can’t create. Sometimes I feel like that that’s not even _creating_ , in a sense. But when I look at a painting, I am so touched by its honesty. And then I cry,” she laughed as if she just said a very reasonable thing and got out of the car.

Of course there were cameras installed in the vehicle and another one with a camera man on board, who now followed us into the supermarket, had been trailing behind us the whole time. I didn’t know what to respond to Nena’s statement, but mostly because I felt the same. I was so easily touched by art; by music, paintings and writing – it was ridiculous. But I figured I’d just keep it to myself for now, since Nena didn’t look as though she’d want a follow-up.

“What do we need?” she asked only when we had entered and realised we could have very well made a list beforehand. Or ask the other people … we really did need that LINE group chat.

“I think Shinpei wanted to make some curry tonight,” I thought out loud and listed the items and produce in my head; trying to ignore the camera man that was trailing us. “So onions, potatoes, carrots …”

“We definitely need beer. We’ll have a drink tonight,” Nena decided and put some into the shopping cart. I laughed as I tilted my head back in defeat. Then she reached for a bag of chips and then I knew that I should just let her choose. She was _one of those_. You better go grocery shopping without them, or you’ll be guaranteed to have to buy _all the shit_.

*******

I wasn’t sure how many times I’d complimented Shinpei on his cooking skills, but I knew I’d be looking forward to it every night if _this_ was his standard. Of course I didn’t expect him to do it every night, but he didn’t mind, he’d had to repeat that like a mantra while we’d been eating. While Hanna was finally here too and eating with us, Hiroki was the only one who was still not present. I didn’t _miss_ him, I just hadn’t had the opportunity to spend as much time with him as I’d had with all the others. Just yesterday I’d wished for him not to be here in the first place. It would make things a lot easier, even though I wasn’t entirely sure why and how. It was just a feeling. But now that I knew that he _was_ here … I dunno, I might as well try to connect with him.

It bothered me so much that he seemed to be in such a bad mood and I didn’t know why.

When we had finished eating and were washing the dishes, Nena pulled out the bier cans she’d carefully stored away in the big fridge. Everyone was delighted at the prospect of having a drink together and it seemed that I was the only one who feared a loose tongue. I could hold my liquor quite well, but who knew …

I was sitting right in the middle at the table, with Nena on my right side and Hanna exactly in front of me. I didn’t mind Nena next to me and I was kind of excited to be able to have eye contact with Hanna every so often. She wore her hair again pulled back, no bangs, no baby hairs this time. Very sleek and simple but you honestly didn’t need do to anything else if you had a face like hers. And a smile so bright. And a laugh so warm–

“Masato?”

I snapped out of it just to be looking at Shinpei who was offering me to fill my beer glass. Slightly embarrassed, I rubbed my temple and nodded. “Yes, thanks. I forget that you’re older than me.”

“Not by much,” he laughed and poured the beer. How could someone look and act so young and mature at the same time, anyway? Quite confusing. “You know, I’m technically retired and will be here often, anyway. So I’ll take the role of the mother hen gladly.”

On the other end of the table, Sayuri chuckled delighted. “So that’s what you’re gonna do for the talent show? Cosplay as a hen? I can help you with that.”

“I don’t know anything about this upcoming talent show,” Shinpei argued slightly confused and nipped on his beer. His eyes said both ‘I am too old for this’ and ‘I can’t resist this circus’. I grinned. “Tell me all about it.”

Suddenly a storm of voices appeared coming from all ends of the table; those three women could really turn it up. Although it was mostly Nena and Sayuri, I observed. Seeing that Hanna was containing but seemingly enjoying herself too, lips on her beer glass but smiling throughout, I began to smile as well.

“So you and Hiroki will sing _Mikazuki_?” Shinpei answered, still seemingly puzzled, after all three girls had finished their rants. That much he had evidently understood, though I wasn’t sure about the rest.

“Masato and me are gonna do a song-sketch, he’s playing the guitar,” Nena suddenly burst out, surprisingly drunk already. This time she didn’t seem to want to stop at eye contact but instead threw herself kind of all over me; one of her arms loosely around my shoulders. It was a friendly gesture, I knew I shouldn’t feel uncomfortable, but I did and for a moment I feared my eyes could betray me. Hanna began to laugh but that didn’t achieve to irritate Nena in the slightest. “Aren’t we?”

“Yeah … I guess we’ll do that,” I answered starstruck. Just so that it would distract from my current state, I intended to add anything. Ask her what it would be about or how she’d gotten the idea for it, but then I heard the front door open and close and suddenly I’d lost all the word jumble in my mouth which I spontaneously had to swallow.

Hiroki had come home and now stood a bit perplexed in the middle of the living room; Nena still around my shoulders. I cleared my throat discreetly and somehow managed to get her off me without making a fuss. He looked rough.

“Welcome home,” Shinpei said before Hiroki had the chance and smiled brightly. “I hope you’ve already eaten. We’re drinking a bit, I hope you want to join us.”

Having tucked away his shaggy hair under a beanie, Hiroki looked around a bit confused, but mostly from me to Shinpei and back again. “Yeah, yeah, sure … I’ll just get ready.”

“I hope we’re not bothering him, he seems quite tired,” Hanna commented the moment Hiroki was out of reach. She had already almost finished her beer and the alcohol had tinted her cheeks a beautiful shade of pink. I tried searching for her gaze but she would not look up.

“I think he’s old enough to say no in that case,” Shinpei spilled his wisdom and was already filling up everyone’s glasses again, even though some had not yet finished. Sayuri squealed in mock-outrage but instantly came to terms with her fate and began drinking again. Shinpei grinned satisfied.

When Hiroki trotted into the living room, he’d changed his clothes and gotten rid of the beanie; his brown hair falling loosely in his face. He tried a small smile but it looked crooked somehow. “Sorry, I’m really tired. Work’s been tough. I will have a drink with you, though.”

“That I’ll take,” Shinpei declared and got him a glass filled with beer. Meanwhile Hiroki sat down next to me after he’d stood there for a while, contemplating. Even though he didn’t seem to have showered hot, I could feel his body heat from where I was sitting. Deliberate, I lost a fleeting glance in his direction. His cheeks were hot red. Of course I wondered why but I did not dare to ask.

After that, our conversation went on pretty normal. There was bickering and little jokes and compliments and weird faces being pulled. Laughter, of course. We were all appropriately intoxicated by then, some of us more than others. We even agreed on creating this stupid LINE group chat and everyone gave their contact information. In perfect high spirits, Nena suddenly turned around to face me.

“Has someone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes? I wonder why you’re not married yet.”

For a moment I did not quite know if I’d heard her right or if she was joking, maybe. There were no words left on my tongue that I could have used to answer her. But while some were chuckling along, others were dead silent and I knew I had to at least give a short comeback. I knew my cheeks were now slightly reddish as well …

“Thank you, although I don’t know what that’s got to do with me being married or not.”

“You’re good looking,” she went on and I nodded in slight horror. I couldn’t take a compliment, especially if I wasn’t prepared. Or if it was being _delivered_ like that …

“And I’m not?” Shinpei butted in in mock-outrage, probably to save me and I thanked him mentally for it. Everyone fell into laughter, Hiroki’s chuckle next to me only cautiously dribbled along like a slow stream with too little water.

“It’s so common to be married young, though …” she went on, obviously trying to backpedal but only driving further on.

“So, none of us here is married. What does that say about us?” Hanna chimed in laughing, but a short glance in her eyes revealed that she was very much trying to help me out here, too. She wasn’t the youngest among the women, but I hadn’t taken her for the type that wanted to be married early, anyway. I shot a quick smile at her that she returned.

“Some of us choose not to get married, some of us can’t get married. I don’t think that is something to be judged by others” Hiroki suddenly exclaimed boldly. I could hear built-up anger in his fleetingly shaking voice that I was surprised to even sense, coming from him. He had both his hands wrapped around his beer glass; staring along at the table rather than fixating Nena, as if he hadn’t just been triggered by her statements. Maybe he’d really had an awful day and it was just that, or maybe this was indeed a very emotional subject for him.

_Some of us can’t get married …_

“Sorry, I didn’t intend for this to blow up or offend anyone,” Nena giggled embarrassed and pursed her lips; she obviously hadn’t thought about it twice beforehand. We were all just slightly drunk and spoke without thinking first.

“No, it’s alright,” I tried to calm down the situation a bit, “I understand that you just wanted to give me a compliment.”

A small smile from me to Nena that she returned warily. I felt the need to also say something to Hiroki but I could not for the life of me think of anything appropriate. Then Nena turned around and leaned across the table to face Hiroki, who then looked at her a bit apologetic.

“I’m sorry, Hiro-chan,” she said and bowed her head briefly. I didn’t know when they’d gotten to be on a nickname-basis.

Hiroki did a grunting sound and nodded. “It’s okay.”

The rest of the night went by relatively uneventful. We were able to hold up a decent conversation without any major incidents and even Hiroki could spare a few smiles and laughter here and there. When we both lay in our beds, however, the big overhead lights already turned off but all three of us still on our phones, I just had to ask him.

« _YOU_ : Are you ok? You seemed really upset. »

I didn’t want to ask him straightforward with cameras watching, to be quite honest, and I hoped he’d realise without calling me out. Nervously, I twisted in my bed because I just couldn’t seem to find a comfortable lying position. Hopefully he wouldn’t think that this was off-limits. Or strange. Maybe I shouldn’t have sent–

« _HIROKI_ : Yes. Thanks for asking. Today was just awful, is all. »

I sighed in relief.

« _YOU_ : I was just worried because of this whole show, you know? It’s hard to keep your emotions inside all the time. »

« _HIROKI_ : I’ll try to be more careful next time (￣▽￣)ゞ »

I didn’t quite know what to make of these messages but they were more positive than I’d feared and they did put a small smile on my lips. Maybe we wouldn’t become best friends after this, but enjoying his presence, no matter how complicated he seemed at the moment, was very well an option for me right now. Maybe.

“Good night, everyone.”


	3. New Fate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New one! This time with a first glance at MasaHiro action~ Have fun!
> 
> Chapter song: [Coldrain – New Fate](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXdn4EKl4fc)  
> 

I still couldn’t get over yesterday night’s discussion.

It had sucked itself onto the back of my neck, that one comment of Hiroki, and wouldn’t let go. And I was too tired to think about why that was. I hadn’t really been able to fall asleep easily that night. Maybe I shouldn’t have messaged him beforehand. Maybe I should have left that to today. Something about it was just rubbing me the wrong way. First he’d been cheerful, then in a bad mood and then even infuriated. But why about marriage? Or was marriage not at all the point …

“Hayakawa-san?”

Confused, I looked up from my notes on the table and realised I’d been playing with my pen, absorbed in thought. Luckily, I was good at not letting my disarray show. So I cleared my thoughts slowly, as if I’d been thinking hard about an answer, looked again at my notes and then back at my marketing adviser. I knew we were currently trying to decide on a model …

“Well, I can’t model all of that on my own. I know I will do some of it …”

“Yes, that’s why we’re looking at agencies,” Hashimoto continued and slipped me a folder with suggestions. Some of them I knew already and with some we’d already worked with. They had not been _bad_ per se, but I wanted a fresh face this time.

I carefully browsed through the profiles, face after face, name after name. But I could just not decide on any of them. They were just missing _something_. They all looked interesting enough and good enough and haute couture enough, too. But …

Maybe today was just not my day.

“Sorry, Hashimoto-san, I don’t think this is working today.”

“Do you want me to hit up some more agencies?”

“Yeah. I mean, there’s still some time left. It’s not even the middle of summer yet. Maybe I know some people I haven’t thought about …”

Hashimoto sighed. “Yeah, you’re right of course. We still haven’t heard back from the location. That’s pending, too.”

I nodded and a fleeting thought of Hiroki in my clothes passed through my head. Why? I Honestly didn’t know. Maybe because my head had been so occupied with this stupid and unimportant incident. It would be right up his alley, though. Maybe even a tad too ‘in fashion’. Of course I threw this idea away immediately after. It hadn’t been a real idea in the first place, anyway.

Just a thought. Because for some reason I couldn’t get his stupid face out of my head.

*******

After the meeting, I tumbled out of the office and into the sweltering heat of the Japanese summer. The heat had, like always, come without a moment’s notice. Just like in winter, when there’s actually a few snowflakes falling from the sky, who would have thought in winter, and no one seemed to know what to do.

I was one of those guys.

The cameraman, following me carefully, lifted his heavy equipment off his shoulders to wipe the sweat off his forehead. In a wailing tone he explained to me that he would now probably go back if I hadn’t anything else in mind I’d like to do. I agreed, because I hadn’t, and honestly, I wasn’t nearly as entertaining as they made me out to be. Plus, I was kind of relieved to be alone for a second. I could actually go do some errands or get an iced coffee some place … I smiled, and off he went.

But before I could walk off myself, I got an unexpected text message.

« _SAYURI_ : Hey, Masato! I hope I’m not bothering you. Have you got a moment to spare? »

I frowned as I read the message and momentarily searched for anything resembling a shadow that I could seek shelter under to think about what to message her back. Even though she sounded a bit like those friendly cult people who bothered you about Jesus.

« _YOU_ : You’re not. Don’t worry. I just finished my meeting. What’s up? »

She didn’t take long to reply, thankfully, though I felt sweat slowly creep down my neck and got impatient. Here, you honestly lived from air con to air con …

« _SAYURI_ : Perfect! I’m in Omotesandō right now, how about a coffee? »

We couldn’t decide on any off-brand café, even though there were tons of cute, little shops around Tokyo, so we decided to just go to Starbucks. I knew Starbucks had … great air cons at least.

Sayuri looked sweet and girlish in her “business”-attire (she’d confided in me that she’d been at a meeting, too). One side of her long bob was fixated to the side of her head with a bobby pin. Her cheeks as rosy as always. She looked as though the heat and humidity didn’t bother her at all. Whatever her secret was …

When we finally sat there at our table, iced coffee in hand, I leaned back appreciative of both the heavenly coolness, the taste of the cold drink and the absence of any camera. I’d hoped that no cameraman was following and egging her on about meeting me. I hadn’t wanted to ask her, so I was honestly very relieved that I’d assessed the situation appropriately beforehand. She hadn’t wanted to meet me because the show required us to, she’d wanted to meet me because she’d wanted to. And she hadn’t told any of the showrunners.

“It’s weird, huh? Being able to talk without being monitored all the time,” she whispered in a small voice, as if she didn’t quite believe it herself that we were now able to do that.

“I missed that,” I revealed, accompanied with a big nod. As much as you’d originally planned on being yourself, don’t be fooled, you just can’t do that perfectly, not 24/7. “I was so glad when he left,” I laughed.

“Me, too,” Sayuri chimed in and took a sip from her coffee.

She was kind of quirky, a very nice but funny girl. A bit too young, although very mature for her age, it seemed. At least I got this picture from her now that we were alone. She had perfected the hyperactive cute persona that everyone was dying for on TV and social media in Japan, all that without being fake it seemed, but without a camera directed at her, she was much more chill. I liked it.

“You just wanted to catch up?”

“I still have some errands to run but I knew your meeting would be somewhere around here, so I just hit you up,” she shrugged in a nonchalant way and smiled momentarily. As if she hadn’t a care in the world. She might not look it, but she was actually pretty confident. Otherwise she probably wouldn’t have made it this far.

“That’s fair enough, I appreciate it,” I chuckled, “I hope your meeting went more smoothly than mine.”

“It was alright,” she nodded and thought momentarily to herself, “you look a bit knackered”

“That’s how I feel,” I admitted to her and memories of last night went through my head uninvited. I heard Hiro’s angry voice defending whatever he was passionate about. I shook my head. And as though Sayuri had read my thoughts, she picked up where I’d left off.

“What an argument yesterday, right?”

I almost choked on my coffee.

“If I’m honest, I couldn’t get it out of my head the whole day.”

“Same … I felt so sorry for Hiro-Chan.”

Not knowing what to say exactly, I starred at my hands caressing the coffee cup. Did I feel sorry for Hiroki? I didn’t even know the reason as to why the subject was such a touchy one for him. In front of me, Sayuri squirmed fretfully on her chair.

“I mean, I _supposed_ it’s because of his parents …” _but I don’t know for sure_ , she left out. It did make sense, though.

_Some of us can’t get married._

After I’d nodded absentmindedly, I went back to staring the rest of my coffee warm. Sayuri didn’t seem to mind though, seeing that she kept drinking her own beverage happily and was absorbed into observing other people. Silence between us didn’t seem unnatural or awkward. I appreciated that. Although I did wonder by now why I couldn’t seem to be able to get this stupid statement of his out of my God damn head. This had gone on for way too long already.

So I tried desperately to talk myself into believing that it was _just about his parents_ because I just wanted an answer and that one was close enough.

*******

When I finally got home, admittedly a little out of breath and somewhat sweaty, I couldn’t hear a thing. The house was dead silent. Sayuri had excused herself after the coffee ‘date’ but I had no clue where the others had gone. I knew it wasn’t mandatory, but our group chat was there for a reason after all.

Sighing, although happy about the air con, I opened the fridge to get something refreshing to drink and wondered what I was supposed to do now in this big house without anyone around. It wasn’t as though I was unable to keep myself occupied when I was alone, this was just the first time I’d had time to myself since I’d moved in and it felt a tad unfamiliar. I’d just need some adjustment time, I figured.

Suddenly an abrupt clank-noise threw me out of my melancholic thoughts and off balance. I was undoubtedly far too jumpy. I hated watching horror movies, too. But suddenly it looked like I was not alone in this house after all.

When I turned the corner to inspect the garden, where I thought the noise was coming from, I saw Hiroki wandering around the pool with a presumably filled water bucket in hand. Carefully, I shuffled closer to him.

“Didn’t know you were home,” I greeted him in a low voice so as not so spook him too, “what are you doing?”

As Hiroki turned around and his gaze fell on me, he smiled momentarily, though he did look rather confused. “I had nothing better to do, so I decided to get the pool ready for the summer.”

“All by yourself? Why didn’t you wait for any of us?”

“Well, now you’re here too,” he shrugged and handed me the bucket with a smug grin, something I’d wondered about and had missed the last couple of days, weirdly enough. Again, I didn’t know him well and wasn’t sure if this was his normal or not, but at least on the few occasions I’d seen him he’d been way quirkier, way more playful. In a weird way, it put me at ease.

He had already put away the pool cover but there were still so many fallen leaves, little puddles of dirty rainwater and mud on the bottom and on the sides of the pool. I watched him ponder for a few seconds before he hopped inside decidedly nonchalant. I took that opportunity to walk closer and set the bucket aside. Hiroki stared at the mess and then at me. He wasn’t wearing sunglasses this time around and the sun let his shoulders glow a nice shade of gold. I’ve never seen him in such a loose tank top before, it suited him. He was skinnier than me and he certainly wasn’t _buff_ by all means, but he did have surprisingly broad shoulders and muscular arms. It was refreshing to see him not wanting to hide his body for whatever reason, or so I told myself.

“Looks like it’s gonna need some time and effort, anyway,” he asserted workmanlike and stretched his back as if he’d had it already, which inevitably made me laugh out loud. Slowly, like the old man I was of course, I eased myself down onto the edge of the pool, legs dangling in the air.

“Yeah, I guess so,” I agreed as I tucked up the short sleeves of my T-Shirt into a mock-tank-top myself. I’d been so happy about that God stupid air con, and now I was voluntarily out in the sun, actually considering doing manual labour in this sweltering heat. Must be because it was expected of me here … “We should start with getting rid of all that dirt and filth down there.”

“Better start with my soul then,” Hiroki suddenly said in such a deadpan way – I was still not expecting him to be in a joking mood – that I felt the loss of words momentarily cloud my mind before I’d found my voice again. He didn’t look at me, however, and so I didn’t see if he was smiling or not.

“Oh, that’s your kind of humour now, got it.” I said half-jokingly because I didn’t know what else to say. Something inside my stomach turned then, but it was not an unpleasant feeling at all, much like that feeling that you get when you’re riding a roller coaster and you’re about to take that steep drop. I had not expected to joke around with him today, but two could play this game, I knew how to tease, I was good at bantering with the right partner. At least one thing I _could_ do today. “Not feeling a little too old for that?”

“I would, but next to you I look like a baby,” he said and climbed out of the pool with no effort at all, making his way back into the house. “I’m gonna get some garbage bags.”

“Touché …,” I sighed to myself once he was out of earshot and tried to hide myself from the sun with my own two arms but failed miserably, as predicted. I thought about at least fetching some sort of hat since I wasn’t very keen on getting a sunstroke in this heat and having to go to hospital while half the world watched. When Hiroki returned, however, he not only had the bags in hand but tossed me my black summer hat with a knowing side glance, too. Secretly nursing this little flame of feeling appreciated and thought of in my chest, I put it on.

“Don’t wanna get you too hot and bothered,” he joked and this time, I didn’t say anything.

It took us quite some time to get to a point where we were mostly satisfied with the outcome. It was certainly not as clean as a whistle now that we were finished, but it would have to do, we had given it our best after all. The sun stood already relatively low on the horizon and was about to set, but the others were still not home. Hiroki and I were sitting on the patio underneath the shelter of an awning and sipping on iced tea. All the while believing that we’d earned that, of course.

“Did you see Shinpei’s message earlier?” Hiroki asked into the comfortable silence. I shook my head without making a move to look at my phone. Hiroki laughed softly. “He’s randomly asking if anyone here can’t stand cats.”

I shook my head in confusion about his foolishness. “Probably about to prove someone wrong,” I thought to myself out loud. “I prefer dogs.”

Hiroki, who was sitting next to me, cocked his ears. “Cats are _wonderful_ , though.”

“I haven’t said otherwise. I just like dogs better.”

Silence, then: “You know, Shinpei told me that him and his brother have one cat and, like, four dogs, two of them Great Danes,” Hiroki tried to explain in a ‘isn’t-it-obvious’-voice but he didn’t really get his point across.

“I mean, that’s kinda on them, isn’t it?”

“Don’t play daft,” Hiroki shouted appalled and – I certainly didn’t see it, not even in the corner of my eye – took off his tank top to throw it at my head. And, of course, he didn’t miss.

Momentarily perplexed and searching for words, I grabbed the black cloth that faintly smelled of salt and sweat off my face and tossed it in the direction of the pool. Sadly, I didn’t seem to be nearly as good at throwing as him. Now looking at him, I made a disgusted face, but he just sat there; all laughing and smug smiles. “He seems to like both dogs and cats, why are we even arguing?”

The longer he was laughing, the harder it got for me not to chime in, and so I did after a while because I was not _actually_ annoyed. Not really. I didn’t even get why it was so funny, but his laughter was sort of contagious. He had his head thrown back over the back rest and his eyes were closed, when he’d finally calmed down, he wiped his face with the back of his hand sloppily. I’d noticed his tattoos before of course, but now they suddenly looked a bit more prominent. And all of a sudden it became awkward to look at him like that and I averted my eyes before he could look at me. Uncomfortable, I shifted around in my seat.

“I like both cats and dogs, too,” Hiroki said then, a tad too serious for my tastes and I couldn’t figure out why that bothered me.

Again, silence. Then: “What’s with you and Hanna by the way? When’s your date?”

I risked a short glance at him, and he was looking back. So I nervously busied myself with fetching him his shirt back and telling myself that that was literally compensation for him bringing me my hat. And maybe it would be easier for me to look at him if he were fully clothed again. “Next weekend. I’m looking forward to it.”

Hiroki struggled a bit putting his shirt back on, or maybe he’d just wanted to stay this way, it was still so depressingly hot. “But it seems like Nena is all over you, too.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, but even though he’d had his stupid tank top back on, it’s gotten harder for me to meet his eyes. “Aren’t you happy that Sayuri isn’t all over me yet, too?”

“ _Yet_?” Hiroki snorted with laughter, “you’re so full of yourself. I bet you were born with a mirror in hand.”

“Believe it or not,” I whispered with a wink, “I was never that popular in school. The attractiveness came with the bleached hair.”

But to my own surprise, this time Hiroki hadn’t anything to retort but a weak laugh. Maybe he thought that I wasn’t kidding, or he was done kidding. Maybe he was bothered about the way I talked about Sayuri. Whatever it was, I probably wouldn’t get to know the answer to that, and I wouldn’t ask.

Just when it felt like he was about to say anything after all, we both heard the front door open and while Hiroki swallowed down his words, both Hanna and Sayuri came round the corner and marvelled at the work we’d done. All the sweat and laughter and smiles and golden skin.

For a moment I’d forgotten where we were.


	4. The Maze

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOTS OF BANTERING MESSAGE GOODNESS and cats ... I'd be lying if I said that I didn't get this idea from burakkukarasu's fic "Sweet As Sugar", but psshht :'D I hope you enjoy it <3 MASATO IS SLOWLY COMING TO TERMS WITH IT ... ;)
> 
> Chapter song: [Coldrain – The Maze](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sk82jdNy5gw)  
> 

When Hanna and I left that evening for our date, I wasn’t worried in the slightest.

We had been talking and joking a lot in the meantime, before and in between, which had led me again to the conclusion that asking her out at the first chance I got had been a great idea. At least I knew that it wouldn’t be awkward between us; we got along splendidly. I was honestly looking forward to it, just as I had told Hiroki the day at the pool. Solely the cameraman who accompanied us managed to make me somewhat nervous. Normally, the thought of always being watched didn’t bother me as much, this was the first time I felt slightly uncomfortable at the thought.

We had been escorted to the place, as in: some unlucky dude had to drive us to the venue (and pick us up again) because we were planning on drinking the occasional beer or two. As we were on our way to the place from where he had dropped us off (it probably looked better on TV like that), we were walking so close that our shoulders touched momentarily, the sun was setting beautifully on the horizon in front of us. What a shot.

“That concert, I can’t stop wondering if I’ll like the music,” Hanna confessed, sounding a bit nervous, but without looking at me. We were mere minutes away from the location but I kind of got her thoughts of concern. Not every genre was made for everyone and it was so easy to lose interest when it clashed with your expectations. But I was adept enough to choose a band that was not absolutely unthinkable to ‘normal’ folks. Something radio-worthy. If we’d really get along in the long run, I could always show her what kind of music I was making and was into.

“Don’t worry, maybe it’ll be a bit different to what you’re used to, but I’m sure you’ll like it all the same,” I assured her with a short side glance and a smile, “and if not, we can always escape and have this date someplace else.”

“I don’t think that’ll be necessary,” she laughed again her open-mouthed and closed-eyes laughter, “I’m sure we’ll have fun there either way. I just really want to like the music that you like.”

“Woah, no, it’s okay if you don’t,” I replied, being caught slightly off guard by her declaration, even if she hadn’t meant it quite like that. I had never before thought about it, really. I had found the occasional girlfriend at concerts and most of them had shared my love for hard music, though it had never seemed to work out so well with any of them. I wouldn’t necessarily think that that was because of our common interest, but I also didn’t have any experience that would tell a different story. If anything, I was excited to see where a possible relationship would go when music wasn’t the driving force. She was a model and would likely be as busy as me at times.

Here I was, reprimanding myself mentally, already thinking about how life would look like with her on my side. I smiled to myself as my gaze fell on her and her delicate body.

The lights inside the venue were already dimmed when we got in. There were lots of people but certainly not too many for its capacity. It was quite loud in there, however, with everyone chatting along to the soft background music, the live show hadn’t even started. I was accustomed to this of course, concerts as first dates would only be suitable if the couple felt at ease with dancing more than talking. And I for one was looking forward to that.

Hanna seemed to be very down-to-earth and straightforward when it came to her tastes, when I went to get us drinks, she immediately settled for a cold beer and thanked me when I handed it to her. There was not much space and so we naturally stood relatively close together. I had noticed the occasional look in our direction and was sure that some people had recognised me. Fortunately for us, the cameras around us kind of managed to double as people-repellent, too.

“Are you nervous?” I asked teasingly and only half-serious. By all means, I could either mean the concert or the fact that we were on a date. But she didn’t seem to be nervous around me at all.

“Well, I’m accompanied by a handsome guy and there’s good beer and music,” Hanna shrugged with a small smile and jokingly touched my arm with her shoulder to keep my attention. She was feisty alright, in a good way of course, she didn’t seem as though there would be ever a scenario in which she didn’t know what to say.

“So you’re just here for my looks and the show,” I laughed before I took a first sip from the cold beer. She had her gaze fixated on me and was laughing quietly to herself.

There was really not a thing you could not like about her, it seemed.

When the concert started, I saw her make big eyes. It wasn’t _metal_ per se, it wasn’t hard, but soft rock. It had driving melodies and the occasional hard and fast drums and a guitar solo. She liked the singer’s voice, she told me then after a while.

“Do you think you’d like mine, too?” I kind of yelled into her ear because of all the noise. She told me she still hadn’t listened to any of my songs. She didn’t know how I sounded like. It made me curious as to see what she thought about it.

“I’m sure,” she confessed, “I have listened to Hiro’s band, though. I was just interested in hearing how the son of Mori Shinichi and Masako sounds like.”

“I see,” I forced a smile and even though it might have seemed like I was annoyed at her answer, I was not. I wasn’t disappointed that she had checked out MY FIRST STORY but not Coldrain. For some reason I just hadn’t expected to hear Hiroki’s name again on this date.

“He sounds a bit like his brother,” I tried to be somewhat helpful, “just a lot _different_ , too.”

Hanna agreed enthusiastically and took another sip as she faced the stage again.

What about him _was_ so different, anyway? I tried to scold myself for even spending one single second thinking about anyone else on this day, but it didn’t work at all, I could not get myself to stop wondering about him. Taka was so easy to get along with, he was always joking, but an appropriate amount. I never had to worry about what I should say or do with him, it was easy. With Hiroki … I kept catching myself wondering about stuff like that far too often. And yet … it didn’t feel _hard_ at all, either. Sometimes I caught myself feeling nervous. But it was a good kind of nervous. The way you felt like when–

Subconsciously I’d noticed the band beginning to play a very much enthusiastic, danceable piece; all the while trying to get the masses moving. Hanna obviously didn’t need to be told twice, when I looked at her, she was already bouncing up and down; touching me here and there momentarily with her arms and sides. I looked at her and had to smile softly. I didn’t even consider the option that she would have more fun than me. So I tried to let it encompass me; let her infect me with her good mood and positive attitude. Slowly, I began to move to the beat as well and soon we were a small whirlwind of questionable dance moves as I twirled her around and she grabbed my hips or shoulders fleetingly as she flew and jumped.

I couldn’t stop laughing and smiling. This was the most fun I’d had in a very long time and I realised how much I’d missed sharing that with another person.

So why was it then that I couldn’t for the life of me forget about Hiroki for one single second?

*******

It was around noon when I decided to come down to grab anything small to eat as long as Shinpei hadn’t started preparing dinner yet. I knew that Sayuri and Hanna were out, but I didn’t know what the others were up to.

When I shuffled – not suspecting anything suspicious – sluggishly down the steps, I was suddenly met with a big, chunky, grey ball of fur that gave me a spontaneous heart attack. And so I yelped startled in a high pitched voice that made the others come running. Then, mischievous laughter.

“What the fuck,” I tried to compose myself as the information sank in that there was a cat sitting in front of me. Just like that. Randomly.

“Sorry, I’d thought about telling everyone beforehand but then I had to get him earlier than anticipated,” Shinpei explained and lifted the pet up into his arms with a doubtful look at me that said ‘I’m not sure I trust you around him.’

Still slightly taken by surprise and speechless, my eyes moved from Shinpei to Hiroki to Nena who were all devilishly snickering to themselves as if this whole thing had been planned just to tick me off.

“I didn’t know you were scared of cats,” Nena chimed in and moved closer to Shinpei to pet the cat’s head who leaned into her touch, pleased.

“I’m not,” I declared and crossed my arms. I was just too confused to even think about asking why the cat was here in the first place. Hiroki was smiling brightly.

“ _He just likes dogs better_ ,” he then chimed in, helpful as always, but I didn’t know what to do with that teasing tone of his voice under his breath and the way he looked just at me as he said it. Just at me.

“I’m sorry, Masato, I should have warned you all properly,” Shinpei continued to explain and finally let the cat down again after a short struggle. Didn’t take him another second and he was gone again to a different corner of the house, probably to avoid being picked up again. “Manpei had to leave for work unexpectedly. The dogs like it at our parent’s place, but Kotarou-kun doesn’t feel so good about it all.”

 _Kotarou-kun_ … great.

“It’s okay, totally understandable. I’m sure we’ll try to get along.” Or so I tried to tell myself – or him. I knew that I was probably about to avoid the fluffy monster because no matter how hard Shinpei mistrusted me when it came to the cat, I mistrusted the pet at least as much.

As the day moved on, I’d only gotten more sceptic by the minute.

While we all waited for Shinpei to finish cooking (it smelled heavenly), I sat there at the dinner table and observed Hiroki being all over the God damn cat. He was wearing one of his tank tops again and when he knelt down, I could see his soft skin and the entirety of his chest piece. Sometimes Nena butted in to say something snarky or to wave some toy in front of the cat’s face.

I hadn’t seen Hiroki that happy and excited before. Period. For some moments I wondered how I must look like, sitting there with my head propped up on one of my arms, just watching the others, mostly Hiroki however, having fun. Sometimes I felt Shinpei’s short glances in my back, but I didn’t care.

“Kotarou’s so precious,” Hiroki announced enamoured before he buried his nose deep into the cat’s fur. Feeling my ears grow hot, I tried to stop myself from looking. This was so stupid. “We’re friends now, I can drop the ‘kun’.”

Shinpei laughed loudly and agreed. I wasn’t pissed off and I certainly wasn’t _jealous_. I just had to get used to this situation, was all. I’d never really been around cats much. I wasn’t used to their reactions; I didn’t know what they liked or didn’t like. Hiroki, on the other hand, seemed to be so familiar with the cat as if it had been his all along.

“At least _try_ to pet him once,” Hiroki suddenly looked at me and once again, I was thrown a bit off-guard. I really didn’t want to. I didn’t want to go scratch that stupid cat behind his stupid ears and I wasn’t keen on getting closer to Hiroki. For whatever fucking reason.

As Hiroki looked at me, Kotarou-kun was busying himself with his fingers, but Hiro wasn’t batting an eye. I had never noticed that his underarms looked so nice, I told myself, another tattoo would look so good on them.

“Please?”

“Fine. Will you shut up then?”

I lazily got up from my seat to walk closer and ultimately squat down into an uncomfortable position. Not too close to the cat, not too close to Hiroki. But suddenly I felt one of his hands on my back, pulling me softly closer. I was so perplexed, that unexpected touch coming from another guy, that I just did as I was told. The warmth from his palms creeped through my shirt and made my skin tingle and my ears grow hot again. I just hoped that my cheeks weren’t sporting an interesting shade of pink.

More than reluctantly, I reached for the cat with shaky fingers and hoped that he couldn’t smell my nervousness. Because nervous I was.

When my fingers touched the soft, grey fur and, to my own relief, the cat didn’t seem to want to scratch my eyes out, I relaxed. For a moment I could smell something bitter but pleasant. It wasn’t Shinpei’s cooking and it wasn’t the cat.

When I turned my head around to see Hiroki next to me, he was smiling softly and all I wanted was to smile back.

*******

It was quiet in our big house.

I hadn’t anywhere to be today, but literally everybody else was busy. I didn’t feel bad to just lounge around and do nothing, however. I’d not only worked hard on projects these past couple of days, I’d also had a more than satisfying date with Hanna. With careful optimism, I thought back at her big smiles and friendly laughter. Even though we’d had lots of body contact and small but seemingly meaningful touches, there hadn’t been a kiss or anything similar. It hadn’t felt right, for some reason.

I wondered as I sat on the couch back in our bedroom. Kotarou-kun was snuggling up against me; I’d stopped resisting and just let him. I was the only one home, anyway. He surely had to feel lonely in this big house. But I wouldn’t yet drop the honorific, I told myself.

“Must be nice, being a cat,” I whispered in his direction as I carefully tried to scratch him behind his ears; all the while expecting to be met with hissing and claws. But he seemed contented enough and let it happen only too willingly, which made me a bit more confident in my pet-abilities.

When I looked at the grey cat, however, all I could see was Hiroki being all over him. His huge eyes squeezed shut in excited smiles. The need to pet him gently and to let him catch his fingers when Kotarou-kun seemed to be in one of his playing moods. It had almost looked as though he could do that all day.

 _I like both cats and dogs_ … I wondered how he looked like playing with a dog.

Frustrated at my own thoughts, I buried half my face in one of my hands, the other still petting the cat. God, whatever I was doing, my thoughts kept coming back to _him_. I’d tried to ignore it, maybe my head just needed to vent. Maybe, deep down, I could still not cope with the fact that we were both on this stupid fucking show. Someone I didn’t really know but maybe _ought_ to know. Someone that was both so very similar to me on one hand and not at all on the other. I wondered why I’d never even thought about getting to know him in the first place. Not even Taka seemed to talk a lot about his family.

Why did that bother me, anyway?

Absentmindedly, I stared at the wall in front of me, phone in hand. I’d never tried to search him on social media. I didn’t even know if he was active on any of those. But for some reason my fingertips itched with the desire of looking at his Instagram profile. And it didn’t take me long to find it, after I’d typed some keywords into Google.

Deliberately, taking my time, I scrolled down his feed. His account wasn’t that old, either. He wasn’t following anyone. ‘That’s odd,’ I thought. Some pictures were just of him, some promotion, some of friends and music colleagues. Even one with his father. But on some pictures and videos with friends, I noticed, he was quite … _touchy-feely_. Arms around anyone he could reach, in fact. It reminded me of the way he’d pressed the palm of his hand softly against my back the other day. I wasn’t quite sure if I was thinking of a fever-dream I once had, but I could swear I’d once seen pictures of him kissing his friends on the mouth at a birthday party.

Suddenly my head felt very much hot again. Even if, he’d probably been way too drunk on this day. He hadn’t _meant_ any of those kisses. Though they were a huge indicator of how he viewed his friends and how he wanted to be treated; what he was longing for, maybe? Affection?

I swallowed hard and tried not to think too much about it as I pressed the ‘follow’ button on his Instagram profile. I, unlike him, was following a lot of people. He wouldn’t even stand out. This was just _common courtesy_.

Yes.

But just as I took another glance at Koutaro-kun next to me, I felt my phone vibrating. Startled, I hoped that maybe it was just some of the others asking about groceries or letting us know where they were, but instead I saw Hiroki’s name illuminated on the screen and felt weirdly found out all of a sudden.

 _Fuck_. I hoped it was not because I’d just followed him.

« _HIROKI_ : What are you doing right now? »

Covering my face again with my hand, for some reason it gave the illusion that he was not able to read my thoughts, I breathed out slowly and tried to think. I couldn’t really tell him that I’d been thinking about him, could I.

« _YOU_ : Shouldn’t that have read ‘what are you wearing right now?’ instead? »

God, I thought to myself as I’d already sent it without giving me the chance to reconsider. I could have just told him that I was sitting in the bedroom, scratching Kotarou-kun’s head. But for some reason my sarcastic, banter-loving self only ever emerged with guys and in the most awkward situations possible. Plus, I couldn’t really tell him that I’d just stalked him on social media, could I? A sudden outburst of sexual banter … yeah, that sounded better, Masato, didn’t it?

Ungh.

For a second then, I turned off the screen and laid it next to me on the couch to pretend for at least a short while that this conversation wasn’t happening. Because then and there it struck me – I wanted it to happen, my heart was pounding wildly in my chest, only that this time, the ocean-fish didn’t even want to escape. Why was it so much easier for me to banter face-to-face without freaking out? Maybe because it was so much easier to be honest when there was so much distance between you; our texts were even more sexually charged than our face-to-face conversations. I sighed nervously as I grabbed my phone again.

« _HIROKI_ : You’re right. What are you wearing right now? »

I swallowed hard when I saw his message, even though I knew that he was only playing along. Bantering. It wasn’t news to me that he enjoyed it as much as I did. But for some reason my throat felt tight and blocked with everything that we weren’t saying. That I could not even begin to think of saying. I wasn’t even sure what was happening and tried desperately to shove it into yet another drawer and hold it closed shut.

Had Hiroki been flirting with me all along without me noticing?

« _YOU_ : Sad to tell you that you’d have to find that out yourself »

There were thousands of possible answers floating around in my head, clouding my mind. I could have easily changed topics or made sure that I was, _honestly_ , just kidding. Because I was. One of my brain cells even tried to convince me of telling him that I was out at the pool, lying in the sun, topless. Only to see what his answer would have been. I subconsciously bit my lip as I remembered how it had been seeing him topless a few days ago. I didn’t feel as though I could ever stop thinking about his tattoos and why he’d gotten them.

This here was such a God forsaken trash fire.

« _HIROKI_ : Better stop teasing me like that then if you can’t deliver »

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

Why where we even having this conversation? Was that even still friendly banter? My head hurt. I knew for sure that I’d had similar conversations with friends before. Especially when we were drunk. Lots of laughter and shoving around and being annoying fucks in general. But Hiroki and I weren’t _close_. How could he even _guess_ that it was appropriate to have those jokes with me?

No, no. This had to stop right here.

So I sent him a laughing emoji and then: « _YOU_ : What did you want btw? »

There was a longer pause between our messages then. For a second I wondered if he was disappointed that I’d cut off our light-hearted banter. For a second I asked myself if I was disappointed. Suddenly the big fish in my chest wasn’t nearly as aroused anymore.

« _HIROKI_ : I’m on my break. Just wanted to check in on you. You haven’t told me about your date. »

True. We hadn’t had a calm moment to do that properly, not that it was important, anyway. Whenever one of us came home recently, another one of us was already asleep. I didn’t even think about discussing my date with Shinpei or Hiroki, if I was honest. It had gone great but was it really any of their business?

« _YOU_ : We had lots of fun. She liked the music »

« _HIROKI_ : But you didn’t show her your music, did you? »

« _YOU_ : No, not yet. Why are you so curious about it, anyway? Are you jealous? »

I tried to let it sound cheeky, sending him another emoji. It wasn’t completely off the table, after all. He could very well be interested in Hanna too, that would at least explain his dirty looks and bad mood. Not, however, why he’d tried his hardest to seem to want to come close to me, too.

« _HIROKI_ : Thought I ought to know if other people were allowed to tease you like I do »

There it was again. Unmistakably. This tension between us that he could conjure up so easily with a few written words as if he’d never done anything else in his life. I was still sure that he was kidding. _Teasing me_ , as he’d called it. Or maybe he hadn’t been sure what to reply otherwise. Maybe I’d been right and that was his way of coping.

Again, I swallowed hard as I stared at the phone screen and his words. I felt my chest tense up and I caught myself momentarily wondering if there was currently someone who was allowed to tease me like that. If I’d even enjoy any other person teasing me like that. I tried to think of Hanna but ultimately didn’t come to any conclusion.

« _YOU_ : Tell you what. Try that face to face next time. If you manage to make me speechless, it’ll be your privilege »

I didn’t even know why I’d tell him that. Why I’d even think about offering him such a thing. One could argue that we were still just _bantering_ , that I was joking, too. But when I looked deep down and tried to be honest with me, I wanted him to have that privilege. Something in me was just so delighted at the prospect of receiving his messages. Any little speck of attention they gave me.

It drove me mad, that thought. That in the end we hadn’t connected through music or fashion, but through trying our hardest to make the other as uncomfortable as possible – in all the right ways.

« _HIROKI_ : Then it’ll be my pleasure, love. »


	5. My Addiction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I know it's been long :c It's not that I haven't written a new chapter (I've already finished at least seven). But I haven't been writing on that particularly story and I wanted to make sure that I would continue to write on it before I'd post another chapter. This has happened, though, and I hope there's still people who are excited for this??
> 
> Anyway, we have a revelation ...
> 
> Chapter song: [Coldrain – My Addiction](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzeMS2TG1Hw)  
> 

The days were dribbling along like spilled milk and no matter what I tried, they would not stop coming and going way too quickly.

I had to admit, after that message conversation with Hiroki I’d been way too weary. Had it not been for the cleaning session of the pool and the ensuing banter, I would have thought that he wouldn’t dare teasing me in person, from face to face. But since my rash, and ultimately not 100% serious, promise to let him bother me like this basically 24/7, I was just waiting here for his next move.

Was it weird that I was anticipating our coming exchange as though I had nothing better to do in this God damn house? I’d been talking a lot with Shinpei and fooling around with Sayuri. Sometimes I’d had deep conversations with Hanna. With Hiroki – it seemed to always boil down to _that_. To see who would be uncomfortable the most the fastest. And to my own shame I had to admit that I kind of enjoyed it. He had a witty tongue, nothing like Nena of course. But he wasn’t afraid to blurt out anything that shot through this thick head of his. He was aware of that. Nena was just oblivious and unempathetic at times.

But, again, since our LINE convo, there hadn’t been any sharp remarks from him. No dirty looks, no teasing voice. But tension? Oh yeah, there was tension alright.

While Kotarou-kun was busy constantly running around our legs, probably begging for food that I was sure Shinpei had already given him mere minutes ago, Nena and I were working on washing the dishes. With our backs turned, however, I could still feel Hiroki’s presence somewhere behind me, shooting glares. Glares I wasn’t quite sure at whom they were directed. But since he hadn’t spoken in quite some time, I’d decided not to care too much.

“I can’t be there later, I’ll have a meeting soon,” Nena complained in a whiny voice that pulled me out of my deep thoughts. Uncomfortable, I pulled a grimace in response. For some reason I just couldn’t stand when women made childish sounds like that. I just hadn’t been able to nip my sudden antipathy in the bud.

“You mean because of the pool?”

“Yeah, I would have liked to use it with all of you,” she explained and took the cup from my hands to dry it off.

“I mean, there’s still so much time and it’s only starting to get hot. The pool’s too small for all of us, anyway,” I tried to appease her half-heartedly and caught myself thinking that I wished we’d be finished soon. I was actually quite glad that there wouldn’t be all of us around later.

Somewhere in the back, Hiroki shuffled fretfully around on his chair.

Again, Nena whined, and I shoved another cup into her hands in the hopes that it would shut her up. It did do the job, but now she was wiggling around; all the while nudging my hips with hers. I just raised an eyebrow and tried not to reciprocate it, but she wouldn’t stop. She really was searching for physical contact now, was she.

“ _Masato_ ,” she then breathed in a far too sweet sing-sang tone of voice, “I’ve thought about it. What do you think about going on a date with me?”

I exhaled slowly, a sigh that I could only barely disguise, even though I kind of knew what was coming. I mean, even though she slightly ticked me off, deep down I knew that there was potential; that we did get along well when we were alone. Plus, I was kind of required to try and date anyone here by this stupid show, anyway. Even though my brain was all like ‘Hanna’s enough, don’t push it’.

“Yeah, why not? What do you like to do?”

Before Nena could answer, I heard Hiroki moving his chair back and stomping in the direction of the bedroom. It took me some level of self-control not to turn my head and watch him go.

“He’s been acting weird,” she commented and shook her head, before she took another cup to dry from my hands, “Anyway, I don’t know, we were talking about art recently. Why not go to a museum together?”

Giving her my imaginary kudos for her suggestion because that was actually well thought through, I nodded at her. “That’s not a bad idea, actually. Yeah, why not?”

“Then how about next weekend? I’ve heard everyone’s on a date on that day, anyway. Sayuri’s been wanting to call it ‘date night,’ but I kinda felt left out.”

Nena tried to laugh somewhat carefree, but I could tell that it did affect her. I’d never before thought about it closely, if I was being honest. Hiroki seemed to be interested in Sayuri and I was obviously armoured with Hanna. Shinpei? Who the hell knew, anyway. So that did kind of leave her out.

“Ok, let’s call it a ‘date night,’ then,” I declared and wondered what Hiroki had planned for his date. With Sayuri? With Hanna?

Somewhere in the depth of my chest I could feel the fish wiggling its tail.

*******

Finally it was warm enough to use the pool. Someone had to come in order to help us get it filled up, but now there was this deep, blue, refreshing looking water-paradise in the middle of our garden and it was begging us to use it. Sexual innuendoes not intended.

No one could wait to get half-naked, it seemed, but not everyone had the time. I had to admit that I was kind of sad to learn that out of everyone, Hanna wouldn’t be able to make it today (and Nena, but honestly? I couldn’t really care less right now).

Shinpei and I were relaxing at the poolside, legs dangling in the cool water. There was no gazebo sheltering us from the sun, but I could stand the heat very well at the pool and was not very likely to get a sunburn, either. Shinpei next to me already looked as though he’d just come back from a five-month long vacation in South Africa; ‘that’s genes and always being in Okinawa,’ he’d told me with a cheeky smile. Somewhere behind us, the sound system softly blasted a few summer hits and sometimes, when I looked in the direction of the back door, I could see a chunky grey shadow sitting behind the glass; shooting evil glares at us.

“This is the comfortable life,” Shinpei declared next to me as he let his head fall back to catch a few cool breezes that obviously never came. Looking at him, I had to chuckle. Still the clown. We’d still not become _best friends_ , but I’d never have thought that I’d get along so well with him.

“You’re not even working right now, and you’re always down south, what do you even mean?”

Again, loud laughter coming from his mouth as if that was the only ever go-to answer he’d internalised. “I’m totally busy being very mature all the time, what do _you_ even mean?”

There’d been instances where he’d told me a bit more about his private life and he knew I was just joking around. But even though he’d explained most of why they’d left the industry, I had a feeling that there was more to it. That there was more that he wasn’t telling me. He didn’t need to, of course, that stuff was private for a reason. But it did make me wonder, he was a bit of a riddle. An always happy-go-lucky dude with an over-achieving family, an always sad twin brother and an insatiable urge to prove himself despite all obstacles.

Just as I was pondering about the mystery that was Takagi Shinpei, I saw two figures move closer in the corner of my eye. It didn’t come as a surprise that those people were Sayuri and Hiroki, seeing that they were the only ones left and present right now. And even though the fact that they were both already wearing swim-attire wasn’t very extraordinary, when they finally came into vision, I caught myself staring only at the water surface.

“You’re not inside? It’s way too hot,” Sayuri asked in her cute high voice and I couldn’t even look as fast at her as she was already swallowed by the pool water that now splashed in all directions. When she finally emerged again, she wiped her wet hair out of her face and smiled blissfully. Great, one man down.

In front of us, Hiroki slowly eased himself down onto the edge of the pool and thought for a second before mimicking what Shinpei and I were doing. Sayuri seemingly didn’t care as much about what we were up to anymore now that she was enclosed by cool water.

Finally, I risked a short glance in his direction after all, I wasn’t even sure where all this awkwardness had come from exactly. This weird tension between us that I couldn’t begin to explain. But when I looked, our eyes met momentarily and so I looked back down again in a knee-jerk reaction. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that he had been eyeing me the whole time. But now I was too stiff to look back up and maybe even provoke that eye-contact. Suddenly my head felt even hotter at the thought. What would that even achieve? Was I seriously going crazy?

“Hey, should I go fetch your hat again or are you managing fine on your own this time?”

_Don’t wanna get you too hot and bothered …_

Fucking hell, what a bastard. He’d obviously meant me with that question and phrasing it jokingly like this, there was no way I could ignore it and not look up. So I took a deep breath, trying desperately to set the God damn fish in my chest at rest, and looked up at him.

In front of me, Moriuchi Hiroki was grinning at me like the insolent little brat that he was; prominent dimples on his cheek, deep brown eyes fixating me. Those stupid moles underneath his eye. I didn’t even know why he made me so _angry_ with his banter sometimes. Or wasn’t it at all anger what I felt? I’d told him to try and make me speechless. I’d challenged him myself. I just wanted to grab him, push him down, until he couldn’t think about grinning like this anymore … I honestly didn’t know where these thoughts came from.

“I’m fine as long as you can’t molest me with your sweaty tank top again, thanks.”

It was the best I could manage right now. My head still felt dizzy and my ears hot; the fish had by then found its way down into my lungs and made breathing hard. Somehow, I sensed that I would have been more than fine _just ignoring him_ , but he wanted me to look at him. He wanted my attention, he wanted to banter. And while Sayuri was in her own little world, I felt Shinpei next to me pay very close attention, even if he didn’t butt in.

The hot afternoon sun painted his skin an elegant gold again this time and when he leant back with his hands behind him on the grass, his tattoos shone bright with the reflection of the water from underneath.

_Rule the Fate …_

He had more than just one or two tattoos, some were small and delicate and all over his body, now that I could take a closer look. For a moment I wondered when he’d gotten all of them, where from and why.

“You liked that, don’t lie to me” he snorted amused, still not even _trying_ to look away. Ridiculous.

I didn’t know how that must have looked like to Shinpei, or everyone who would be watching this week’s episode, but I just couldn’t let him win. Not this time, not when there were other people around, I would just have to defuse this whole situation a little. How he could even be so awfully hot-headed and impulsive was beyond me. He never seemed to think things fully through or perhaps he didn’t care? You’d have to give it to him, though, you were almost always guaranteed an honest answer.

“I’m not into sweaty tank tops on my face, no.”

“Your loss,” he told me then with a quick shrug, “there’s more where that came from.”

I could only shake my head dumbfounded just as he decided to plunge into the water after all. Yeah, he’d achieved in making me kind of speechless with that last bit all right, although I figured that that didn’t really count. That last one had _obviously_ just served as a cut-off. That had been too stupid to even be called _banter_.

Still slightly in shambles, I just sat there, desperately trying to compose myself as I concentrated on the sensation of the hot sun so as not to go nuts completely. At least that’s what it felt like. I wasn’t sure what the fish was doing inside of me, but my chest felt so full and my fingertips were tingling. Maybe I’d had too much sun after all …

Shinpei was still not saying a thing and in front of me, I couldn’t really avoid looking at them, Hiroki and Sayuri were messing around in the pool. It didn’t bother me, though. What _did_ bother me, however, and I did not see that coming, was when Hiroki suddenly launched out of water again. And there he then sat, right in front of me, wiping his hair out of his face; little drops of shiny water running down his body – looking at me. Right in the eyes. Just at me. _Daringly_.

His mouth was slightly open, and he was panting as if he’d just swallowed a big ocean-fish, just like the one that seemed to have inhabited my chest and heart and lungs. There was nothing I could do but to stare at his wet chest, his tattoos, his moles, his broad neck that he was exposing with a slight tilt of his head. His delicate fingers curling on the edge of the pool. The colour of his lips. The tint on his cheeks. Totally for a loss of words, I closed my own mouth shut. And suddenly realised in horror that he’d just given me an erection.

Oh.

_Oh._

Oh, fuck.

I didn’t know if he’d seen it but there was no way I would have been able to just sit this through. So naturally I could have just jumped into water, both to hide it and make it go down. But something in my head just panic-screamed ‘get the fuck out of there’. Admittedly, in these situations you couldn’t think straight. Again, no sexual innuendoes intended.

I tried my best to hide it as I pulled my feet out of the water and turned around on my butt so I could just stand up and go back into the house. Like the total mess that I was, I just mumbled something along the lines of ‘I’m gonna get changed’ and made my way to the back door, all the while noting to myself in relief that my swim shorts were just the right amount of loose and tight that I could at least be positive that the cameras wouldn’t be able to pick up on it. Hopefully.

I wouldn’t let myself get a total freak-out, not even inside my head, until I’d reached the bathroom. Where there were no cameras.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK … I … _FUCK_.

Like a God damn gif this whole nightmare was playing in my head in a loop after I’d closed the door shut behind me. I tried to cool my head on the tiles without making a sound, trying to calm down. But I just wanted to _scream_. That wasn’t happening … how could that even happen to me?

When I looked up and tried a careful glance into the mirror, my head was bright red and there were marks on my forehead from the tiles. I looked awful. But I just couldn’t stop breathing rapidly. At least my boner had gone down. But it didn’t change the fact that I was turned on by Hiroki. A guy. Totally out of the blue–

Or actually absolutely not totally out of the blue at all?

As I tried to calm my breathing, I tried to think about this whole matter a bit more logically. Tried not to let my thoughts and memories be clouded by ignorance and tried to make myself be aware of all these different feelings I’d felt in the last few weeks. There was one thing, one emotion, one sensation all of these had in common. And no matter where I looked and thought and breathed; it seems that it always came down to _Hiroki_ right now.

 _Fuck, I_ like _like him …_

I swallowed hard as I cautiously tried the taste of that thought in my mouth. And then decided to take a cold, cold shower.

*******

I wasn’t at all proud of it, but the rest of the day, I’d metaphorically locked myself up in the bedroom.

I was just glad enough that neither Shinpei nor Hiroki showed up for very long and left me alone. I’d really had to mull things over. There were so many rocks I had to dig up and grind; wear them down. So many things I had to ponder over. Things I had to digest.

And rocks really did sit heavily in your stomach, no matter how hard you tried to squelch them first.

When I tried to recall his naked body, my head didn’t turn a curious shade of red anymore and my fingertips didn’t go numb. I figured I’d just been so taken aback by this whole thing, feeling so maliciously sneaked up upon, that my body had been too confused to react properly. What happened when I tried to recall his naked body now, however, was the fact that I could tell that my head liked the thought of it. I had to admit that I did feel attracted to him … in some way. That I liked the shape of him and the colour of his skin. In the last hours I’d wondered about, and not without being embarrassed, how it would be like to trace his tattoos with my tongue. How his clavicles felt under my fingertips. I could finally own up to the fact that I enjoyed it when he looked me in the eyes. When we held eye contact and I could pretend that there were no other people around. Just us. When I felt his amber eyes burning on my skin; no matter the reason. Out of jealousy or greed or happiness or provocation or arousal. I didn’t care. I just wanted to return his gaze. See how his eyes would cloud over when he’d finally had what he’d wished for.

This conclusion had taken me quite a while to get to. But all the stones had finally become pure sand, fine dust, that I could run my fingers through.

Had I ever wondered about whether I was actually not straight at all? No, not really. It had never been relevant at all, actually. I’d never had reason to doubt my sexuality before. There were girlfriends and casual flings and women I’d really admired. Guys? I’d never been afraid to think of them as _attractive_ if it was true. Why would that have been threatening or weird in the first place, anyway? But now I wondered whether it had always been a part of me.

I could not yet think about the consequences. Could not yet figure out if I’d be brave enough to embrace those changes and way of thinking and feeling. Was not quite sure if it was even a part of me at all. Maybe this weird isolation was getting to me. Maybe it was _just_ Hiroki, and no other man beside him. Maybe I was just misinterpreting things.

But no matter how hard I thought about it, when I looked deep enough, I really didn’t care at all, if I was honest. It didn’t matter. It seemed like I liked him … and that was all I needed to know being lost in this God forsaken desert of broken up stones and rocks and cliffs.

It had gotten pretty late and although I had not felt like joining everyone at the dinner table this time, I’d decided to try something new. Armed with my guitar that I’d brought from home, I made my way down into the living room. Shinpei and Nena weren’t there, but the others looked positively alarmed when I’d sat down on the couch.

“Are we getting a private concert?” Sayuri squealed in excitement, which I only countered with a short smile. Slowly but surely, everyone was migrating into the living-room section of the open ground floor.

“I don’t want to wait ‘till we finally have our talent show. So I’ve decided to sing you one song a night, every night,” I explained in a soft voice, because although I was totally convinced of my current undertaking, I did not want to come across as too self-satisfied. It was something I’d wanted to _give_ without taking. But also to encourage. I wanted us all to grow together as a group, too. “This song is called ‘My Addiction’.”

Of course, when I’d chosen this song, I’d thought of Hiroki. There hadn’t even been any other option. The song did speak of a ‘girl,’ but even though I hoped that it wasn’t so obvious, I also hoped that Hiroki would get the message. I’d never thought about writing ungendered songs, love-songs that spoke of no specific person. Specifically, that was. Deliberately. In the following years, I would naturally write more of those. Use the ‘you’ more often. I’d only ever had a specific woman in mind. But this one had to do. Because when you ignored the ‘she’ in all of it, it was spot on. I was too awkward to replace the ‘girl’ with another word like ‘someone.’ But all I could think about was singing ‘you’ instead of ‘her.’

And when I did so, everyone eyeing me excitedly, I searched only for Hiroki’s gaze. Only his eyes. They were wide and dark and big and open. I could not even begin to look someplace else. They were drawing me in. I didn’t even hear my own music anymore, all these melodies escaping my lips; his eyes were screaming so loudly. His mouth was ajar, and I longed for the moment I could finally touch his lips with mine. _Fuck_.

_You are... inside... my head... too much  
I hate to have to say  
You're my, my, my, my, my addiction  
I can't... seem to... forget... the taste  
That you left that day  
It's my, my, my, my, my addiction_

_Your touch is poison trough my skin  
Your touch is poison in my vein_


	6. Die Tomorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo, this is one of the longer ones. I really like it, too. There's happening a lot, oh God ...
> 
> First: when I was writing this, Hiroki wasn't following anyone on Instagram, but I didn't change it, so ...  
> Second: I COULDN'T STOP MYSELF FROM PUTTING IN A MCEST REFERENCE sorry  
> Third: ...I forgot what I wanted to say, may add it later lol 
> 
> HAVE FUN!
> 
> Chapter song: [Coldrain – Die Tomorrow](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syWstiIGiPo)  
> 

“I’m so sorry that I have to send you guys.”

Shinpei was spinning through the living room; all the while picking up his things that he’d been sprawling out all over the room the whole morning. Whyever that was.

“But it’s important. He needs his special chunky-cat food, or he’ll be a very sad chunky-cat soon.”

Right from the beginning, he had spoken about ‘you guys,’ which, obviously, this time around meant ‘Hiro and you,’ although I wasn’t quite sure why that was an important part of this undertaking at all. I just knew that Shinpei was about to go somewhere and I was inwardly hysterical at the prospect of being alone with Hiroki, because everyone else had had to be someplace today. And I honestly didn’t know how to act like a normal human being around him anymore. A normal person with a normal amount of feelings for his normal male friend, that was.

“You know, I can just go on my own quickly, I don’t necessarily have to drag Hiro along,” I tried to intervene and reassure. But I did not dare to look at him to figure out what he was thinking about my suggestion and he did not say anything, either.

“Please don’t leave him here, he’ll probably burn the house down,” Shinpei joked with a short look at Hiroki and burst out into appeasing laughter, which Hiroki obviously took as an invitation.

“I’ll show you how I’ll burn the house down.”

“Please don’t.”

I sighed at the scene in front of me, sceptically eyeing those two bickering idiots, and was suddenly at a loss for words as to why, _for heaven’s sake_ , I could apparently fall in love with such a _dumbass_. It was weird, this thought, it tasted foreign and salty on my tongue. Me _in love_ with _Hiroki_ … But the feelings were there, unmistakably, the sexual thoughts, too. Every glance at him shot arrows down my throat into my stomach. It was a mystery why that stupid fish was still living. “Ok, will you please leave it? I’ll take him.”

Hiroki then turned around to flash me a bright smile but couldn’t leave it at that, apparently. “You say it like I’m the disgusting son you never wanted. I feel at home.”

“Well, maybe you’re in dire need of a spanking.”

Realising what just tumbled out of my mouth, I turned around on my heels frantically to fake getting ready to go out, all the while with a flaming hot face. What a brain fart. I should really _try_ to think more before opening my mouth. The moment I had my shoes on and stood in the hallway, I heard Shinpei mumble something along the lines of “well, your fans are gonna _love_ this” to himself.

It took us some time to get to the store with the car. We’d only been talking very sparingly, very carefully, the whole way. I could feel the awkwardness after what I’d just said in my trembling fingertips and I was glad that I did not have to let go of the steering wheel anytime soon, or I feared it would show. The big ocean fish had been living in my chest now for way too long already; it probably had a God damn green card by now. I caught myself thinking that it would be way too boring without a constantly way too fast heartbeat, anyway.

But had my previous slip-up really been so different and so much weirder than all the things Hiroki had tried to make me uncomfortable with? And did the fact that I was now the one who’d made him speechless mean that I had won?

“Still not a big fan of Koutaro-kun?” Hiroki suddenly asked into the utter silence and for a moment I was afraid my heart would stop. _It was a normal question, calm down …_

“He’s alright,” I admitted, slurring my words a bit as I indicated, “we tried to befriend each other the other day.”

“And did it work?”

“Somewhat.”

“I hope he didn’t make you speechless in the process.” _Because that’s my job._

I smiled weakly at his suggestion, you could call it an inside-joke too, and tried to overlook the weird metaphor. In an attempt to keep calm, I told myself that he was just searching for a way to reconnect with me because he was maybe sensing that I had been acting weirdly around him. Even though, of course, I wasn’t keen on thinking about that prospect just yet. Slowly, cautiously, so as not to let him notice it, I drew in a long, deep breath.

Now that I knew what was ‘wrong’ with me, it had suddenly gotten so hard to ignore his presence next to me. And with it that irrepressible urge to reach out and _touch him_. No matter how hard I tried not to, I could always sense his body heat on my skin.

Normally, when I realised that I liked a girl, I’d just tell her after a while. I’d flirt, with big smiles, deep eye contact and even bigger gestures. I was shy and introverted alright, but that did not mean I could not be confident when it was needed. Now, however, I felt so lost … I didn’t know what to do, because of course my heart was all over the place, telling me to touch his underarm or shoulder blade, getting closer to smell his perfume. The things that I’d normally do. _Touch him_. My heart just didn’t want to listen to the fact that my brain was screaming at him that this was not a normal situation. I honestly wasn’t used to all that pining.

What to do with all these emotions?

“He’s a good cat. I’m sure he’ll behave.”

I could feel his little side glances on me the rest of the way but weirdly enough, he didn’t say anything anymore. After our little conversation, however, the silence between us didn’t feel as awkward as before. But it did leave me wondering again how his fingertips would feel on my neck.

Of course the storeowner had been informed beforehand that we’d be coming with a cameraman in tow, and so it wasn’t nearly as weird butting in and buying what seemed like a whole shelf of chunky-cat food. With that in hand, we marched to the car, put all of it in the trunk and drove off to a different parking lot. Because we were _scheduled_ to go for a coffee, again. This time for real. With cameraman following us at every turn.

When we’d ordered and sat down, I couldn’t begin to calm down my agitated heart. Suddenly, it was again awkward as hell. At least there hadn’t been a cameraman in the car with us (only cameras that weren’t visible at first sight), and I had something to do during our shopping encounter. But _now_ – the focus was _on us_. Specifically. For the first time ever. And I just didn’t know what to say. What to do. How to act. I could only stare at the back of my hands on the table and sometimes, very distractedly so, on his lips. Sometimes, when he was sucking on the straw, I had to aggressively force myself to look away.

We tried to talk about some indifferent topics, vanities really, and when we stopped talking, I’d already forgotten what I’d said. My head was just so clouded and seized by the sheer panic of being found out. Of showing him exactly what I was _actually_ thinking about him. I couldn’t seem to shake off this nervousness around him and only when the cameraman finally excused himself and we were left alone, did I manage to calm down somewhat at least.

God, this _being in love_ thing was so stressful. I’d never ever remembered it like that. For a moment then I wondered if this whole ‘new’ situation was at fault or if I’d never _actually_ been ‘in love’ after all. Was _this_ the real thing? I could not remember being so shatteringly nervous before. Never. Such a strong yearning that pulled at my throat and lungs and heart when I looked at him and I just couldn’t cope. Didn’t know what to do at all. All the other times with all those girls … I’d liked them for sure. But was this more than that?

Hiroki, in front of me, seemed unfazed the whole time through.

“Did you have other plans?” he then asked out of the blue.

“Sorry?”

“I mean … was this an inconvenience for you? This shopping trip and now the coffee?”

I took a sip of my beverage and then forced myself to look him in the eyes for a change but couldn’t for the life of me tell what he was thinking. His plum lips formed somewhat of a pout, although he wasn’t _pouting_ per se. I both noted and tried to get rid of the sudden thought that I could probably stare at his moles underneath his eye for years and years.

Why was he so pretty? Why hadn’t I ever noticed _that_? Why now … I guess this was how infatuation worked.

“No, no … it’s actually nice to go out occasionally. I’m enjoying the camera-free-zone for now.” A mutter.

Hiroki nodded and sipped on his coffee. I could tell that he was thinking of adding something, maybe he was thinking of the way I wanted to reject him earlier, but if he did, he didn’t say so.

“Yeah, same,” he sighed and gave, again, a short smile. I couldn’t help but think that I’d love to see him again in a different hair colour. The dark brown brought the intensity of his amber eyes to light perfectly, but I’d seen pictures of him with bleached and red hair and it suited him so well. I just wanted to push that strand of hair out of his face and– “By the way, I saw that you followed me on Instagram the other day. Am I so interesting?”

Not having calculated with this challenging statement, I felt myself swallowing hard as I kept staring him in the face. Was this another attempt at silencing me? _Already_? I’d thought that, maybe, hopefully, this trip would be much more chill between us. But maybe that was exactly why he was doing it. We were alone. No cameras. World = off.

“I just figured it’s a normal thing to do, why not?” I croaked embarrassed and tried not to let it show by taking yet another sip and hoped desperately that it worked. My heart was running a marathon right now and I didn’t know if I could survive this. He honestly couldn’t find out. _What if he’d find out_?

Hiroki shrugged. “I just noticed. And wanted to tease you a bit.”

“I thought so.” _It worked_. “Well, are you gonna follow me back?”

“I’m not even following my brother or friends,” he answered appalled, but his face was scrunched up into an unreadable grimace. “I’m not following anyone. But maybe I’ll make an exception for you, though, we’ll see.”

“So you like me more than you like your brother?” After my cheeky comeback, I tried once again to keep looking into his eyes. Withstanding his piercing look. Suddenly I just wanted to see him; tease back. Wanted to see if he was willing to attack back. Now that he’d introduced it, I just had to go with it once again. A never ending cycle, it seemed. Nervously, I clenched my fists on the table in anticipation.

_Come at me, try it. If you have any banter left in your body, try me._

Yeah, I had to have been insane.

“Well, unlike _you_ , my brother has slept in the same bed as me.”

Hiroki then kept staring in my eyes, not blinking. It was a challenging glare, undoubtedly. And he looked so confident and dirty doing so that, for the very first time, no one could convince me that he wasn’t doing that on purpose. But he’d only been doing that _to me_. He _was_ flirting with me. I was such a dumbass. God. Suddenly my heart beat even faster and I had to swallow hard before breaking off the eye contact between us with an overwhelmed smile.

Without a warning, mental images of us both in bed shot through my head. Making me dizzy. Him underneath me; his lips so close. His eyes clouded. His mouth ajar. I wished I could hear him moan. _Fuck_. Fuck him for putting that into my head.

Taking a shaky sip from my coffee, with a fragile smile, I said: “Isn’t sleeping in the same room almost the same?”

The sexual tension was so thick in the air that I could swear you could cut it into pieces. And this time, I wasn’t imagining it. Or thinking I was imagining it. Or at least I didn’t tell myself it was just ‘friendly banter’ between guy friends. This was real. And suddenly I regretted having started this in the middle of a public coffee shop after all. I didn’t learn. So much for first thinking, then talking. How could I even begin to defuse this tension?

“It isn’t – as long as I don’t crawl into bed next to you and demand you read ‘The Wizard of Oz’ to me.”

“That’s what you were reading back then?” I laughed relieved, relieved at the prospect of being presented a way out of this after all. Had I spent one more second having to imagine Hiroki squirming underneath me, I would have probably walked out the door without a last word.

“I love it,” Hiroki smiled and finished his coffee. His eyes beamed with old memories, even though I could swear there was a flash of sadness meddling in between as well. “I’ve always wanted to go see the musical but that never happened.”

“Well, then I’ll take you some day for sure. There’s lots of adaptions all over the US.” I said it without thinking first again, without thinking about what that offer might entail. I hadn’t imagined him sitting next to me on a plane before I’d dropped this on him of course; him possibly being on holiday with me. I just said it out loud because his excitement excited me. I just _wished_ we could do that. I wished I could play a part in fulfilling his dream. Now that he was sitting here, all bright-eyed and genuinely happy, like I hadn’t seen him since we’d moved in together, there was just no way that I could say anything different. It just felt natural, this want to please him. To keep him happy. It made the fish in my stomach jump up in glee; I could feel it making my heart skip a beat. We hadn’t really known us for more than a few weeks – and all this felt so _right_.

“I sincerely hope you keep your promises,” Hiroki breathed as he looked at me.

“I’m a man of my word.”

We’d been starving after rushing through crowds and consuming nothing but sugary coffee, so Hiroki and I decided to get something to eat from a 7/11 and luckily found an unoccupied bench next to a vending machine in some dark, shady looking alleyway. Not very romantic, or comfortable looking for that matter, I thought. But it would have to do for our spontaneous meal.

In the blurry afternoon darkness, walking so close next to him felt like a dream. As if reality had shifted. The pavement still gave off heat from the last sun rays of the hot summer’s day, the careful wind felt comforting on my skin, and all I could think about was to move closer to him until our shoulders touched. I exhaled slowly as I grabbed the plastic bag in my hand harder and could only just admit to feeling disappointed when we’d finally reached the vending machine and sat down on the bench after having bought a cold drink respectively. We were still sitting close, but …

“Do you have any siblings?”

I blinked confused at his sudden question and hurried to swallow down whatever food I had still in my mouth. “A brother, yes. He’s living in America with his wife, though. They have two kids.”

“Do you guys get along?”

“Yeah, I love them, they’re great. Though I don’t see them that often, as you can imagine.”

Hiroki fell silent next to me, or maybe he just busied himself with his own food. For a moment I wondered why he was suddenly interested in my family, of all things. But then again, we had talked about Taka briefly and there was still the _some of us can’t get married_ tirade from recently that I was apparently still entertainingly oblivious about. And so I waited for anything he wanted to share with me, because I was sure as hell not gonna ask about his relationship with Taka. I knew that they were not two peas in a pot, so to say. And sometimes I wondered about that, even though I was pretty sure that they could stand each other well enough.

“I miss that, if I’m honest,” Hiroki said and in his voice swam a feathery soft notion of regret and candidness, so sudden that I wasn’t fully prepared because all we had ever done prior to this was banter – and suddenly there was emotion. “I miss family life sometimes.”

At first, I felt the loss of words cloak up my throat and as much as I wanted to seem busy with eating, I couldn’t convince my hands to follow through with this thought. So I just sat there awkwardly, staring ahead. I sympathised with him. He’d been so young when his parents had split up. Suddenly being ripped of that ‘normal’ family environment, or how normal it could have been in the Moriuchi household, could potentially be traumatic. He’d been yearning for this kind of love forever and it seemed like nothing had been able to fill that hole. I was older than him, of course. By seven whole years. And I’d felt the occasional craving for starting my own family, especially whenever I felt like talking to my parents on the phone didn’t quite do the trick anymore. But there’d never been anyone I could honestly think of doing that with them. So it had never been on my mind too much. For Hiroki, however, this seemed to be somewhat of a pathological issue. I had heard somewhere that he was befriending older musicians left and right. Older than me, of course. Genuine friends or role model substitutes? I didn’t really want to finish any of these thoughts …

“You’re on good terms with them though, aren’t you?”

I just _had_ to ask it after all …

“Yes, of course. We get along. But we’re always scattered all over the world.”

“Yeah, I get that,” I told him then, because I really did, I walked in his shoes, too, “but that’s growing up. As we get older, we get more independent. That’s natural. Even though I’m aware that … you had to grow up sooner than other people. One day we’ll just redirect this want towards our own goals and family, I guess …”

It was both hard and a relief not to look him in the eyes while I ranted about everything that I could find in my head about that topic, from the standpoint of someone who was older, of course. I didn’t want to make him even sadder or make him feel like his feelings didn’t matter. They were valid alright. But to come to terms with the fact that you were the only one who could fill that aching gap inside of you was devastatingly exhausting. This black hole of childhood and missing and hopeless want. I got that. I’d never thought about it in this way, either. What I’d just said surprised me on some subconscious level, too.

“Yeah, I know …” he murmured next to me and I didn’t even know if he’d finished his food already, “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to bother you with heavy stuff like that. I feel kind of stupid now.”

“No, no, don’t be,” I tried to set him at rest, and this time I looked into his eyes. It took me by surprise that he was in fact already looking at me, too. They were deep brown and gleamed decisively in the light of the streetlamps. I tried a wry smile, but it tasted foreign on my lips. Everything inside of me screamed that this was not enough. This want was pulling me in. There was nothing I could make myself look at instead of his eyes. And these moles underneath them. I could not begin to read his expression. I wanted to touch his cheek and pull him closer. But I didn’t. “It’s nice for a change. No small talk. No nonsense. I feel like I get to know you.”

Hiroki returned my look for another few long seconds before smiling wrily himself and averting his gaze. I held my breath. Had I said too much? When I was with him, when I was alone with him, I couldn’t help but pour my heart. I couldn’t help but think about his beauty. About his delicateness, somehow. He could play the sassy little rich brat all he wanted; he was different when we were together.

*******

One of those mornings I was just getting ready in the bathroom. Distracted, I leaned over the sink towards the mirror to inspect the growth of my beard. I couldn’t really duck out of that again today. I sighed defeated as I opened one of the drawers to search for my utensils when suddenly the door that I’d only left ajar flung open and Shinpei strolled inside. He definitely didn’t look as surprised as I felt seeing him walk in just like that and close the door gingerly behind him. So I turned to him and raised my eyebrows a bit lost.

“Sorry, I know this is unconventional. But I got a few questions.”

It took me a couple of seconds until I realised why he’d probably chosen to do so in this bathroom. Honestly not something I was prepared for or keen on dealing with right now. But out of politeness and mild curiosity, I nodded towards him. “What’s wrong?”

Shinpei’s dark hair was hidden underneath a beanie, despite the heat, he looked fragile in those loose T-shirt and shorts. His gaze was fixated on me in a way I’d rarely seen him sport. Serious. And now I just wondered for how long and what the hell he’d been lulling around in that pig head of his without trying to voice it.

“I hope you don’t mind me asking but … what’s that between you and Hiro?”

For a moment then I felt myself turn into cold dead stone beneath his interrogating stare.

_Oh no no no no no …_

He couldn’t have found out … could he? I’d been so _careful_! I could not even begin to try and search for anything resembling an excuse. Laugh it off. Tell him that we’d only been bantering. That we’d known each other. That I was friends with his brother. That this was how we _did_ things in this kind of industry. Inside jokes. My head ran a thousand miles then, but it didn’t lead me anywhere.

Panicking, I reached for the sink in search of support. My heart was jumping up to my throat, I could hear it ringing inside my ears. But there was nothing coming out of my mouth in defence. What had I even expected? Someone had been bound to find out and confront us.

In front of me, Shinpei scratched his head awkwardly. “Relax. Please. I really didn’t want to jump this on you like that. I should have worded it more carefully.”

For some reason, he looked positively apologetic and cautious in his word choice, so I did my best to try and believe him and calm my racing heart. I could always count on and trust in Shinpei, I told myself, whatever he was about to say, I could _still_ trust him.

“I don’t quite understand …”

But my eyes were screaming and my lips trembling, and the heat had crept into the tip of my ears. I looked in his eyes and saw that he had to know.

 _Fuck_. This got way too real way too fast. I didn’t even tell _Hiro_. I wasn’t sure if I should ever tell him.

“I just noticed. I’m not here to blurt that out and leave you a mess, don’t worry,” he put on an encouraging smile as he leaned against the closed door and tried not to speak too loudly. I appreciated it. “It’s not that obvious either, in case you were wondering. I’m just kind of sensitive to it.”

“Fuck,” I burst out hot headedly and blindly sat down on the closed toilet seat, burying my face in my hands. Rubbing my eyes. Calming my breath. If _he’d_ noticed … We shouldn’t have flirted so obviously in public. Even though I hadn’t been aware that we were actually _flirting_ at all in the first place.

“It’s really not that bad at all,” he tried to calm me further, but it only achieved to sew my throat shut tighter. I gulped. “I just wanted to give you some advice.”

“And you’re the expert?” I heard myself blurt out a tad too loud for which I scolded myself directly after and averted my gaze, embarrassed. _If the shoe fits_ , or some shit … “Sorry, didn’t mean to.”

Without observing him any further, I heard him walk towards me and ultimately sit down on the floor in front of me, leaning against the wall. All of this must be a ghoulish nightmare, if anything.

“Manpei’s gay. So yeah, I’m kind of an expert,” he hummed under his breath as if he hadn’t meant to play this particular card but didn’t have any other choice. I tried to search for his gaze then, but he wouldn’t look up. “I’ve never told anyone because it’s not my story to tell, so please be responsible with this information.”

“Of course I will,” I heard myself say like a robot. I was far too impressed by this implication that all words had left me – again. Just this time it was more comforting somehow. Being found out suddenly didn’t feel as threatening anymore. Finally, my deep breaths felt like they were getting somewhere and were actually reaching my lungs again. “Is this … why you dropped out of the industry?”

“Part of it,” Shinpei admitted under a fleeting smile that turned his features into a melancholy painting. “It’s just … he’d had to endure a lot of heartbreak. I’ve always wished I could have taken that from him … or prevented it. But there’s just no way.”

There was a long moment of silence then between us in which I pondered over his previous words. I swallowed the big lump in my throat then because I realised that he wasn’t doing this in spite or to hurt me or make fun of me, this was actually pretty hard for him too, he was trying to help me. Like he said. So I desperately tried to compose myself, too.

“I see. I’m sorry about that, you know. It’s not easy …”

“No, it’s not,” Shinpei nodded and I hoped I hadn’t subconsciously pushed him into saying these things and having to relive unwelcomed, hurtful memories. Feeling a bit lost, and still slightly nervous, I fumbled with the hem of my shirt. “it’s not really any easier these days than it was back in the day, is it?”

Even though he was still wilfully staring ahead at the ground, I could still see how he took it all to heart and the hurt and anger behind his hooded eyes. “No, it isn’t. Maybe that’s why I haven’t come to terms with it yet.”

It was a soft spoken, very cautiously conveyed, confession that I didn’t even know I’d held in me all this time. But there it was, on a silver platter. So frightfully sincere that it scared me, too. Where and when had this all started? I didn’t even know if Hiroki had been the first guy I’d been interested in. I’d never even asked myself this question. I’d just _assumed_ … and here I was.

“I don’t wish it upon you if I’m honest. But the heart wants what it wants.”

Now it was me that nodded absentmindedly. Shinpei wasn’t much older than me, just one single year, but sometimes I wondered how he could seem so wise. Maybe he’d had lived to see a lot after all. “I’m afraid I really do want him.”

_Him._

It spooked me out myself, to say this out loud. I even got goosebumps spontaneously. It made all this so much more real. No backing out of this. For the first time I actually had to think about it honestly. This weird parallel universe forgotten in time; this wasn’t reality. I couldn’t live here with him forever and flirt and bicker and take off his clothes with my eyes without anyone noticing. Could I even begin to think about how this could all unfold in ‘the real world’? _If he even liked me back_ , that was. Forever trying to appease the public? Always living a lie, a secret? Telling the world was not an option at all …

“Have you talked about it?”

“Oh, he doesn’t know I’m into him …”

“He … what?” Shinpei’s big eyes bulged out even more at my statement, so much so that I had to awkwardly scratch my head under his surprised gaze. “I just thought … you were so obviously flirting and all …”

I sighed. So it had been obvious for everyone to see after all. The truth was, however, even if it apparently seemed so obvious to outsiders, that I was still not sure if Hiroki liked me back. This awfully insecure way of thinking made me feel like a proper prepubertal teenager all over again. My heart screamed that there was no way he didn’t, but my head sent all of the S.O.S. and distress signal rockets at once. I was scared shitless.

I wondered how Manpei had to have felt all this time. I’d only been trying to endure this shitshow for a few _weeks_. I’d probably burst.

“I think I wasn’t fully aware that … we were flirting but … then I realised.”

“I see …” Shinpei muttered and seemed to honestly ponder over my current situation. Even though this weird intervention had freaked me out at first, I made a mental note to thank him more formerly later … if I’d survive this, that was. “In that case, I can’t really tell you to pursue it or not. I will, however, tell you that it’s not going to be easy. At all. A lot of people know you guys. But I think you’re aware of that.”

“Celebrities have always kept relationships secret until marriage, it’s not that hard.”

“Until _marriage_ , that is. Is that an option for you?” Shinpei’s bold provocation left me speechless for a moment. Of course I’d been aware. Of all of that. I’d mulled it over in my stupid head for a stupid amount of time. I just really wanted someone who told me to _just go for it_. “Plus, a scandal is a scandal. If people found out, I don’t know if they’d be as generous with you as they’d be with a straight couple.”

“I know, I know … I can’t see us keeping this hypothetical relationship a secret _forever_. But I also don’t really want to think about marriage at all already right now, as I’ve said: I haven’t even told him.” _I’ve only come to terms with it a few days ago, too_

A bit hopeless, I stared into his eyes and Shinpei stared back. He just wanted to make sure I knew all the risks involved. To make sure that I was sure about all of this, that this was not just a small infatuation that would blow over; out of sight, out of mind and gone. He was in favour of us. By now I was pretty sure that he’d initiated our cat-food-trip, too. He’d been aware of our flirting, he wanted to give us some time. What a sneaky old bastard.

“Think about it for a while. If it’s worth it, I mean. People can be so cruel,” he advised with a short smile and I sensed that this conversation was slowly coming to an end. Panicking internally, I asked myself how this new information would interfere with my actions and would change my behaviour. I felt good in knowing that Shinpei wasn’t going to judge me, but it also felt dangerous to know that there was now a person out there who _knew_. “But I hope that you’re aware that you’re not _wrong_ and you’re not doing anything that’s wrong. And I will be here if you need someone to talk to, okay?”

“I appreciate that a lot,” I forced a smile onto my quivering lips. I meant it, I really did, but I honestly needed some time now to digest this.

*******

It had been a few days after Shinpei’s revelation. It hadn’t really changed anything, to be quite frank, sometimes I caught myself feeling at ease with this situation; knowing that there was somebody who was supporting me silently from the side-lines. Sometimes I felt observed and awkward when I noticed that I’d been staring at Hiroki and Shinpei was in the same room. Was he waiting for my next move? Was I supposed to tell him about it? Did he expect me to change my mind and try to pursue Hanna instead? I didn’t feel judged per se, but I did wonder what he was thinking. He hadn’t tried to speak to me at all about it anymore, though. Not in the bathroom, not through the phone. But I was aware of his little side glances. And I still hadn’t decided what to do about it all.

Telling Hiroki just like that was so … out of the question. Maybe just because I was scared shitless at the mere thought of making myself so vulnerable and crying my heart out to him. What was I even supposed to say? How would I start any of this?

‘Sorry, but by the way, I think I _like_ like you?’

Playing with the strings of my guitar after I had tuned it, I exhaled all that I had kept inside of me slowly. I felt the air brush against the back of my hand that held the neck of the instrument and caught myself thinking, again, what Hiro’s little breaths and sighs would feel on my skin. I knew that I liked our dynamic a lot, the more time that I spent with him, the more I knew that I needed someone I could banter with like that. I needed this playfulness in a relationship, it was addicting. I also knew that we could have intriguing conversations. He was an interesting person all around, a sad person, but interesting nonetheless. I knew that we clicked on an intellectual level, but all the while I also couldn’t stop myself from imagining him naked. Lying underneath me. How he’d react to kisses on his neck, to fingertips trailing down his chest, tracing his tattoos. Playing his games until we weren’t. Turning his smug grin into an obedient nod and a desperate sigh.

I wanted all of that. And I couldn’t just make me _stop_ wanting that. So I just had to find a way. Any way. I just wanted to know.

With a full heart and fretful lungs, I took my guitar and made my way downstairs. I didn’t know yet what I was about to sing, but when I reached the living room, I saw Hiroki and Sayuri preparing for what looked like a performance of their own.

“Oh, what are you two planning?”

With increasing curiosity, I surreptitiously scurried closer to my two flatmates and after a short second of reviewing the situation, I decided to sit down on the couch from where I could observe what was happening. I left the guitar propped up against the armrest.

“They wanted to sing [Mikazuki](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fr5E2GC2WcA)” Nena explained, seeing that she was faster than Hiroki who’d only now looked up from his undertaking. “It seems that everybody is here for a change.”

When I turned my head, I saw Hanna sitting casually on one of the kitchen stools and Shinpei launching in the kitchen area without cooking, for whatever reason. I smiled at that too, maybe he felt most comfortable there.

“I thought you wanted to wait for the huge _talent show_?” I butted in, slightly confused, but I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t enjoying the sight. I hadn’t ever _really_ seen him performing live. Consciously, that was. In front of me. I was excited at the prospect of hearing him sing and seeing him move, I’d already forgotten about my guitar and my own plan entirely.

While Nena moved to sit down next to me, I couldn’t avert my gaze from Hiroki and how he stood there in his loose tank top that covered way too little of his chest. His delicate fingers, so elegant in their movements, were embracing a mock microphone and I felt so totally helpless in trying so desperately to stop looking at his tattoos. Or how the muscles moved beneath his golden skin. His neck. His full lips.

I had to cough to mask my surprised gasp when I finally did look away. Fuck, I never would have thought that I could be so infatuated with a God damn _guy_. I’d already, to my own shame, spent hours wondering about how his dick looked like, and was on the brink of going insane multiple times already because there was no way I could just _jerk off_ here. Jerking off while thinking about a guy … God, there was just no going back, was there.

“We talked about it and we just really wanted to do it now,” Sayuri chimed in with a smile as she finally flung the belt of her acoustic guitar over her shoulder. “I hope you’ll cheer us on.”

When it was clear that they were about to start, Shinpei and Hanna joined us on the couch, too. Before the first chord, Shinpei and me exchanged a knowing, comforting gaze. A look that asked ‘are you okay?’ and I nodded. I was okay. I was determined. He would be mine and I wouldn’t let go of him.

_Koyoi mo zujou de wa kirei na mangetsu ga kirakira  
Shiawasesou ni sekai wo terashiteiru  
Tou no watashi wa dekisokonai de dou shiyou mo nakute  
Yoake yume mite wa jibeta haizuri mawatteru_

Next to me, Nena and Shinpei started to cheer and clap their hands in surprised excitement. While Hanna just sat their smiling, I couldn’t believe how naturally Hiro stood there next to Sayuri, singing his heart out. She was something to behold, special, she knew exactly what she was doing and her singing was angelic, but Hiro managed to steal all of her spotlight. At least in my view. His brown eyes were closed while he was singing and he moved as though there was no one in this room but him. His voice was full of emotion, as if he’d start to cry any minute, but he didn’t. And when he opened his dark eyes again, they were meeting mine. No one of us was looking away. I held his gaze, pressed it to my aching chest, frightfully.

_Koyoi mo zujou de wa kirei na mangetsu ga yurayura  
Dareka no ude ni dakarete nemutteiru  
Tou no watashi wa hitori no yoru ni oshitsubusarete wa  
Dare ni mo mienai yoyami haizuri mawatteru_

It was like being hypnotised or thrown into a different world. I watched him move rhythmically to the music but his eyes never left mine. It was as though I could feel his agony right underneath my own chest. His pleading. I wasn’t imagining this. Not for one second he looked away.

It was then that I caught myself thinking that they would make a great couple but the fish in my chest objected. Wasn’t having it. He looked _at me_. Only at me.

_Sore de mo anata to onnaji keshiki ga mata mitai kara  
Nakidashitakute mo nagedashitakute mo  
Akirametari wa dekinai  
Sore de mo anata ni mitsukaru you ni  
Sanagi wa tsuyoku te wo nobasu no  
Kaketa mono wo dakishimete  
Negai wo hanatsu yo mikazuki_

Only at me. Suddenly the world didn’t mean anything anymore. His shoulders, his chest, his eyes, the moles underneath them. His voice, breaking and hoping and wishing.

_Koyoi mo zujou de wa kirei na mangetsu ga kirakira  
Tsugi wa kimi no ban da to waratteiru_

I knew that our time would come.


	7. YOU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, this is going pretty fast, I know. I've still been writing a lot. I've added two more chapters too, and if I hadn't done so I would have already finished the story, haha. ONLY TWO MORE CHAPTERS FOR ME TO GO, I don't know how my life will be without it, lol.
> 
> This is it, by the way. This is it ...
> 
> Chapter song: [Coldrain – YOU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOOeTBENAkM)

‘Date Day’ had come.

What Sayuri had jokingly referred to as ‘Date Day’ was the day everyone was going on a date, obviously, and the term had stuck around. Everyone was excited and slightly on edge and joking about making it a _competition_. Promising to send updates, pictures and selfies into the group chat. I wasn’t very keen on the prospect but was positive about the fact that Nena wouldn’t need to be told twice to keep the others updated. I sighed as I picked up my things – phone, wallet, keys – and tried not to think too much about it. Koutaro-kun scurried excitedly around our legs as if he were expecting to be taking along. At one point, I even squatted down to pet him gingerly, which I praised myself mentally for.

When I turned around, Hiroki and Sayuri were standing behind me, also preparing for take-off. I couldn’t help but observing them for a moment, noticing how the petite form of Sayuri could fit in Hiro’s arms perfectly if he tried to give her a hug and how her smile was reciprocated when she turned her head towards him. I wasn’t sure if I was jealous per se, but the thought of them having a great time today bugged me, nonetheless. Because I could _see_ them together. They made sense. Even _if_ it were the case that Hiroki thought he liked me, it wasn’t that hard to change your mind and just go for the girl after all, was it? I wouldn’t hold it against him, even if it _were_ the case. Funny to even think about it, though, I still couldn’t be sure if he liked me in the first place.

Just when I turned my head again, I noticed Hiroki trying to make eye contact, but it was so much easier to avert my gaze again than to engage in another interaction with him. Sleeping together in the same room had already become more that I could handle. I was constantly tired, constantly nervous and constantly on edge and horny. Every time I heard him move in his bed or moan and sigh in his sleep. Sometimes I wished I could just message him and talk to him in private. About things that were sleeping on my heart and about the fish in my chest. Maybe he’d then try to get me to banter with him again, and seeing that it had been so long since our last ‘session’ … I would lie if I said that I wasn’t missing it.

I swallowed and clenched my hands into fists. This was the show. This was _for_ the show. For show. I’d survive this, too.

“Wanna go?” Suddenly Nena was right next to me and linked arms with me. I was too startled to react properly or any way at all for that matter, and so I let her be and agreed.

Nena and I had decided beforehand that we would go to a museum. It felt natural since we had talked so openly and deeply about art the other day. The art gallery we went to was open and bright and there were more landscape paintings than portraits. I liked it. Nena had been trying to behave herself, I gave her that, but now that we were alone and trying to enjoy art, she was getting slightly obnoxious.

Although she feigned to appreciate art on a deeper emotional level, she couldn’t hold back her really loud, really exhausting persona. She looked beautiful between all these paintings (and had been wanting me to take pictures of her left and right), but it had become painfully obvious that she just didn’t fit here.

“Are you glad you’re here with me today?” She asked innocently with a look at me while perfectly blocking my view at a painting of the Seine. I popped a hesitant smile. I was sure that she had sensed my stance towards her and that’s why she’d asked.

“Of course I am.” But that didn’t seem to convince her.

The whole time she pranced around me like a fox, not really looking at the paintings at all, and suddenly I wondered if she’d even meant all the things she’d told me that one time in the car. She was a comedian, someone who was supposed to be good at improvising, so she could have very well been thinking up everything very easily. But maybe she was just nervous, or desperate, and didn’t know how to act so I tried to give her another chance.

It wasn’t until we were standing in front of the obvious highlight of the exhibition that she managed to really tick me off, however. She was nudging me and giggling like a little child, so different compared to the other times I’d been alone with her, and then, smiling sweetly, she said: “What do you think the others are doing? I wonder if Hanna has as much fun as she had with you recently.”

Feeling irritation, for whatever reason, bubble up inside of me, I bit my lip so as not to start screaming in the middle of the museum. I only just managed not to give her a death stare. Why did she even want to go on this date with me? So that she never had to stop complaining? It did manage to make me think back at my date with Hanna and how effortlessly pleasant it had been. Probably not what Nena had intended to cause. It also, without being able to control my thoughts, made me think of how wicked Hiroki’s smiles were when he tried to make me uncomfortable.

I sighed.

“Does that even matter as long as we have fun?”

Very diplomatic, Masato.

“Do we?”

I stared at her incredulously. Had she meant that? Was she joking? I could practically _hear_ the howling of the moderators back in the studio and how they’d die to start bad-mouthing us and this whole situation.

What a trash fire of a catastrophic date that was.

It was already dark when we left the museum, both very exhausted for various reasons. We’d actually planned on going for a drink or a coffee afterwards, but it was hard to motivate myself. Looking at Nena, she seemed to think the same. Just as she was about to suggest taking a cab home, I got a text message. Feeling my blood rise inside of me when I caught sight of his name, I opened it with a fast beating heart.

« _HIROKI_ : Fancy a drink or two? »

It seemed like Nena was going home alone tonight.

*******

My heart tried to jump out of my chest in yet another suicide attempt.

I heard it rumbling in my head and felt it in my throat. I’d never been so nervous and had never felt so … _caught_. Or almost caught. It had been just a single message from him, without saying anything else really. Maybe he just wanted to have some beer after the date, wanted to share his experience. But deep down I knew that we were doing something, were about to do something, that wasn’t quite _right_. And yet I ran smiling into this trash fire.

There was no way I would have said ‘no’ and I thought he’d known that.

I knew he was already inside the little _izakaya_ we were about to meet at and so I felt silly, standing in front of it in the dark like a little boy, tipping from one foot to the other, trying to tame this God damn fish. But there was just no use. When I finally stepped inside, the sound of its tail swishing about was so loud it made me deaf.

Hiroki sat at the back at a little table and smiled when he looked up and saw me.

Here we go.

“Why the message? Didn’t it go too well?”

I didn’t know what else to say, it was the first thing that rushed through my head. I wanted to play cool, as though I hadn’t been absolutely excited at the prospect of meeting him now, without any cameras. No matter how the date had gone, his first thought after it had been _me_. He wanted to see _me_. And although my chest hadn’t felt like bursting anymore for a while, when I looked into his dark eyes now, all I wanted was to explode into a million pieces.

“It did, but dates are kind of exhausting, too. I just wanted to relax a bit afterwards.”

“With me?” _Was this not a date?_ I bit my lip surreptitiously.

Hiroki in front of me smiled, almost as if he felt caught too, and nipped on his beer. Living in this house … it didn’t mean our family and friends were out of the question. He’d always have the option of meeting someone else, any of his friends really, but he did decide to meet me instead.

“You’re … easy going.”

“You mean we get along?” I chuckled as I observed how his eyebrows moved when he listened to me speak before our eyes met yet again. He looked dazed, a bit lost, but there was nothing I would rather do than look into his eyes right now.

Just when I thought that a beer would do me some good too, someone came over to take my order and not a long moment passed until I had a beer in front of me as well. Relieved, I took a big gulp and noticed how my nervousness finally calmed down a bit.

“I mean, we do?”

Our arms were resting on the small table and our hands were so close they were almost touching. The whole time I was leaning forward, just to feel closer to him, to feel all the things that I wasn’t feeling when I was around Nena … or even Hanna. Hiroki had his brown soft hair tugged behind his ears, but little strands were still escaping and sticking out. His mouth was never quite closed. The alcohol had painted a flattering hue of coral onto his cheeks. The yellow lighting in the _izakaya_ blurred everything into a dreamy mess; there was steam and heat and noise and the warmth of the alcohol running down my throat. It was full in here, but no one seemed to have noticed us.

“Maybe I didn’t want to be teased like that all the time?”

It was a soft spoken but kind of mocking provocation, nonetheless. I looked him in his eyes the whole time and by the end of it, I wasn’t sure if he believed me.

“Oh, you did, I could tell. Does your offer still stand, though?”

“My _offer_?”

“Trying to shut you up?”

Oh, _that_. Fuck … true, I’d already kind of admitted to liking it. Or else I wouldn’t have told him to go try and shut me up with his sexually charged banter. My mind then ran a thousand miles, all the while going through scenarios in which he would cheekily declare something that would make me both hot and bothered at the same time and then _I_ would try to shut him up instead because I couldn’t bear how it made me feel. Every time he’d been cheeky with me, there was this low voice inside of me that was telling me to grab him and wipe that grin off his face. Not in a brutal, but in an equally sexually charged way which somehow managed to make it feel significantly worse. I gasped at the sudden thought. At the end of the day I could only picture him doing whatever I was going to order him to do. _And he’d do it_.

_Fuck._

“You can try it. We’re face to face.”

“So, how was it like to be thinking about me the whole time you were with Nena?”

I had to admit, for a moment that did throw me off balance. Nervously, I busied myself with sticking my nose into my beer glass and tried not to let it show. He wasn’t going to win this.

“You were the one texting me, weren’t you? You tell _me_.”

“Touché. But I already told you why I wanted to meet up,” Hiroki said so casually, but his eyes flickered. When he’d drunk the last bit of his beer, there was already someone on the spot to offer him the next and he agreed. For a second, I wondered if he could even stomach it, but then I ordered a second, too. Something told me that I’d need it. “But I did think of you.”

He wasn’t even trying at this point. There was a fleeting sense of a cheeky smile rushing over his lips, but he meant it. I saw it in his eyes that he wasn’t joking at this point, he wasn’t bantering; he _had_ thought of me. And for a moment then I really didn’t know what to say.

“Only good things?”

“Only good things.”

Nervous, I paused. This was more than pure banter. For the first time I was honestly so utterly convinced that he wasn’t only just _flirting_ , he was trying to tell me something. That he was as interested in me as I was in him. We didn’t lose eye contact, not even once. And my heart was so loud I feared he could hear it.

“Hiro … can I ask you a personal question?”

“Go ahead.”

I was kind of nervous asking this because I wasn’t quite sure what I was dealing with. I had only fleetingly looked into the abyss that was his childhood and didn’t know how much he could handle, but I was just so curious. There was this notion, this feeling, that I would have to ask this question in order to be able to understand him fully. His childhood was a part of him as much as my own failures and pain was a part of me. And I needed to know him.

“I couldn’t shake that feeling that there was more to Mikazuki than … you know, it just being a song you covered?”

“Is this about Sayuri and me?”

“No, no, I mean …” I sighed as I gestured and searched for words, I actually didn’t want to voice it so directly, but I wasn’t sure Hiroki would get it otherwise. “It was very emotional, seeing you perform, you know? And the lyrics are so sad …”

Hiro’s flashed a short smile then, but it looked crooked somehow. After he’d looked at his beer glass for a while, he again searched for my gaze. “Can I be honest with you?”

“Of course you can.”

“The song is essentially about never being enough while you see others succeed, yeah? Or so I always liked to think about it. It touched me of course because that’s how I always feel like. I was just never quite enough, no matter how hard I tried.”

Deliberately, I let his words sink in. I’d long known that he was always sad deep down, that kind of anguish you can’t help but nourish when no one was looking, that kind of melancholy you knew was irrational and yet it gorged a big hole into your soul. I didn’t want to begin to even think more intensely about all this, but it did throw me a few years back and to the inner struggle K had succumbed to, too. And what a mess I’d been and still was. Feeling silly and caught, I shook my head to lose these confusing thoughts and tried to concentrate on our conversation.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Hiro … I just hope you’re aware that that’s not the case and that you _are_ enough. No matter if it comes to family or friends or your career or … love.”

“Thank you, that means a lot,” Hiroki smiled at me and I desperately hoped he meant it.

We were drunk when we tumbled out of the _izakaya_. I theoretically knew that that hadn’t been such a great idea to begin with, but it felt heavenly not having to overthink things and the fish was finally shutting up, too. There was just pure excitement in my veins; excitement and alcohol. Not a good combination when there was your saneness at stake.

Hiroki next to me was radiating warmth and a bouncing kind of energy. As we walked, he bumped into me here and there, probably unintentionally due to intoxication, but every time it hit me so hard that I _ached_ for his presence. I just wanted to throw my arm around him and pull him closer; walk like this. Side by side. Feel his heartbeat on my chest. I let his breath cloud my mind and his smiles paint my thoughts. He was just so beautiful, and I couldn’t help but be absolutely delighted at the prospect of this night; not knowing where it was going. This morning, I had woken up thinking ‘well, I’ll have to go through this’ but now I felt like my real date was only beginning. And everything in my veins tickled and there were sparks all over; I was so giddy. It was ridiculous.

This was how it _should_ feel like. This thought made me almost go insane.

“Where are we even going?”

“Far, far, ‘till no one can find us,” I answered, snickering, and smiled when he bumped into me again. Yes, we were still drunk and everything I felt I felt a thousand times deeper, more intensely. Most of the time, alcohol just made me numb and indifferent, but this time it seemed to serve to enhance all my emotions beautifully. My chest and stomach were full of butterflies, I felt like bursting.

“Is this far enough then?”

Hiroki was pointing at a little seating area in the corner of a side street. There were trees spending a comfortable amount of shade and privacy and when we sat down on the benches, so very close to each other, closer than the time we’d spent next to the vending machine, I felt my skin go up in flames and my breath stuck in my throat. Our thighs were touching and there were hardly any lights that could illuminate his golden skin.

“It’ll have to do,” I told him in a whisper, raising the tone of my voice at the end of my sentence slightly. I felt both agitated and aroused at the same time. I didn’t know what was going to happen, and I did not care. All that mattered was that we were both here, drunk, and a little bit desperate. Both with our hearts on our tongues, it seemed. When I looked at him and tried to make out his eyes in this darkness, I was sure to see the fire burning in them as well; mimicking my own, reflecting. We were facing each other. If I could just lean closer, just a few inches. It wasn’t far, it wasn’t unthinkable. I could just lean over and catch his lips–

“What about a game of truth or dare?”

I looked at him a bit dumbfounded and wondered if he’d really meant it. But he looked at me as determined as always. And while I was suddenly feeling nervous as hell once again, deep down something told me that I _had_ to do this, that this was my only chance. I was already anticipating what hadn’t happened yet but I knew that _this was it_.

“Did I miss something, are we 12 again?”

My voice was cracking, I didn’t even know if I believed anything I said right now. But Hiroki was just staring at me intently without answering. I felt his breath on my face and his shoulder was nudging mine. He was practically pressing himself against me. Desperately. And so I agreed.

“I go first. Truth.”

“How was your date with Sayuri?” I didn’t have to think long about this one. We hadn’t talked about it in the pub, which was actually kind of curious. But the question rushed out of me like a flooding river.

“Good,” Hiroki sighed but didn’t sound as enthusiastic about it as his words suggested, “we got along just fine. _As friends_. I really like her, but it’s … not enough, I’m afraid.” He had an empathetic, sort of melancholic, smile on his lips then that I could only barely make out in the darkness. He didn’t look me in the eyes when he said it, as if admitting to it had been a huge step in the first place. As if he secretly thought that he was supposed to _like her like that_. “What about you?”

“I didn’t go on a date with Sayuri,” I joked but Hiroki promptly nudged me with his shoulder again to stop my attempts at bullshitting.

“You know what I mean,” he sighed.

“It was pretty catastrophic, and I don’t really want to talk about it …”

“Better not tell the producers,” he cut me off laughing then, somewhat on edge, and I suddenly realised in horror what all this entailed. Two of the guys were falling for each other, head over heels, hard. That wasn’t supposed to happen. And yet I couldn’t stop staring into his eyes. This longing was killing me. The tension was plotting my death. There was no way I’d not give in to this happy feeling just so that TV show producers could make more money. “What about you and Hanna then?”

“Isn’t it my turn?”

“Technically …”

I chuckled as I saw it dawning on his face when he realised that I was only teasing him. But now I actually had to think about Hanna and I and what I’d felt in the last couple of weeks. It was a revelation in its own. I’d been so enamoured with Hiroki, mind and heart and head obsessed, that I’d totally forgotten about asking myself what I’d felt for Hanna in the first place. “You know, she’s totally my type. She’s so pretty and always in a good mood, but she’s mature too and she always knows what to say and do … but it just _isn’t enough_ , either.”

I looked at him then and prayed that that was already enough for him to understand. Hanna was beautiful and special and I had fun with her and under different circumstances I could see us being more than friends … but there could have never been any other way or outcome than this; I couldn’t even try and look at her when I was head over heels for this stupid idiot right in front of me.

For a few seconds then we didn’t say a word but kept staring into each other’s eyes. I felt the heat creep back into the tips of my ears then, my heart was racing, and every breath felt like none taken. The world around us was either blurry, dark, not existing or everything at once. This was the moment. The moment in which I’d normally move closer, inch by inch, until I could finally brush his cheek with my thumb, hold him and kiss him. That moment, in my own head, however, was kind of reserved for a straight romance. Had he been a girl, I would have already kissed him. But I sat there, full of fear and curious euphoria, and wouldn’t move a finger.

“Truth,” Hiroki then said out of the blue and it startled me weirdly, I hadn’t been sure if we were still playing. I swallowed hard.

“What did you think when you first saw me in the house?”

I knew we were carefully dancing around each other, painfully, on tip toes, so as not to have to make the first move. We sensed where this was going, there was no doubt about it anymore, but I couldn’t bring myself to lay my heart out in the open.

“I was happy,” he admitted, “that I already seemed to know someone. And at the prospect of getting to know you better. I think … I achieved that.”

“How much did you want to get to know me?”

“How much did you like my sweaty tank-top on your face?”

“I see,” I sighed in defeat, but laughed breathlessly, even though no air would come out of my lungs, they were almost bursting. “Truth, then.”

“Have you ever kissed a guy?”

My heart in my ears. My knees burning from where we were touching. I tried to see what was in his eyes but couldn’t. _Fuck_.

“No …” I hadn’t. Not seriously, anyway. “Have you?”

“Yes …”

I swallowed. This was happening, right there. And I had confirmation now. He _was_ interested in guys, he was … I couldn’t even hear myself speak when I finally picked up my croaking voice again. “Dare.”

First I thought he’d muttered the words ‘kiss me’ under his breath, but instead I only felt him rushing forward, closing the gap between us, and the next thing I knew his lips were finally on mine. Desperately, I tried to breathe between the rushed and sloppy kisses, but they quickly grew faster and less careful and more intense until I finally decided that being able to breathe wasn’t nearly as important as this.

My ears were ringing, and I couldn’t stop smiling against his lips, pressing this unspeakable bliss into him with every sigh. My hands were all over him; on his cheeks, on his shoulder, on his arms, on his chest, on his back. I pulled at his shirt and pressed myself against him hysterically, I couldn’t describe it any differently. The fish inside of me was _ecstatic_. I couldn’t believe my luck. I couldn’t believe how _good_ this felt. How real, how right. And when we finally parted, out of breath and out of mind, he let out a shaky breath accompanied with a smile that just threw me.

I didn’t want to go back to this house. I couldn’t.

“You don’t mean to tell me that we could have had this _way_ earlier now, do you?”

“Shut up, I can’t believe this, either …” I confessed, because I couldn’t. We were still clutching at each other; one hand of mine on his shoulder, the other on his thigh. He had one of his hands on the back of my neck; our foreheads were touching as we both gasped for air. I’d never felt anything like it before and suddenly I was questioning my whole existence and everything that I’d ever felt before. “I think I … really like you, Hiro.”

“When did you know?”

His words were a mere breath, but I could hear that he was still smiling. “At the pool,” I answered sort of embarrassed at the memory of it and was glad the darkness concealed the blush I felt creeping onto my cheeks. “I thought I’d gone crazy.”

Hiroki was chuckling softly, and probably imagining what I’d left out. I could sense that he was thinking about what to say and in the end couldn’t help but fall back into old patterns. “Did I turn you on so bad?”

“I don’t want you to get so full of yourself.”

“And here I've been, just waiting to get full of _you_.”

…

“That’s it? Did I do it? Are you speechless?”

_Fuck._


	8. Adrenaline

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no, here we go again.
> 
> #1 reason why this fic is, after all, rated explicit, lol. So be prepared, there's accidental smut ahead. (It's been a short while since I've last published any, so I feel kinda hmmmmmm about it, but please go judge for yourself).
> 
> Powerbottom!Hiro, yey
> 
> Chapter song: [Coldrain – Adrenaline](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QIdfW011bxU)  
> 

Hiro’s face was so close to mine. Breathing felt difficult under these circumstances, it felt like a chore that I had to do but whenever my breath clouded his vision, he would make the most captivating noises. And so I continued breathing.

“You know you’re not cuming already; you’re not allowed to.”

He was on top of me, straddling me with his legs. I saw and felt him only blurringly move up and down; having established a firm rhythm already that tricked me into thinking that there was no way I could ever disobey him. I just lay there, paralysed.

He had me. I exhaled. He had me right where he wanted me and I let him, gladly.

“You in charge of me now?” These words came shaky, croaky; my own ears almost couldn’t pick up on what I’d just said.

“I’ll say when you’re allowed to cum,” he breathed against my lips as an answer, and his voice had this hint of dominance, of control, that I couldn’t seem to argue against at this point. Instead, I nodded like the good boy that I was, and as a reward he grabbed my underarms and pinned them down with his hands above my head. I yelped in surprise but didn’t object. “I’ll ride you ‘till I cum on your chest and maybe then you’ll be allowed to grab me and fuck me ‘till you’re ready, too. Understood?”

I just swallowed a big lump in my throat at his filthy words, at the fact that he could even breathe such a long sentence without fucking up right now; but I nodded and felt the heat rise into my chest and neck and ears from where we were both one. I honestly wasn’t sure how he could say these things so very confidently and clearly even though he had me inside of him and was moving so fast. I felt positively numb and at his mercy, too. I couldn’t seem to move, no matter how hard I tried. But Hiroki was still circling his hips and his moans echoed in my ears. Again, I felt like bursting. I couldn’t believe this. I’d dreamt of this for so long, and now I was finally inside of him and he felt _so good_. This made him feel so good and _I_ was the one making him feel that way. The way he breathed, how he looked at me, the way he moaned when he had my cock deep inside of him. I just wanted more of him, just more. But it was never quite enough or the right time, it seemed.

“You can use me, I don’t care,” I croaked and finally caught him in another harsh kiss. His hips were at last moving faster but it only got harder to hold back that way. I just wanted him to tell me that I could cum. I just wanted to cum deep inside of him. But I also loved the way he dominated me and I didn’t want this to end. “I just want your cum all over me. Please. I can’t hold back any longer.”

“You will have to do better than that, though,” he reprimanded me, and I felt my dick twitch at that. Deep down I knew that I’d always wanted to be treated like that during sex. “Beg for me.”

I was fucking _livid_. I was on fire. Every fibre of my skin was screaming but still, considering all this mess, I was living for it. I’d never felt so good in my entire life, or at least I couldn’t recall a time. I just wanted to surrender to him completely. Let him do to me whatever he wanted. I knew that I’d always dreamt of doing that to him; I’d excelled at dominating. But _this_? This was next level.

“Please,” I breathed, moaned, but immediately knew that it still wasn’t enough.

“Try again,” he demanded with a strict tone in his voice that almost made me choke on the little sob that fought its way up my throat at the way he slammed his hips down on me. This time, though, he moaned, too. “You can do better than that.”

“Please– I want your cum on me … I want to … cum.”

At that, he only pressed one hand harder on my wrists but used one of his hands to grab my hair and yank my head upwards. He was looking at me intently, watching me, while his brown eyes told stories. I got lost in them. I’d never before wanted someone to do with my body as they wanted. But I’d let him do as he pleased any day. It was so hot holding eye-contact with him like that while I knew that he was pleasuring himself with my dick. I hadn’t known that he’d had so many provoking, hot glares to offer. It robbed me of my breath completely this time.

“Say my name.”

“… Please, Hiroki–”

I could see it in his eyes that he was thinking about teasing me a lot longer than this, but his patience seemed to be crumbling slowly as well. I tried a short glance at his own hard dick that was bobbing along the established rhythm, but for some reason I could not tell how big he was or how he looked. When he picked up the speed, he finally leaned closer to me again, our foreheads were almost touching and while I could not capture his lips in a kiss, I smiled when we shared a few breaths.

“Please …”

He was close, I knew that much. I was just waiting for him to go up in flames, so that I could follow. He sighed, I groaned when he shoved me deeper inside of him. He grinned; I couldn’t close my mouth at this sensation. He was moving faster then and even though he tried to restrain me, I couldn’t help but move my hips in order to meet his thrusts. He let me. Finally he let go of my arms above my head and used one hand to jerk himself off. He didn’t look as if he needed the additional stimulation but since it was so hot watching him like that, I couldn’t have cared less.

Our bodies were moving in unison by that point, even our breathing harmonised and with every inhale, I could feel us getting closer to the edge. We were only a few seconds away. I was so desperate to look him in the eyes while he came. Oh God. I was so close, I–

And then I woke up.

Of course that had to have been a dream, _of course_. Oh, fuck. 

Slightly disoriented, I sat up in bed and brushed through my face, trying just to cope. I was immensely relieved to see that I was the only one in the bedroom and everyone else was already downstairs or someplace else. Now, with a crimson-red face, I just hoped that I hadn’t moaned in my sleep and Hiroki and Shinpei had left because of that. Oh God.

Embarrassed to my bones, I rubbed my cheeks and tried to hide my face in my hands, but this yucky feeling wouldn’t leave me. God, it hadn’t been a choice of mine to dream anything like that, I couldn’t have helped it. Even if they’d heard it. These things happened, right? Oh God.

I felt lucky enough to realise that I hadn’t cum, anyway. My briefs still felt relatively dry – and I could still feel my boner pushing up against the hem. So … there was that.

I tried to calm my breathing and sat up a bit more upright but refused to try and get up already. What would I do if anyone walked in right now, anyway? Morning wood wasn’t that odd, though there was no need to show the world, really. It was just that … it wouldn’t really go down, either. The dream had been so vivid and realistic and, to be quite frank, _everything I’d wanted_. Now it was all I could think about; Hiro’s face and eyes and lips and chest and his cock. His voice. _Those words he’d uttered_. I was still so horny. I wondered if he would be up to it. I wondered when I would be able to kiss him again. Would we kiss again? We hadn’t really talked since that had happened last night and my chest had felt so full when we’d went to bed. But now that I’d woken up alone, I was afraid that I’d dreamed all of this up, too. That it never actually happened, even though I knew that that thought was kinda ridiculous in itself. It was just that … this all made me so insecure. Maybe because I’d never felt like this before or maybe because it was my first time falling for another guy. In any case, I felt like a little schoolboy having his first crush. _And I didn’t like this feeling at all_ …

When my erection had finally gone down and I had succeeded in convincing myself that no one had heard me moan and it was safe (and about time!) to finally leave my bed and go downstairs, I found Hiroki in the kitchen, preparing to wash the dishes. I took a deep breath before I actually entered the area and looked for any one of the others but there was no one else around. Hiroki smiled gently when he saw me, his hands wet from the hot water, and it already took me aback with no effort at all; all my breath and good will gone in the blink of an eye. Oh, if he only knew what I’d just dreamed.

“Hey, did you sleep well?”

I had to give it to him; acting like nothing had ever happened: check.

“I … did,” I uttered under my breath, averting my gaze and hoping he’d just asked out of politeness and not because he’d sensed that I just had a _very_ dirty dream of us. I almost fainted when I saw his dainty fingers playing with a wet plate and was reminded of the way he’d grabbed his cock in my dream. Panicking, I bit my lip and tried my hardest not to think about it too much. I really couldn’t use another one of those futile boners in awkward situations. “Let me help you.”

“No need, just sit down and relax. It’s not much,” he explained and turned around again to face the dishes, but his exposed neck that was sporting one of his delicate gold necklaces, one of those that matched his honey-coloured skin so perfectly, made me curiously nervous all of a sudden.

I gulped and shook my head, even though he couldn’t see it. There was no one around. There was no harm in seeking innocent physical contact, anyway … as long as I wouldn’t pop a boner again.

“Just, let me …” I tried to reassure him and began to squeeze in next to him behind the counter, gesturing for him to hand me the clean dishes so I could dry them. After a short second, a glance in my direction that I reciprocated with a lifted eyebrow and yet more nervousness tugging at my bones, he did as he was told. I sighed when I could finally help and not having to endure an awkward silence with nothing left to do for me – because something told me that that would have happened otherwise. I didn’t even know why we acted this way. We hadn’t really talked yesterday and we both knew that we ought to do it, there was no way around it. The more time passed, the harder it would get. I sighed under my breath at the sudden realisation without noticing it and got Hiroki’s attention on the spot.

“Hard day?” He had this bold smirk on his lips that I was dying to kiss away some day without having to bother about what others might think. There was again a slight hint of banter in his voice but this time it did nothing but reassure me that I didn’t need to worry about all the things I was worrying about. Stealing a side-glance at Hiroki, I couldn’t help but notice my heart leaping when our eyes met.

“I just got up, I don’t know what you mean.”

“You sigh as if you’ve just eaten your last meal, old man.”

I couldn’t take my eyes off of him, even while drying the dishes. I was fascinated by the way his eyes gleamed excitedly and his dimples appeared on his cheeks when he smiled. I almost overheard his blunt attempt at trying to throw me. All I could do was to just stare blankly at him and let him nudge me with his hips or shoulders; almost as if accidentally but I knew better than that. It felt different as to when Nena had tried to do that with me. He seemed as though it was the easiest thing to do for him, too – acting like nothing had happened, that was. Bantering and smiling and flirting but no attempt at wanting to settle this thing between us. Maybe he counted on me for being so sure about my feelings that there was no going back anymore on this whole thing; maybe he couldn’t fathom that I could feel different about us after all. But to be fair, I hadn’t given him a reason to doubt my feelings. Maybe this was just the way he was: so used to covering up his own feelings in public and always trying to hide them that it didn’t bother him at all. While I was here, almost going up in flames through eye-contact and little brushes of skin.

“I just think that we should go for a coffee again soon … or something like that.”

“This isn’t a date, right? Or did you fall for me head over heels?”

Of course he was still joking, in the most light-hearted way he knew, though I couldn’t help but to give him a wide-eyed stare. There was no way people would find out about us just through that, anyway. Men were joking about that sometimes, weren’t they? #nohomo. I was just so confused by how he managed to leave me a speechless mess so easily and so often all of a sudden. And I enjoyed it even more than handing back cheeky remarks myself.

“We’d obviously be going _just as friends_ , Hiro-Chan.” I flashed a candy-sweet smile at him and his knowing look at that was poison in my veins.

After he’d finished washing the last cup and had shoved it in my hands with still wet fingers, he shuffled to the other side of me to reach another one of the tea towels. Confidently, like the little brat he was, he made a point of squeezing past me as closely as he could possibly manage; with his crotch across my butt and two wet fingers grazing the naked skin I sported where my shirt had ridden up. Then, a dirty look when he’d finally reached the other side again. An empty thought. Fortunately, although we’d been aware of it, the kitchen counter behind our backs had been concealing this interaction between us nicely.

Later that day, when he’d left the house, I received a short text message from him.

« _HIROKI_ : I’d rather walk with you to some abandoned place somewhere. I’m dying to be alone with you again. It’s so hard not to touch you all the time. »

I had to stop what I was doing to smile inwardly in secret and think about how we’d best pull this off. Because I couldn’t wait, either.

*******

“It would be so weird if one of us left the house, wouldn’t it?”

Out of all people, Nena was the one who declared this with such a strong hint of melancholy in her voice that I couldn’t be sure if she faked it. It was a bit awkward, sitting next to her in the playroom after our last date … and the things I’d experienced that she didn’t know about. We hadn’t talked about this little catastrophe, but I was sure that she’d complained about me to the other women.

“Who knows? Maybe someone else comes along you’re interested in then?” Shinpei explained to her in such a deadpan way that I almost had to break out into laughter, then he looked at me from across the couch and flashed a short smile. He still didn’t know about what had happened between Hiro and me. I hadn’t told him yet, but now that we were sitting together and I couldn’t for the life of me concentrate on what was happening on the TV, I was dying to do so. Because although he’d cautioned me carefully, I knew that, ultimately, he was supporting of us. And I couldn’t wait to share my excitement. This itching in my fingertips. The fish that caused an uproar and made huge waves inside of me. Hiroki wasn’t here yet, but Hanna was sitting awkwardly cuddled together with Nena under a huge blanket between Shinpei and I. Sometimes I stole a short glance at her and wondered what she was thinking. Biting my lip, hoping that I wouldn’t hurt her feelings after all.

“I like us the way we are now, though,” she pouted but she didn’t even try to conceal the way she looked in my direction afterwards. On the program, a _wakashū_ -youth cut his forelocks in tears.

“Well, good things have to come to an end eventually,” Shinpei purred and Nena puffed her cheeks in what seemed like genuine upset.

“That’s so rude,” she remarked, Shinpei laughed.

“Can’t you guys tease each other someplace else? I don’t understand a thing.” Suddenly Hanna chimed in through the chaos and at first everyone grew shockingly silent at her unexpected outburst, but then Shinpei succumbed again to snorting laughter.

“It does make you sad, too, huh?”

Hanna stared ahead towards the TV and didn’t answer but I could tell that she was busy pondering over something instead of actually paying attention to the movie. She had her hair in a short ponytail again and even her resting face looked beautiful viewed from the side. I sighed deeply and something inside of me wished, claws at my throat, that there was even the slightest chance of me falling for her after all. That there was a normal life for me ahead with her by my side; a life that I’d always pictured leading some day. But then Hiroki’s teasing smile shot through my thoughts and I shook my head as if in a daze. You really couldn’t change what your heart was longing for, could you?

With another short glance at Shinpei, I took my phone to message him and hoped that it wouldn’t seem too suspicious or even weird to him. I just really needed a shoulder to cry on.

« _YOU_ : I need to talk to you. »

I didn’t care about whether we’d do this on the phone or wherever. But after Shinpei looked at his phone, he shot me a knowing glance and excused himself to the bathroom. While the girls were still absorbed by the happenings on the TV, I inconspicuously followed him after a short while.

“It’s about Hiroki again, isn’t it?” he greeted me when I’d closed the door softly behind me. I’d been nervous about whether I had misunderstood the signals and he _actually_ needed to go to the restroom, but he had told me to get in after I’d knocked weakly. Shinpei was standing against the wall opposite from me with his arms crossed but sporting a comforting smile. I just wished there was a better time and place for this talk.

“We … kissed.”

“You were gone a long time yesterday. Nena was kind of upset.”

I bit my lip at the memories and couldn’t bring myself to look up. Shinpei was, like always when he quit his playful side, the voice of reason. “You’re right. It wasn’t very nice of me to let her go home on her own.”

Shinpei sighed defeated. “No. Perhaps not. I heard that your date didn’t really go as planned?”

I shrugged and the tilt of my head slowly turned into an unsure nod. A felt slightly underappreciated at the fact that he’d ignored my confession completely but something in his voice reminded me that I’d probably deserved this little telling-off before a ‘well-done’, anyway. “It was awful. We didn’t get along at all. I know, that’s no reason to hang her out to dry like that … But Hiroki wanted to meet up.”

“I see … the heart still wants what it wants, huh?”

I nodded my head carefully but couldn’t repress a smile at those fresh memories. I knew I’d ought to feel bad about how I’d treated Nena, but this feeling of all-encompassing love and giddiness was stronger, I’d admitted to myself in shame. Overwhelmed, I covered half my face with my hand and couldn’t suppress some sort of ecstatic, random noise that suddenly rolled off my tongue without a warning. He’d only been away for a few hours since this morning and I’d been missing him so much already. “I’m very positive that this is it, though. I’m scared but I’m also so God damn _happy_.”

Shinpei nodded and I could tell by the way this smile tugged on the corner of his lips that he was genuinely happy for me, too. “I mean, you’ve basically won the show.”

I laughed. “I feel really blessed. But now it’s gotten so hard to be in this house with him. Harder than before.”

“I can imagine. There’s not much you can contribute anymore then. Have you thought about leaving?”

“I– not yet,” I stuttered and paused for a second to collect my thoughts on this topic. I hadn’t really thought about it too closely yet. We’d only just kissed. We hadn’t even talked about it. “I hadn’t had the opportunity to settle all this with him. Maybe one of us will leave sooner than later. I just hope you’ll continue to support us.”

“Don’t worry about that, I told you I’ll always be there if you need someone to listen. And I’m happy for you guys, too. It’s just that …”

“It won’t be easy, I know. Or maybe I don’t yet. But I really don’t care because I’ve never felt so good in my entire life before, Shinpei.”

I knew that he wanted to give me this little ‘don’t-take-it-so-lightly’-lecture to take along, a well-intentioned piece of advice. Because now I knew that he did know better. He was worried, he cared. And I appreciated his input so much. But I knew that I wanted to take this risk. Maybe I was really going crazy and couldn’t think straight anymore, but if the world stopped just because I loved a man, the world was simply not ready for me.

In front of me, Shinpei smiled warmly.

“You know, I’m telling _you_ because I think you’d like to be prepared. They want to bring Manpei on for a short visit. If you want to talk to him, I could brief him for you. I’m sure you’ll find somewhere to go where the cameras won’t follow you.”

Even though it was obviously well-meant, Shinpei’s suggestion took me aback a little. For a short second, the panic attack I’d suffered after he’d confronted me in the bathroom back then flashed before my eyes and I had to gulp subconsciously at the unwelcomed memories. I obviously knew that Manpei wouldn’t judge me but the thought of telling another person was still so bone-shakingly scary to me. Nervous, I fumbled with my fingers to find a single coherent thought in my empty mind.

“I don’t need to, though. It’s just an offer, Masato.”

“No. No, I think I’d really like that,” I tried a careful smile that ultimately felt very much real and needed as it spread across my face. “I’d appreciate that a lot, Shinpei.”


	9. Confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song: [Coldrain – Confession](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtHhk6FulTo)  
> 

It had been a couple of days since our first kiss and I could not say that I’d found a satisfying way of coping with all that lust and greed I’d been experiencing whenever I could spare a moment to look at him. Hiroki’s way of coping was, on the other hand, quite more interesting: whenever he could cram it in, he would make a point of showing up in our room shirtless when I was relaxing on the couch upstairs. No matter if Shinpei was around as well or not, no matter if the cameras were rolling. It wasn’t a very weird thing to do, really, we were men among men and it wasn’t even weird to get naked and bathe together. But it had become more frequent in the last couple of days and I was sure Shinpei had noticed that, too. Seeing that I’d still not told Hiroki that he knew about us, it made all this quite a bit more entertaining to watch as Shinpei had begun to nurture a habit of rolling his eyes at Hiro’s obvious intentions before going back to whatever he had been doing.

But Hiroki knew of course that there was no way I could avert my gaze at what was unfolding in front of me. My eyes were glued to his skin as he moved across the room light-footedly; never directly looking at me but I knew that he was making sure that I was observing him and I knew that he was fully aware that I was suffering painfully at the sight.

Maybe he did it because we still hadn’t had the time to spend a day together. Maybe he wanted to remind me of all the things that I could not currently get; basically saying: ‘I’m still here, don’t forget about me.’ And I was sure as hell not forgetting _about that_.

We’d had, however, spent a lot of time together in the house and everyone had been noticing effortlessly, saying things like ‘they seem to get along well these days, don’t they?’ And well yes, I could not argue against that. Hiroki and I were constantly occupying the playroom, watching movies. When we weren’t, we’d play a game of chess or lounge at the pool. The latter absolutely not because I was enjoying watching him being naked and wet. These days without an awkward surprise boner, thank God. We’d quit bickering and flirting in public so hard, although that much had just kind of shifted into our message conversation. It was an easy way of living; knowing that we could both be sure of the love we felt for each other without ‘having’ to progress too fast so soon. At least I thought so, anyway. The tension was still building inside of us and between us and was rising into even higher heights with every new touch, every dirty look, every suggestive text message and little smile directed at the other person. And although my body was aching for his, deep down I was sure that it was best this way. Maybe I really needed time to process all this after all, without realising it, maybe. Maybe, when we were finally able to kiss and touch each other without fearing that anyone could barge in any moment and see us, it would be even better.

I had thought about what Shinpei had reprimanded me for, however. How I’d treated Nena that day. To be fair, I’d gone into our date with a corrupted mindset; little motivation or even not being in the mood to entertain her at all. I hadn’t even tried to make an effort. Now that I’d had time to think about it all, I wasn’t sure anymore if she’d really been that obnoxious to begin with, maybe I’d just overreacted because I was so utterly and completely love-struck with Hiroki and jealous because I couldn’t be the one going on a date with him instead.

It had been a few days since that, so I feared that my apology might come too late, but I was sure that it could still be appreciated, nonetheless. I honestly thought that I’d done her wrong and that it was right to apologise, but some part of me wondered if I only attempted to do this because I didn’t want to fall out of favour with the viewers. 

This time, when I knocked at the door of the women’s bedroom and stepped in apologetically, I called Nena outside to talk with her. Having interrupted an obviously animated girl talk, it was late night already and everyone was ready to go to bed, I felt a bit bad for snatching her away from the bedroom. But she didn’t object and didn’t want me to say what was on my mind in front of the others, so I was very relieved about that. Leading her determinedly to the living room couch, we sat down on it; Nena all the while making big eyes at me that made me swallow nervously.

“Is this about our date?”

I smiled wrily at her and felt myself nodding; aware that I had to be looking like a beaten dog. “I wanted to apologise to you because I think that it wasn’t fair to you how I behaved.”

When I looked at her anxiously, I saw that she needed time to process what I’d just said. She did take her time, which did achieve to make me more nervous somehow, but I figured that that was fair enough and she was entitled to it. When she finally began to nod, a small smile scurried across my lips. “We really didn’t get along well, did we?”

“I mean … yes. But I was a little bit on edge and that wasn’t your fault at all. I want you to know that,” I explained in a soft voice and noted how different it felt when we sat so close together in comparison to how it felt with Hiroki. She was beautiful alright; maybe more interesting looking, to be fair. But it didn’t feel right to imagine her hands in mine or her eyes on me. When she smiled, she looked so pretty, but not like home. “I should have said so earlier. And I would offer you to go for a coffee or something again, but next time just as friends, if that’s okay with you.”

“I figured that already,” she pursed her lips, but it looked friendly. “You’re still interested in Hanna, aren’t you?”

At that, I had to clear my throat momentarily, even though I should have known that she would ask me about it. Now that I was thinking about it too, I was sure that the women had to have talked about it. Talked about their infatuation for us men, something that our bedroom had been lacking a bit since Shinpei had found out about Hiroki and I and had probably deemed it unnecessary. So I figured that I should either tell her what she wanted to hear or at least start talking about the women more frequently so as not to attract any unwanted attention.

“I’m not 100% sure about that, I mean, I _am_ interested in her. I don’t know if I _like_ her yet, but yeah … essentially … yeah.”

Nena next to me nodded deliberately but didn’t look at me anymore. I bit my lip nervously, thinking that I might have said too much. All of a sudden, I felt guilty about basically having confessed to liking Hanna after all, even though that was clearly not the case at all anymore. Now I just felt a subtle panic attack bubble up inside of me, both at the prospect of knowing that Nena would definitely tell Hanna and at the thought of having basically verbally betrayed Hiroki, or at least it felt that way. I trusted that he would know that we still had to play this game as long as we were living inside this house and hoped for the best. That was all.

***

My heart was pounding in my chest excitedly. Hiroki and I were on our way to a small forest close to our house and I could feel my heartbeat in my throat.

It wasn’t a very long drive at all, we had the advantage of living just close enough to the centre of Tokyo and still far enough away that we could enjoy a bit of nature here and there. It had been Hiro’s idea, too, and the prospect of actually being alone with him again after our kiss made me numbingly ecstatic. We were just lucky enough to have found a day nearby on which there wasn’t any filming planned and we were both free. Just for good measure, however, we’d decided not to get touchy-feely or verbally obvious during the car-ride, even though the installed camera had to have been switched off.

When we’d finally parked the car and were walking towards a narrow and seemingly not very often used trail deeper into the forest, I exhaled a shaky breath before I reluctantly took his hand in mine. He immediately began to squeeze my hand tight in response and shot me one of his brightest smiles. The big ocean fish did a somersault in my lungs. I bit my lip. He was so pretty when he was all smiles and deliberately bumped into me while we walked and I could only just refrain from gripping his hips and pulling him closer.

“We should find a stump and make out on it,” Hiroki grinned with almost closed eyes and I shook my head incredulously at his light-hearted brashness. Our dynamic hadn’t really shifted all too much from the time before our confessions and it made my heart so light. I wanted that, this was exactly what I’d always wanted. And it still fucked with my head so bad that, out of all of them, _he_ had turned out to be the one for me.

“Don’t you think that’s still a bit risky?”

“And holding my hand isn’t? If anyone recognises us, they recognise us.”

I sighed but squeezed his hand tighter, nonetheless. He was right of course, and yet I’d felt the urge to put on a baseball cap to conceal my identity at least a bit. The chances of us seeing anyone who knew us here, or anyone really in the middle of this forest off the beaten track, was very small to begin with. Though I couldn’t help but wonder why Hiroki had been nurturing such a huge ‘fuck-them’-attitude.

“I guess so …” I mused with a short side-glance at Hiro, “maybe I’ll let myself be talked into a kiss or two.”

“Shame, I was kind of hoping for more than that …”

Again, I caught myself staring at him dumbfoundedly when his implication slowly began to sink in. I wasn’t sure if he’d really meant it but judging by his still very wide grin, and knowing him, he probably had. “You can’t just spring that on me like that.”

I was still smiling, though he caught my drift and nodded understandingly. Maybe I was the more careful one in this situation, even though something told me that his folk would be way less understanding than my family, friends, fans and label. But I was also apparently the one in this relationship with the least experience. And suddenly all these filthy thoughts came rushing back through my head and made me bite my lip again harder in slight awkwardness.

“You told me you’ve kissed another guy before me?”

“Yes.”

“Have you had sex with men before, too?”

I didn’t look at him when I asked, I was honestly a bit embarrassed about this whole thing and didn’t know if I’d wanted an answer to that, even though we were obviously supposed to be very mature and I’d had lots of straight sex before him, too. There was nothing to it, was there? But suddenly I had to imagine Hiroki in sexual situations with other men rather than in hypothetical ones with me. And I wasn’t sure why that bothered me. I wasn’t jealous and we all had a past, right?

“Yes …” It took him a while to continue and I could hear a weird cracking in his voice, maybe he was suddenly just as embarrassed for some reason, even though he’d had initiated this conversation all by himself. “You know, I am bisexual, I like women. But I prefer sex with men.”

I nodded as if I understood, but in reality, his answer had aroused even more questions that I wasn’t able to answer for myself, but I was also too awkward to blurt them out just like that. I wondered if sex with him felt like in my dream. I wondered if he’d moan just like that and was into all those things that we’d done. Even though this was obviously not the right time to talk about kinks and preferences, my head became dizzy with all those possibilities and prospects of new experiences with him.

“But you’ve always dreamed of being with me, haven’t you?”

I was teasing him a little, nothing more; even though these words rolled heavily off my tongue before I could have even imagined saying them. A small part of me wasn’t kidding, a small part of me truly wondered if that had been the case. It was almost as if I was drunk. I honestly wanted so badly to hear if he’d been infatuated with me before this show. I had this hunch, really. We’d had met before, when he’d just started out, and I’d heard that he’d been looking up to me. But now that I knew that he’d been bisexual this whole time … I couldn’t help but wonder.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” A confident, almost mocking-like, tone in his voice but after a short side glance at him, I knew that he did indeed know what I was on about after all. It was written all over his face and his mischievous smile, really. Suddenly I realised he didn’t even need to voice it. “I mean, you’re handsome enough …”

“Just enough, huh?”

My smile was big and wide when I stopped and let go of his hand in order to turn towards him; my cheeks hurt but I couldn’t bring myself to stop grinning so ridiculously excessively. Hiroki in front of me was mimicking my expression while I kept staring into his eyes without being able to tear myself away from him.

“Well, look at you, I’ve seen worse.”

I just couldn’t stand the tension anymore; it had been building up this whole time since we’d come back from our date. A tension that I wasn’t brave enough to settle inside the house, no matter if I thought that the cameras were off, or no one would see us. One little step in the wrong direction – and I wasn’t ready yet to face whatever would unfold afterwards. Here, however, now … I felt my composure slowly slip away under all this longing and tingling in my fingertips. Then I finally rushed forward; hands on the sides of his face, pulling him closer towards me. But that wasn’t necessary at all, as I learned, since he had been expecting my next move and kept pressing against me with all his strength that he could muster up. It made me smile into the kiss. Made my heart leap. I thought I had to have been reeking of sweat but cast that thought away not a moment later. I didn’t care. I was sure that he didn’t care, either.

He felt so good in my arms. I didn’t want to let go of him. But when we finally did part, he had the most blissful look on his face. I caught myself turning around to look if there was anyone close by, but there wasn’t.

“That’ll teach ya,” I told him then with a shaky voice as if I wasn’t sure if I should say anything like that, I realised, but in reality I was just so taken aback and was so out of breath from our kiss that I couldn’t seem to walk straight anymore. My head was dizzy, cloudy. I saw it in Hiroki’s face too that he knew exactly what was going on, although he did not look nearly as knackered as I felt. Let’s say that I wasn’t a very good liar.

“Okay … I used to watch some of your lives all the time. I admired your stage presence, let’s say. You glow up there. I’ve wished to be as good as you one day.”

I smiled warmly and cupped his right cheek with one of my hands, brushing my thumb over his soft skin. I had the urge to go back in and peck his lips a short second time but then I didn’t. “I think you’re fantastic when you’re on stage. You’re natural. Our styles might be different.”

I had watched one or two videos of their lives too since I’d realised that I was enamoured with him, not gonna lie. It was an indescribable atmosphere, something that drew you in and fascinated you, something that you couldn’t seem to withdraw from. Watching lives had such a personal feeling to it, even though you might only ever see the musician’s stage persona up there. Artists will always leave rawness in their performances, a heart splinter of themselves. I loved that. It brought me closer to Hiroki, made me feel closer to him, somehow. Made me feel like I’d gotten to know him better, especially as someone who knew exactly how it was like to be stage.

But I’d also, again, gotten hard watching him perform; he was amazing at flirting with the camera. He knew exactly how to move and how to smile. Had made me dream about how it was like to touch him and hold him in my arms. But now I was wondering if he’d ever jerked off to my lives, too. Instead of voicing that, however, I only bit my tongue in awkwardness. We’d only ever kissed, and although I was dying to see him naked and touch him and feel his body on mine, I couldn’t help but feel that we weren’t at that stage yet, somehow.

“You’re hot when you’re shouting, too,” Hiroki grinned, so close to my face, and suddenly I was back again without any air in my lungs. Why couldn’t I just take a simple compliment from someone I knew was into me anymore without hyperventilating?

“How about a private performance then?” I asked breathless and wasn’t sure I meant it.

Hiroki laughed enthusiastically. “What are you planning to do? Scream in my face while you’re fucking me?”

That shut me up alright. What a big, filthy mouth he had! Wow. You never would have guessed. While I was imagining all these things, he was voicing them. It wasn’t my fault at all that I then began to imagine what it would be like to fuck him. Looking at him dumbfounded, I swallowed hard before opening my mouth to see if my brain had anything to say to that spontaneously.

“I might as well do that.” _Guess not_ …

Fuck, why did conversations with him always end up being so unbearably sexual? It was almost as though he couldn’t help it. But now that we both knew that we were head over heels for each other, I couldn’t just change the subject any longer, and didn’t feel like doing so, either. I wanted to feel him so badly, no matter if I was inexperienced or not, I wasn’t nervous at the prospect. Just startlingly excited. It had been long since I’d last started a relationship and didn’t just give into the urge of wanting to make the other person scream in pleasure undeneath me. I wasn’t used to it, this yearning and desperation for the other person as if we weren’t allowed to go through with it.

“I’ve always thought you were so _way_ out of my league,” Hiroki muttered, obviously not bothered by what I’d just said in the slightest, and moved yet again closer until he could reach my lips with his. And again, I fell into this black hole and kissed him right back without a second thought. This time, _I_ pressed myself against him. I felt his boner through the fabrics of our pants, and I realised this couldn’t just go on like this any longer here. I might had to eat him up alive completely where we stood. “Please, let’s just get a love hotel room for tonight. I’m going up in flames here.”

I watched him incredulously, now he was the one panting and sighing and obviously in distress, which made him look so God damn pretty I couldn’t even stand it anymore. My hand was resting on his stunningly gorgeous neck and for a second, I wondered if he’d like it if I pressed harder; if he’d make an even more beautiful face then, gasping for air. We were both off our rockers from arousal, that much was sure. Somewhere inside my head I wondered if he was so desperate to sleep with me because he was worried I might chicken out after all; that this was all a big, insanely happy dream that he would soon be waking up from. So I again pressed my lips onto his; this time not so much desperate as determined and loving. When we parted and I could feel his breath on my skin, I leaned my forehead against his, like the first time after we’d kissed that night.

“That’s really not a great idea right now, I’m sorry. Hiroki, I like you a lot. And I won’t just disappear. I know it’s hard. I would do nothing better than to spend the night with you. Honestly? I’m going up in flames here too, you don’t have any idea,” I laughed breathlessly and was taken aback by how exhausted I suddenly felt after my short monologue. “Please, let’s wait it out a bit. There’s gonna be a way soon.”

I then wrapped my arms around him and pulled him into a tight hug. Something that we both hadn’t yet done for some reason. I noticed how we both smelled faintly of sweat, but his perfume was brilliant, and he wrapped himself around me so easily and naturally as if he’d never done anything else in his life. I smiled blissfully and pressed him even harder against my chest. Feeling all these muscles and soft skin on my body was numbingly perfect. The way his chest fit on my chest.

“Fine. Then don’t complain if I sext you out of the blue, yeah? You had it coming,” I heard him mumble in my shirt and so I pressed a smiling kiss into the shock of his hair. I wasn’t sure if he’d actually do that, knowing him: probably, yeah. But I wasn’t lying if I said that I was even more excited at the prospect. Maybe even more so than at the thought of going to a love hotel with him this night. Sexting … did give you the chance of gradually getting to know the other person more deeply; their thought process, preferences and even kinks. Granted, we could just talk about all this, but there was just no time, was there? It made me horny to know that we both _had_ to wait it out. It made me even more excited. “Just … stay with me, please. I’m going to get crazy in this place.”

I tried to suppress a smile at his words but ultimately didn’t really succeed in doing so, so I ruffled through his hair in order to deflect from that. I got that he was worried about the other women, probably especially Hanna though, but there was no need to worry. None at all. I was positively _intoxicated_ by him. There was no way I could get off this drug. “Don’t worry, I will.”

*******

A few days later, we’d organised a barbecue get-together. It had been sunny and way too hot the whole day through, so now that the sun was slowly setting on the horizon, it was still pretty warm and I didn’t think that anyone of us would need a jacket or anything like that once it got dark.

While Hanna was launching in oversized, loose shorts and shirt, which reminded me of sportswear somehow but suited her figure and style perfectly, Nena was wearing a long, flowing maxi-dress and I realised that it was quite interesting to see what tastes and style made of people.

We were all in a pretty good mood and had knocked back a few beers already. The sound system was in charge of playing uplifting music in the background and everyone was in good spirits except for the cat who was still not allowed outside but made a point of observing us all from the side-lines as always. One day or the other he’d probably set the whole house on fire if he could.

It was a shame I was not sitting next to Hiroki at the long table but ultimately, seeing that we were getting drunker and drunker by the minute, it was probably for the best. I could not guarantee that I wouldn’t have to deal with wandering hands; either mine or his. So I felt relieved that I had Shinpei sitting next to me on one side and Hanna on the other – although I had to admit that I was still kind of nervous about the latter. Yes, Hanna had been very composed and mature, I didn’t know her any differently really, but Hiroki was sitting right in front of me and I could feel thick fog slowly beginning to rise inside my head.

Then Shinpei, of all people, had the amazing idea to introduce a new drinking game and suddenly I felt like I was 16 years old again. I loved a drink or two now and then, I loved hard alcohol, too. I’d never been prone to fall for addictions – other than love of course, haha. So I was objectively fine with that. Especially since I was already kind of intoxicated and had deemed it a very good idea in the first place.

Shinpei explained that a deck of cards shall be placed on a bottle opening. Each person then had to shuffle close to the cards and try to blow one card, _just one_ , off the deck. If they’d blow off more, they’d have to drink. If the whole card deck lands on the table, they’d have to take a shot.

Feeling confident in my _blow skills_ after two drinks, I volunteered to make the first move and three cards instead of one tumbled aimlessly onto the table. I made a disappointed, loud noise and scrunched up my face in drunken upset. Then I drank. And when Hiroki’s and my eyes locked, I accidentally swallowed too much and chocked on my beer. He was intently looking at me. I bit my lip and tried to act as though there was nothing wrong at all before Hanna tried her best and succeeded. Everyone gave a small cheer and let their attention wander to the next person. Something told me that I would be far less reliable and even worse at that game in a short amount of time.

When we’d finished the game – and oh wonder, the one who suggested it had won – I could say without lying that we were all pretty drunk now, even the ones who had been kind of good. The sun had set completely by then, it was shatteringly dark around us; but Sayuri had at least installed some fairy lights and there were tea candles on the table. The warm light illuminated everyone’s faces in a warm orange hue but seeing how blessed Hiroki looked with that small smile on his lips was everything that I needed to see this evening. So I kept staring at him.

“I thought you’d do better, Masato,” Hanna purred sweetly in my direction. I shot her an amused but warm smile; she was practically leaning against me by then. She was honestly so drunk already, but it was kind of cute … in a non-sexual, non-loving way, of course. I just had a soft spot for intoxicated women who sought attention in a charming, pleasant manner. But I did notice Hiro’s looks on me intimately at our interaction; knowing that he probably wished to be sitting next to me instead. Being able to be the one who was leaning against me so close.

“Well, what should I say? Unlucky at cards, lucky in love?” I smiled awkwardly as she leaned her head against my shoulder, almost as if she was about to fall asleep. I realised what I’d just said and hoped that she would not project that onto herself and this situation because something told me that Nena had definitely told her about our last conversation down in the living room. And now I felt too awkward to decline her attempts at getting closer to me without actually being sure that that was what she was doing. I was just so puzzled over the fact that she was now so touchy-feely all of a sudden. Granted, in all the time we’d lived together, I hadn’t seen her that drunk. So, even though she acted kind of out of character, I wrote it off to the alcohol in her system and tried to laugh it off.

I wasn’t quite sure why, but suddenly the mood threatened to turn ugly. While Nena seemed to be very interested in observing what was happening between Hanna and I, I could see her looking in the corner of my eyes, Shinpei was whispering with Sayuri … and Hiroki? He was staring at the table, saying nothing at all. _Fuck_ , I reprimanded myself, there had to have been a way out of that – because I could already see it falling apart in front of my eyes. Rejecting, however, was not one of my specialties.

“Should I get you some water, Hanna?” I asked her softly and tried to get her to sit straight again by rubbing her arm and back. Maybe she was just cold and couldn’t voice it any longer? What a mess, really. But Hanna just brushed through her face and then proceeded to stare into my face as if she was searching for an answer in my eyes. I huffed a small but awkward smile.

“I’m fine, thanks. But will you come with me for a second to talk?”

That she could even say two words clearly without falling asleep midsentence was a wonder in itself and did trip me up on some level, but now I was suddenly being confronted with an even bigger problem. With a strange sense of nervousness creeping into my bones, I couldn’t quite hide it but I was sure that she was too drunk to realise, I scratched my head and began to nod. I was too afraid to shoot another glance at Hiroki and hoped that he would know that there was no way I could get out of this; refusing this. “Okay?”

I felt all eyes on me when we stood up from the table to go someplace more quiet, when she stopped, however, I realised we were still standing in visual range to the others, which did make me even more nervous even though it was so dark already. Not knowing what to do, I stuffed my hands in my pockets and tried to compose myself. We were not standing very far apart and through the darkness I could still make out her fragile but lovely features. I swallowed. I shouldn’t have told Nena.

“We haven’t been doing a lot together these past few weeks, have we?”

I shook my head slowly and rummaged through my brain to find a possible answer to her next question already but I could not begin to guess what it would entail. “I guess we’ve both been pretty busy …”

“Didn’t you like our date?”

I bit my lip at that and tried to suppress a frustrated sigh that was climbing its way up my throat. What a stupid question, I couldn’t even say no to that, it would have been a lie, anyway. “I did like it a lot, we’ve had lots of fun … don’t you think?”

“That’s why I don’t get why you’ve been so distant lately. You can tell me if you’re not interested anymore, yeah?”

She smiled a lovely smile then that I could make out easily through the shadows even, one of those that glowed but I knew was sort of fake. Yeah, I could tell her, but it would make her sad, anyway. And here came again my inability to say ‘no.’

“I am, though … I am, just …”

I didn’t get why it had been so easy to tell Nena that I was not interested in her when it was so hard to tell Hanna the same. It wasn’t because I was honestly still infatuated with her, maybe it was because we did have lots of fun and got along and I didn’t want to hurt her. Anxiously, I dragged the back of my hand over my lips and didn’t know what to add to that anymore, even though I had intended to. I had been about to explain that there might be someone else. Or that I thought that she was a great woman but that I didn’t think that there were any feelings involved. But then my head stayed empty – until suddenly her lips were on mine and I stood there – rooted to the spot.

I could literally not move while she was so close to me, I had not seen it coming at all. I didn’t even know that she’d had anything like that in her; that she’d had been harbouring these emotions all this time. I just felt how I tensed up through this kiss and her fingertips on me and how she finally came to realise that she probably shouldn’t have done that. When we parted, she covered her mouth with one of her hands and looked positively apologetic.

Oh God, this was like a God damn Hollywood movie.

“You didn’t want to do that, did you?”

“It came a bit out of the blue, yeah,” I admitted in a low voice but felt sorry for how miserable she now looked as she stood there in front of me. So I reached out to ruffle through her short hair that she wasn’t wearing in a ponytail this time. “Listen, I think it’s best we talk about this tomorrow, okay? When we both had a good night’s sleep?”

It gave me time to think about what I should tell her. Deep down, I already knew that of course. But with her, for some reason, I felt too awkward to voice it directly just like that. The words ‘sorry, I like you, but I don’t think this is working’ seemed to be so hard to say to her, even though I was 100% sure that I was not interested in her anymore at all. I wasn’t even sure if I’d honestly, really, been interested in her in the first place. She was fun, she was pretty and mature and I could see her being a wonderful partner and wife … but I didn’t have butterflies in my stomach when I looked at her.

In front of me, Hanna nodded sleepily, and I could see her biting her lip in the darkness. Maybe she did know that she had fucked it up a bit and regretted having talked to me in such a drunken state. But now that our little encounter was over, I felt my heart drop at the prospect of having to turn around and face everyone; but especially Hiroki. I could feel my heartbeat in my ears when we finally strolled towards the others but to my own horror I was faced with partial vacantness. Hiroki was nowhere to be found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry lol, it has to be that way, hasn't it? DRAMA, baby


	10. Bury Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I didn't update in a while because I haven't actually finished the last two chapters (and stuff like that bothers me). Fortunately, there's only a bit missing of chapter 11, but a good chunk of chapter 12. And I haven't really felt like writing these couple of weeks. I really hope I'll find my muse again but welp
> 
> The drama continues. 
> 
> Chapter song: [Coldrain – Bury Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59VDafBX8vc)  
> 

« _YOU_ : I’m sorry, Hiroki. She was drunk and she kissed me, that’s all. I didn’t want this to happen. You know that, don’t you? »

« _YOU_ : Please answer, Hiro. »

Like in a daze, I stared at the illuminated letters on the screen of my phone. My sent messages in our LINE conversation were marked as ‘read,’ since yesterday already on top of that, but he just wouldn’t answer. I couldn’t get it into my head, either. What a big idiot. We had all been drunk and he should have _known_ that I had no intentions of playing him. Could I even try and begin to imagine me being with someone who lost faith in us so easily and had so little confidence that my every step had to be thoroughly thought through?

I was confused, to tell the truth. Very much so, because in my eyes I hadn’t done anything wrong but he hadn’t even given me the chance to explain. He’d just bailed. And now he wasn’t answering his God damn phone. I’d even tried to call him … in the bathroom. And now I sat here on my bed, with Koutaro-kun sleeping on my lap, confused and angry and sad. What a fucked-up situation when you had all this built-up anger, hurt, confusion and restlessness inside of you that had nowhere to go, no outlet. You couldn’t talk about it and, let’s be honest, it wouldn’t just go away if you destroyed something, either. A distraction? A distraction would be magnificent right now. Because I wasn’t sure what to do and I feared that I wouldn’t be able to do anything in the next few days if someone wouldn’t be so nice as to kick my stupid ass. I knew myself; I wouldn’t be able to move my arse all on my own otherwise.

I sighed, still staring at the screen; deciding if I should add anything. I knew that it probably wouldn’t achieve a thing, if anything it would only drive him away further if I was especially unlucky today. I just wanted to get it out of my system, tell him that I’m so mad at him for ignoring me, that it was childish and really no way to treat your significant other in a mature and loving relationship. But even though I wasn’t sure anymore if he even still had the urge to be with me, I would only imply that _I_ wasn’t so sure about all this anymore now and … I was scared to take that step. Our love might still be fragile but deep down I still had faith in us. Or at least I wanted to have faith in us. He’d given me such an indescribable adrenaline and euphoria rush and I wasn’t ready just yet to let that go. I trusted that it was all a misunderstanding and that we would be able to talk it out more thoroughly soon, we’d apologise and that would be it.

Koutaro-kun lay there sleeping as I scratched his head, sighing at this sight. It was a stupid habit of mine to retreat to my cave when something was bothering me, but I couldn’t seem to snap out of it. Then, out of nowhere, I heard a knock at the door. Hanna stuck her head in and bowed apologetically. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

I gestured for her to come in, and although I felt a bit stupid that I didn’t get up from my bed, I just couldn’t seem to accept the idea of disturbing the sleeping cat on my lap. Hanna understood though and dropped down to sit on the floor in front of me.

“Sorry, Masato, I can’t shake off that feeling that I should apologise to you …” Hanna looked positively crestfallen in front of me; her brown strands of hair were loose and falling in her face. It took a moment for her to look up and meet my eyes. I tried a wry smile and shook my head to let go of that image and my thoughts, but no matter how hard I tried, she still looked like I felt.

“I appreciate you doing that, really. But there’s no reason to. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But I shouldn’t have kissed you without your consent. You clearly didn’t want that.”

I pursed my lips as I looked at her. On my lap, Koutaro-kun had probably been bothered by the sudden tumult and prepared to go someplace quieter. I sighed sadly as I watched him trod off. I still hadn’t answered Hanna because I was rummaging through my head for anything to say – for anything that helped me understand what I even wanted to say.

“You know, we were all a bit drunk. And I basically told you that I’m still interested in you. How could you have known?”

Hanna shrugged and obviously felt a bit at a loss here, too. I hated to see her like that. We hadn’t spent a lot of time together after our first date, even though it had gone great! I’d just assumed that she had been busy, somewhere else with her thoughts entirely or was just not that interested in me after all. And then the Hiroki chaos had started, and I’d lost sight of her completely. If anything, I should be apologising _to her_. But I couldn’t really tell her why, could I? Either way, I was yet to feel brave enough to tell her that there was someone else I was interested in.

“But that’s not the case anymore then, I take it?” Her words sounded rough, whispered through her teeth, but she didn’t look upset or hurt. I bit my lip as I nodded lazily. Looking at us, we would probably have made a great couple.

“I’m sorry, Hanna, I should have told you way earlier. And I shouldn’t have lied to you yesterday. I’m just … so confused right now.”

It was the truth after all and I hoped that she would understand and wouldn’t ask uncomfortable questions before I was ready to give any answers. But she only shot me a short smile from where she was sitting on the ground and I felt relief spread through my veins. Even if she wasn’t entirely honest, I trusted that she wouldn’t hold any grudges. She wasn’t the type to do that and I appreciated that personality trait a lot.

“It’s okay. I bet you didn’t choose to feel like that,” Hanna breathed softly but I could still feel that last bit of unresolved disappointment in her voice. I nodded. “But if you ever feel like talking, or in case you’ve changed your mind, just hit me up, okay?”

*******

« _YOU_ : I miss you, Hiro. The others are worried, too. »

It had been another few days without hearing anything from him. It had tugged on my nerves and messed with my emotions in the most annoying way possible. I hadn’t slept much, knowing that the upper-bunk bed would stay empty again this night and I hadn’t eaten much either, despite Shinpei’s best efforts to feed me his best cuisine. And all the while I was trying desperately not to let it show too much; but every single smile that had crept onto my lips and every single laugh that had found its way up my throat only tricked me into feeling like another dirty imposter. I felt so stupid about it all, too. Like I didn’t even deserve to be upset or feel down because it was such a minor thing, wasn’t it? I was in my 30’s, what was I even doing pining for a little immature brat, anyway, like I had nothing better to do? But the thing here was: I knew that I couldn’t help it – which somehow made this whole thing way worse.

Shinpei and I had had a short talk about it all the other day. Hiroki had told him that he’d need to sleep at home for a while until the last production steps for their upcoming album were completed. Why he’d had to flee the scene so suddenly without telling anyone first was not part of the questions he could answer that evening before he’d went, however. Although Shinpei knew exactly why of course. He’d told me not to overthink it so much. Even if he wasn’t answering his phone. He’d come around and if he didn’t – well, then I had my answer, too. That wasn’t quite what I’d hoped for, but I knew of course that he was right, like he always was.

And then, suddenly and out of the blue one day, I was confronted with Manpei who had arrived exactly at the same time as Hiroki. Without so much as a word beforehand. And I felt so overwhelmed like I hadn’t felt since I’d realised my feelings for that God damn Tokyo brat. What made it all a hell of a lot more ridiculous, though, was the fact that Hiroki was acting as if nothing had ever been wrong; huge smiles and loud laughs. But aside from a few random looks that I just couldn’t seem to interpret, he wasn’t thinking of talking to me at all.

The moment Manpei had walked through the door, Shinpei had rushed forward to give him a long hug and it left me a bit baffled; the fact that this seemingly wise man could suddenly look so excited like a little child.

“It’s not the same without you at home,” Manpei had laughed after the embrace, the first words that had left his lips after the initial greeting. Hiroki had been standing next to them a bit awkward the whole time really, almost as if he was a part of this weird duo but in reality, they had just taken his grand re-emergence from him and he probably didn’t really know what to say or if he should say anything at all. I, for one, was aware that I’d been clenching my fists under the table way too hard for way too long already, but there was no way I was not going to end up exploding in the middle of the sharpness of this storm if I didn’t try hard to avoid it. Now we were sitting here at this table in our garden; laughing, joking, smiling, talking and Hiroki’s body heat radiating towards me from where he was sitting next to me on my right hand side was slowly but surely going to drive me nuts.

“You really look so much alike, that’s crazy,” exclaimed a still astounded Nena for the probably third time today. She wasn’t even able to tear her eyes away from them for a couple of seconds. I had to admit, yes, they looked alike. But there was no point in acting like they were not real people. “I loved Gekiranger, but for some reason I just couldn’t get into Ouran.”

Manpei shrugged, and you could tell that he usually wasn’t the one taking the lead when they were together. “It’s definitely over the top, I can see why that’s not for everybody.”

“But you did enjoy it?” Hanna asked before taking a sip from her waterglass. Her eyes were directed at them with a sharp look that made me wonder what she was actually thinking. She was lovely when she laughed and she laughed a lot, but when she didn’t it almost spooked you. “Filming it, I mean.”

“It was such a great experience for us,” Shinpei chimed in with a huge smile on his lips and nodded towards his brother, “I mean, we got to work with Yamamoto Yusuke and Daito Shunsuke and Bisco-Sensei of course. We’d been fans of the manga beforehand. We saw that there were twins in there and thought ‘if this is ever going to end up as a drama, we want to play them!’”

“But wasn’t it … awkward to do the scenes?” Sayuri suddenly asked what we had all been wondering about in all honesty; I could see it on their flustered faces. I chuckled amused under my breath and actually reaped a surprised look from Hiroki that made me stop in my tracks in an instance. Fortunately, the twins didn’t seem bothered, had probably even expected these kind of questions, anyway. Shinpei was really good at talking, too. I admired that a lot about him.

“At first … a bit, maybe. But it wasn’t as though that had been a surprise to us when we got the roles. And it soon felt sort of … normal to us, too. We’re close anyway, we could just laugh it off.” Shinpei finished his monologue with a look at Manpei who energetically looked back, nodding. “It was easy after we’ve realised that.”

“Interesting that they’d even leave that in,” Sayuri continued musing about this whole thing; completely ignoring that everyone else but the twins felt slightly uncomfortable talking about it so bluntly. But I guessed it was okay as long as you didn’t bother _them_. “A theme like homosexuality is still so looked down upon in the media, but incest …”

“Well, it’s not real incest though, is it?” It was a short smile coming from Shinpei and for a few seconds I wondered what Manpei, who’d been so silent in this conversation, was thinking about. And then I couldn’t help myself but to shoot a curious side-glance at Hiroki which became so hard to break away from. We were sitting mere inches apart, my heart ached to finally feel his hand in mine again, but he was staring straight ahead with crossed arms and a crossed look on his face. I gulped. “It’s just a fantasy, anyway.”

He said so with such certainty in his eyes that I wasn’t quite sure if he was talking about the themes of incest or homosexuality. And I could feel my heart break a little over that specific thought. I knew he didn’t mean it, but I’d felt exceedingly emotional today anyway and I was sure that every little thing would achieve to scratch away at this thin wall that I’d built for myself so as not to break down as easily over the stupidest things anymore. I felt that even addressing topics like homosexuality would drag me down so low if I couldn’t talk it out with Hiroki on the spot, or at least sometime today. But looking at him, I honestly wasn’t sure if that would ever happen. And it hurt like nothing I’d ever felt before. For the very first time I wasn’t sure after all if we could make it. If he even still wanted to make it with me.

« _SHINPEI_ : Manpei’s gone somewhere around the house. Go take a look. But better don’t stay too long. »

He’d arranged that talk for us and I still hadn’t thanked him properly. We surely could have talked via LINE too but he was right in saying that it would probably work more natural this way. Feeling adrenaline rush through my veins and into my fingertips, I suddenly wasn’t so sure about talking to him anymore after all, though. We were all on a bit of a ‘break.’ Hiroki was … who the hell knew, really, Hanna and Nena were preparing dinner and Sayuri had to go run some errands, so it had been the perfect opportunity. But now I was again scared shitless, though I clenched my fists again to find the last bit of courage in my blood and go find Manpei who was sitting on an old fence at the edge of a small forest patch which was not really a forest at all. He smiled warmly, but still kind of awkward, when I got closer and finally sat down next to him.

“I feel a bit guilty that Shinpei told me about you, I’m sorry,” I started off without looking him in the eyes because that particular instance was still very much ingrained in my memories and made me cringe whenever our talk popped into my head. Manpei was sitting very still next to me, as fragile as a baby bird maybe; there was no denying that there was a different vibe to him than there was to his brother, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, though. His presence was somewhat calming, without needing to make an effort. And now I wondered if that was what all the other people who’d met him had felt, too.

“He wouldn’t have done that if he didn’t trust you,” he nodded and when I turned my head to look at him, he smiled and there were dimples prominent on his cheeks. I noticed how his face was thinner and longer, his eyes seemed smaller but kinder and his lips looked somehow different altogether. Suddenly I wasn’t sure anymore how people who met them once could still mix them up. “And that’s why I can trust you, too. It’s okay. I’m happy to talk to you.”

“I appreciate that a lot … although I don’t quite know where to start.” Obviously, I hadn’t ever needed to do anything like that before. Something that felt so right in the pit of my stomach when I thought about it and yet scared the living hell out of me. I didn’t know how much Shinpei had told him beforehand, I wasn’t sure how much time we had on our hands or how much I should even give away. I wasn’t good at these emotional talks and always feared that I could bother them with too few or too much information. “How much … do you know already?”

“That you’re in love with that guy and that you’re both interested in each other but can’t show anyone and now you don’t know what to do.”

“That’s … accurate,” I deadpanned and was baffled at how precise and straightforward he presented these facts as if he was about to defend a written paper, which I wasn’t sure about how that made me feel but a part of me admired that. “We don’t talk right now, though … so there’s that.”

I fumbled with my fingers nervously and couldn’t seem to tear my eyes away from them. Suddenly all that I’d felt after he’d just turned up again without saying a word to me came crashing down on me after all and I had to hold my breath in order not to start crying then and there. I did manage to hold my tears at bay, I wasn’t a huge crier, but the fact that my chest could even hurt this badly out of the blue just like that when I thought about him took me by surprise way too suddenly for my tastes. We weren’t in a relationship, this whole thing between us hadn’t even been a thing at all only a few weeks back, but it hurt like I’d just lost a childhood friend. It hurt the way it did when you cared for someone so intensely only to find out that there’s nothing you could do to make them care about you in exchange. I couldn’t _force_ him to act differently to make me feel at peace – and it hurt.

“I noticed. You seemed a bit tense around each other.” I could feel Manpei’s looks on me, but I didn’t return his comforting gaze. “What’s the reason?”

“Another woman kissed me while we were drunk and then he didn’t come home for a few days. He’s stopped talking to me, he wouldn’t even let me explain.”

Again, while I was saying these things, I realised that I hadn’t known I’d held all this in me and was capable of throwing these words at Manpei just like that without stopping to draw in a breath. And on top of that, it made me insanely nervous that Manpei was now silent; contemplating my words and choosing what he was about to say to that very carefully. As if he knew that I was still on the brink of tears and didn’t want to upset me any further, but I only felt mad thinking about it. Mad like the time I shouted at Shinpei when he’d dared to give me advice. But I knew that I was only lashing out because I’d suddenly realised that I was more heartbroken over this current situation than I had cared to admit before. So I tried my hardest to compose myself. Manpei didn’t deserve my wrath.

“Have you talked about being together before?”

I thought about our trip to the forest and began to nod lazily. “I can’t say that we’ve chosen to call it a ‘relationship’ already … But I did not give any doubts for him to think that I’m not sure about this or … that I’m playing with him.”

I was absolutely positive about that. Maybe we should have even been clearer about it all, but this thing we had going on was still so new to me, too. No matter how I looked at this, I couldn’t see any faults in my behaviour.

“I can only guess what happened here, Masato, I’m sorry … but,” Manpei started to explain and adjusted himself on the fence as if he was sitting uncomfortably but I could tell that these words he was about to say were perhaps more uncomfortable than his posture. “I’ve been in such a situation before, though. And I can give you my input if you want me to. But that doesn’t mean that what I’m saying is definitely the case.”

“No, please go on.” I longed for an answer, or something resembling that at least, since it wasn’t very likely that I would receive any from Hiroki in the near future. In my mind, it was something I could hold onto, even if what Manpei had to say was hopeless and pessimistic at best. Maybe then I could start to navigate through this mess or, in the worst case, lay it all to rest.

“It seems to me that he’s unsure if he wants to make you go through all that …” I could see it in his eyes that he was choosing his words very carefully again and I felt myself grabbing my arm to hold for comfort; as protection too, maybe. I didn’t quite understand what his point here was or where he was going with it. It didn’t make any sense to me and these thoughts might have shown on my face, guessing from how Manpei was now looking at me a bit lost. “I can’t look into his head–“

“No need, he’s got a pig head,” I cut him off a bit too harshly which I only realised after I’d uttered those words. The grip on my arm tightened. I sighed. That did seem to happen to me more and more often these days. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you.”

But to my surprise, Manpei didn’t seem to mind seeing that he swiftly broke out into amused laughter. It was a pretty laugh, too, I noted during this short moment of silence between us. He was of even slighter build than Shinpei, if that could even be the case. His large shirt was about to swallow him whole and his petite arms peeked out of his sleeves like seaweed swaying in a current. As I watched him closely I couldn’t help but wonder how someone so fragile looking could be so strong.

“I don’t want to come across as rude here, but I do envy you, you know? You seem to love him a lot. And he loves you, too. I’ve seen how he looks at you.”

I tried to hold his gaze then but ultimately failed and had to look down eventually, but all the while with a small smile on my lips. It did make me mad that Manpei was so convinced of that and could tell so easily, if he wasn’t exaggerating this to make me feel better, that was. I just couldn’t see it, couldn’t understand why Hiro acted that way then. Distractedly, I played with my fingers, I just couldn’t seem to look up with these words on my tongue. “I don’t see it, though. He would at least want to talk to me if that were the case, wouldn’t he?”

“I think he might be scared that he could stand in the way of your happiness, don’t you think? Is it the first time you’ve fallen for a guy?” Those words left his mouth lazily, in a low voice, as if he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to ask me this question but didn’t want to ask for permission or apologise once again, either. I’d already told him to be frank with me, anyway. I knew what he was trying to get at, I knew where this conversation was going. The things he’d told me, those were all things I’d already somehow understood and accepted deep within me.

“Yes … I know what you’re trying to tell me. But it shouldn’t matter if you love someone … right? He shouldn’t be the one taking this decision from me.”

“Then go tell him.” Manpei’s face was stern and honest then when he finally got off the fence and turned around to face me; I couldn’t dodge his eyes any longer. For a second I wondered if there had ever been a person who’d told him all these things he was now telling me or if those were words he’d wished someone had told him at some point in his life. But this newly lit flame inside of me, breathing warmth and strength back through my whole body, was proof enough for me that I’d needed to hear them so desperately. I was so madly in depth to these stupidly wise twin brothers at this point, it was ridiculous. “I’m sure he needs to hear exactly that out of your mouth.”

*******

It was the next day, night actually, when I’d finally realised what I was supposed to do. Hiroki had still not deigned to look at me really, like he wasn’t actually seeing me. He’d once answered an irrelevant question of mine, probably so that no one was going to suspect anything, although it slowly became more ridiculous by the minute, that thought that they hadn’t caught onto us suddenly not hanging around each other anymore like some socialised domestic animals. But now that everyone was out of house again but us, there was no way we could avoid each other any longer. I almost expected him to leave as well so there was no way for me to confront him about anything, but he probably thought that I wouldn’t dare to do so, anyway.

_Well, think again._

He was lounging on the couch in the living room with his phone in hand and wasn’t even bothering to look at me when I came down the stairs. His grey sweatpants and dark hoodie looked cosy and I couldn’t figure out why he’d want to wear warm clothes like these when it was still so hot outside. He looked like he was about to sink deep into this mountain of clothes he’d built up around him and never see the light again. Only when he heard the strings on my guitar whisper as my fingers slipped on its neck did he cock his ears.

My heart wasn’t beating anymore at this point, it was screaming. Shoving all the blood through my veins in panic. This swooshing noise made me almost go deaf when I moved into his vision and sat down on the floor right in front of him. With my heartbeat in my fingertips.

“What are you doing? There’s no one here but me.” He said so in a sort of bored and dry voice, pokerfaced. But his busy fingers playing with his phone told me he wasn’t.

The cameras would only be turned off later that night, we both knew that, so it was God damn ballsy of me to even consider doing this, but drastic times called for drastic measures. I finally knew how to play my cards.

“I think you need to hear this, though.”

I saw him become nervous on the couch now for real. Having still not turned off his phone, he suddenly didn’t know where to look anymore. Moving into a cross-legged position, he couldn’t seem to decide how to keep still – which in turn only achieved to make me more anxious as well. I swallowed a big lump in my throat as I positioned my guitar and began to search for the right chords. Tried to calm my breathing, tried to calm this fish in my chest. I didn’t even know why I was so nervous all of a sudden, I did the thing that I always did. Singing was like second nature to me. But this time Hiro was on the receiving end – only Hiroki. And I had only his eyes to look into as those words rolled off my tongue.

_In an endless spiral  
I'm down too far to know where I belong again  
Lost in my denial  
I've become a ghost to everything I've done  
Again_

_Now I feel so hollow and it's all my fault  
Just tell me where to go from here_

I was both lost in this song and in Hiro’s expression. Those lyrics came automatically and my fingers moved entirely on their own, I didn’t hear myself, my panicking heart was still too loud in my ears. I hadn’t been nervous anymore the moment I’d sung the first syllables, but my body still hadn’t truly caught up with my feelings. All I wanted was to read the expressions on his face, but he just stared blankly at me; his phone now in his lap; disregarded.

_If only I could see myself like you see me  
Then maybe I could finally be the one I need to be_

_Bury me  
Six feet under until I wake up  
Bury me  
'Cause I can't live, no I can't live like this  
Even though my heart's still beating  
Even though my heart's still beating on  
I'm hardly breathing_

The longer I was singing this song, the more I felt like this had been the right idea and I’d chosen the right song. I’d liked to think that he was speechless, seeing me perform only for him like this. I’d like to think that he felt the same fuzzy feeling in his stomach when he looked at me and watched me sing. I still couldn’t be sure, his cold attitude had thrown me off guard a lot those couple of days and I was so _tired_. I wanted him so badly. I could have told him so over text, but I’d feared that he wouldn’t have regarded that in any way, either.

It felt freeing too, to be singing like this. To be singing a song with lyrics like these that so closely resembled our current situation. Just another song for the crowd watching, but Hiroki understood. He had to. Yelling these words with all my heart, I didn’t even feel them scratching at my throat.

_Can I break the cycle  
Because I'm sick of feeling  
I'm against the world again_

_If only I could love myself like you love me  
Then maybe I could finally be the one I need to be_

It might have been risky, choosing this song. Because although it was not your typical love song, people might be wondering why I’d chosen this one specifically to perform in front of Hiroki alone. But I wasn’t kidding around, not for one moment anymore. At this point I couldn’t have cared less about the public or my image. At this point I would rather tell the world than lose him.

Hiroki was by now clutching at his mouth almost as though he was preventing himself from saying something, but in reality I saw his glassy eyes glisten so unmistakably familiar. I almost stumbled over my own words.

_The further that I get, the more I think  
I'm blinded by regret, and this is how I sink in me  
10 years past but I can't see  
Why am I still running from myself  
When this is all that's left for me_

_Can I break the cycle  
Because I'm sick of always feeling like it's me against the world_

Why did it always have to be so dramatic? My life had always been so lovely drama-free before. But I’d take this. I’d take this over anything.

With a shaky breath, I put my guitar aside. And then Hiro fled.


	11. F.T.T.T.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, guys, I really want to speed up this process and finish this story so that I have time and enough head-space for my other projects. So here's to hoping that I will be able to finish that last chapter fast.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: This chapter is full of smut and dirty talk, lol. I'm sorry. It's almost 7,000 words of sex. What can I say, Hiro's got a big, filthy mouth. Don't die, ok. 
> 
> (Yes, I love me some broken and hysterical and crying Hiro, ok. I love it).
> 
> Chapter song: [Coldrain – F.T.T.T.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S6Jl5zw8K78)  
> 

I didn’t want to be _that guy_. Hiroki had barricaded himself in the bathroom and although he hadn’t locked himself in, I was at a loss to decide if I should knock or even try to get inside to talk with him. My heart was beating so fast, nervous trembling spells spreading through my entire body; telling me that I had to figure out what was happening fast, maybe try to comfort him. If there was anything to comfort, that was. Instead, I was pacing up and down like an impatient tiger, not exactly knowing if there were any cameras close by or if I should even bother thinking about that. Finally, though, when I’d heard a chopped off sob, something in me clicked and I knocked tentatively – and, for the love of God, Hiroki fortunately told me to ‘get in.’

He’d been standing right behind the door when I entered and resumed his former position the moment I’d closed the door behind us again. There were tear streaks painting grey lines down his cheeks when I looked at him, breathlessly. He wouldn’t meet my eyes, but it was clear that he’d been upset to the point of breaking down. It hurt, seeing him like this. Because I knew that I couldn’t have prevented this, maybe even conjured it up in the first place? I wasn’t sure.

“Hiro, say something,” I begged shakily, because I felt so helpless in all of this. I didn’t want to watch him cry or know that he was hurting. I felt so restless. Maybe I’d gone too far. I wasn’t sure. But all he did was to crouch in this claustrophobic space between shower and the opposite wall right next to the door and not look at me. His hands were clutching at his mouth and he was sobbing voicelessly. I couldn’t take this, I almost felt like I had to start crying myself. “Hiro, I’m here, you know that. I won’t just leave.”

When he finally looked at me then, it stung so bad in my chest. His deep brown eyes were red and glassy, and there were tears blooming in his eyes like weeds. Then he ultimately collapsed onto the floor; wailing. There was just no way I could bear looking at him like this, it made me tear up instantly after all. So I swallowed a big lump in my throat and kneeled down to pull him into my arms; firmly. Finally, the dam had broken and the wall between us was crumbling down, and so was his guard. I felt him relaxing into my touch.

“Listen, Hiro, I love you, I’ve told you before. I meant that. I love you. Only _you_. And I want you. It’s not gonna be easy, but I’m aware of that and I still want you. No one’s gonna change that.”

My breath was painting his neck a wet pink and he was clawing at my arms and back like his life depended on it. He wouldn’t let go and I didn’t want him to, so I pressed myself harder against him and momentarily had to smile at that. Our breaths left our mouths shakily, half stuck in our throats. I swallowed down some tears myself and wondered if he’d ever thought this through until the end. Had he ever begun to consider _my_ feelings in all this? Hadn’t he ever wondered what _I’d_ been planning for us?

“I know … I’m sorry,” he sobbed against my skin, and although it was wet and uncomfortable, I let him. We were probably way too loud but I didn’t care. I hugged him tighter. I didn’t want to let go; I was so scared. So endlessly scared to lose him now that I’d _only_ _gotten him_. “I shouldn’t have ignored you.”

“No, you shouldn’t have,” I breathed, and finally it felt like the air was reaching my lungs again. Finally, he was talking, acknowledging me. I took the opportunity and breathed in deeply. It felt like I was born anew again. “But it’s okay now, if you want it to. It’ll be okay then.”

“Do you promise to stay?”

The cracking in his voice was heart breaking. He felt like a lost boy in my arms that night and for a moment I did not know if we could ever truly overcome this. But then I blinked away those first ounces of doubt and tried to concentrate on the now. Maybe today wasn’t the day I should pester him about all the whys. I consoled myself with the thought that we would soon hopefully be spending so much more time together and that I would get to know him better piece by piece. I’d learn his quirks and all his fears and worries and every day we’d get closer to understanding each other a little bit better, too. I’d hear about his whys soon enough. This night I promised myself that I would eventually mend his broken heart. No matter what it would take.

“I will,” I told him, even though I knew that there was no way you could promise anyone something like this. But I also knew how vulnerable he was right now and how badly he needed to hear those words and I certainly did not think about abandoning him any time soon. I knew he’d asked this of me sometime before already. This was obviously something he was truly anxious about, so I dived in to hug him tighter. “I told you before, but I’ll tell you again: I promise you that I will stay. I care about you a hell of a lot. I don’t know how that could have happened so fast, but it did. You need to trust me on that, okay?”

There was no way he could avoid me again after that. If he’d do so anyway, I would have to take appropriate measures but until then I was hoping to be able to dream of our future together again. I was sure that he knew that I’d given him a second chance and I was sure that he knew how to take it. He was clinging to the back of my neck like a scared bear cup. The floor was cold and uncomfortable, and his nose still wet against my skin, but I had to smile nonetheless when he dared to nod slowly against my clavicle. His hair tickled my nose, so I shoved it deeper into it in order to let his scent cloud my senses. I just wanted to take him with me, put him into bed right next to me, hug him tight to my chest and don’t let go until sunrise.

“I promise you that I will,” he whispered with a hoarse voice that I almost couldn’t make out; I knew that he was thinking about what to say … and maybe what he shouldn’t say. But whatever he was trying to convey, I was just plainly happy about the fact that he’d melted right in my arms just like that. He felt like clay, not rice. “I just … I can’t do this anymore, here. I’m going insane just from this craving alone. It makes me act so … irrationally.”

This time then, as I took a deep breath that crawled down oddly sharp in my throat, I freed myself from our embrace to lean back in order to take him in fully. His eyes were puffy and his cheeks as if he’d smeared red lipstick all over them; messy. But he was still so beautiful to me and right this second I knew that I wanted to take him either way. Good or bad days, I’d have his back.

With my heart full to the brim with sincere affection, I cupped his cheeks. The way he looked back made my knees go weak in an instance.

“Shinpei’s only going to come home late, he’ll go straight to sleep,” I started to suggest and had to close my eyes momentarily at old memories flooding my head suddenly; dreams of him kissing me and stealing my breath. But this was not where I was going tonight. “And they’re going to turn off the cameras at 12am. They won’t be filming tomorrow …”

Hiroki looked at me incredulously, as if he couldn’t believe what was happening, which made me laugh out loud in affect, a bit embarrassed. I shook my head and pressed our foreheads together. Talking was difficult under these circumstances. My breathing had become shallow and I knew that I was getting aroused with all these possibilities floating around in my head. I swallowed hard and concentrated on the way some strands of his hair moved under the force of my breath.

“I mean … I’ll let you sleep in my bed later, yeah? No touching, though. I mean … _real_ touching.” I had to laugh at that too, awkwardly. I was still not used to all this pining and nervousness. I wanted to touch him, so very badly actually, but I didn’t want to embarrass Shinpei and I didn’t want to slip up accidentally, either. Yeah, we could have gone to a love hotel, yes, we could have just been all over each other in the bathroom. But to accidentally let all of them know that we had a thing going on was honestly my limit; I didn’t need to let them in on what kinks I was into. “Lots of cuddling. But when the sun goes up, you’ll have to go to your own bed again. Okay?”

Again, I felt him nod against my shoulder before he freed himself from my touch; one of these eager ‘don’t let him know that I’m too excited’-kind-of-nods, as if he was scared I could pull away after all when I noticed that he’d only been waiting for me to suggest anything like that. I had so smile softly at the fact that he seemed so happy all of a sudden.

He’d stopped sobbing by then too, now he’d finally calmed down under my careful touch, and I hadn’t known how much I’d really been longing for seeing him so content.

It was pitch black in our room that was filled with Shinpei’s deafening snoring noises when I heard Hiroki light-footedly climb down the stairs. I held my breath before he reached my bed and suddenly realised that it probably would have been a better move to transfer all this to Hiro’s upper-bunk bed instead, with Shinpei lying next to us and all, but now that he stood right next to me, his silhouette grey and blurry in the darkness, I felt like I physically couldn’t reject him, not even for a moment. My heart beat faster when he finally came around to actually skid closer. I knew we weren’t going to sleep together, but the thought of ‘just cuddling’ curiously managed to make me even more nervous than the idea of getting intimate with him. Hastily so, I folded back my duvet and slid a tad closer to the wall to make room for him. Not a single second passed, and he’d already positioned himself next to me as if he’d been about to freeze outside. In point of fact, he did begin to shiver slightly next to me, but I wasn’t sure if out of tension and nervousness or if he’d really been just cold. Though, after a few seconds, I realised that I did not care for an answer to this question and let my instincts take over and pull him closer to my chest. His breathless sigh then made me smile against his temple. The big ocean fish in my chest had never felt so contended.

“This feels so good,” I whispered in his shock of hair and momentarily listened to Shinpei’s continued snoring to check if we were still good. My hands wanted to wander over his body, but instead they were busy pressing him against me and I didn’t want to let go just yet. This was the first time that we’d let ourselves enjoy being together like that. We’d had our private time together before, but never like this. Never so intimate and without haste.

When I’d finally realised that he wasn’t going to flee and he would stay like this, close to my chest, without me having to make sure of it, my arms finally relaxed around him. With careful fingers dancing on his skin, I let my hands slide from his neck down to his clothed back. Felt the muscles underneath my fingertips, sucked in all his body heat like an avalanche survivor. I loved the way he breathed yearning against my skin, I loved the way he shuddered at my touch and nuzzled his nose against the crook of my neck.

I wasn’t sure how I could ever begin to try and fall asleep like this; I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to tonight.

“There’s more where that came from, if you want to, you know.” Hiro’s voice was hoarse, and he was careful not to raise his voice, but I could taste this faint sense of mischief in the air between us. I sighed helplessly and listened intently to the way his body redirected the moist heat back at me; clouding my senses. Pulling him yet again closer. I couldn’t help it at all, alone the thought of finally being able to touch him made my arousal climb even higher heights. I wanted to touch him, so badly, but I wouldn’t allow myself. Didn’t help that he was by then pressing his body against mine in a sort of challenging invitation.

“I know. You promised me, though. And I missed you. And I just want to hold you.”

“How am I ever going to get some sleep like this, though?” he sighed defeatedly as he turned around to let me hug him from behind; insisting on rubbing his butt against my crotch ‘accidentally.’ I heard him snicker. I pulled him closer. His warm, firm chest against my arm felt like the last missing puzzle piece. His fingertips were trailing an invisible line along my wrists. His touches were as delicate as the soft water of a calm brook. I just wanted to melt right into them.

“I don’t know, I don’t think we’ll be getting any. But I’m okay with that.”

That was when he guided my hand down his body towards his own crotch. At first, I tensed up. Not sure if out of unwillingness due to agreed upon conditions or a spontaneously manifesting penis-panic after all. It only lasted for a very short second, however, and was gone the moment the tips of my fingers reached the fabric of his boxershorts. For a moment I forgot what I’d told him only an instance before all this. All I felt was the warm dampness of his shorts and faintly the hard shape of his cock right where my fingernails grazed the hem of his pants. Overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions and thoughts, I let out my breath that I’d held in and he twitched when the hot air flowed over the sensitive skin on the back of his neck.

I let my hand rest where the hem touched his hip bones. Maybe I’d touch him after. I just might.

“You don’t have to touch me. But you could, you know? You don’t even have to start or finish anything. Just touching is okay. You can touch me wherever you like and leave it at that, you know?”

I bit down hard on my bottom lip when I realised that he’d had me, all over again. He was, organically so, taking the lead like he’d always been supposed to in this relationship. And I again had to admit to myself that I liked it this way. I wanted to obey and hang on his every word; he was the more experienced one between us after all. I liked his indication towards ‘no musts, just choices.’ And even though we used to be on the same page about ‘no touching’ in the real world, somehow it seemed to me that he was actually ruling over me right then and there, in bed, and it didn’t feel anything but right to surrender to him and his wants. And I was just _so curious_.

“It’s just that I feel so guilty with Shinpei lying next to us,” I whispered as quietly as I could but was somehow worried that he could wake up any second, nonetheless. Maybe I just didn’t want to be _that guy_. It was a matter of respect, anyway. But now Hiroki was squirming in my arms like crazy, making me flush bright red right up to the tip of my ears.

“We could just go to the bathroom. The cameras are turned off.” He sounded desperate; willing to commit any mischief that shot through this thick head of his without a moment’s hesitation. Feeling how I was slowly getting hooked; seeing the safety of the shore silently drift away from me, I let out a shaky sigh and pressed my hard cock against his butt. I wouldn’t take him up on his offer. We’d stay here, like we’d agreed upon. And we would keep struggling to come to terms with the fact that we could not touch each other here, no matter how much we wanted it.

Thinking properly about it, I was sure that he’d have to feel more stressed out about all this than me, surely. I longed for him, yes, and I wanted to touch him. But his quivering voice, his body language, his rapid breathing – he was going more insane by the minute. He’d had sex with men before. Maybe I could _just about_ hold back because I hadn’t experienced anything like this before. I wasn’t _scared_ per se, I was just excited, in all the right and wrong ways. He just couldn’t wait because there was no wall between him and his ‘first gay sex.’ I wasn’t labelling it like that either in my head, it wasn’t such a big thing, really. There wasn’t anything like a ‘big gay panic’ inside of me after all, even if I’d thought so at first. But I did wonder about it. I wondered if my self-control would have started to crumble away sooner if he’d been a woman. I wondered.

“We’ll stay here. And if you’re wondering, I’m just gonna take a look.”

With these words, I finally swallowed down that last bit of doubt I’d found on my tongue and let my fingers slide down his body; tentatively cupping his balls, feeling him twitch in my hand. Thrown off guard, I held my breath. He was hot and damp and aroused underneath my touch and somehow I didn’t think something as simple as this could feel so addictive. What I hadn’t expected to happen, however, was him drawing in a trembling breath and letting out the single most soul-shatteringly moan I’d ever heard coming out of a man’s mouth. I hadn’t even so much as touched his cock, but I was so alarmed by it that I hurried to place my other hand over his lips in an instance. The feeling of them pressing against my palm only achieved to bother me further, however. Making me want to trace them with my fingertips, letting one finger slide inside his mouth. I sobbed against the back of his head. Then I finally moved my hand to let it run up his shaft, right up to his tip, feeling how his cock twitched into my touch, and I couldn’t believe the waves of excitement and pleasure that rushed through my body. I only faintly realised that I was still pressing my own cock against his back. Hiroki was breathing hard through my fingers.

I wanted to keep touching him – one kiss placed on his dark brown shock of hair – I wanted to feel his warm skin down there without a layer of fabric – another kiss onto the tip of his ear – I wanted to make him moan a lot louder, I wanted to hear how pleasure felt like for him – my fingertips playing with his soft lips – I wanted to look into his blissful face when he came.

Something in me snapped again then, like it had happened several times now with him, and I turned him around to press my mouth against his. Soft lips against hot breath. Desperate moans muffled with even more desperate pulls and pushes. I was only able to stop once I noticed his hand pulling at my wrist. Holding me still. Indicating me to go silent. To wait. Wait.

I couldn’t feel my breath leaving my lungs, I only saw it reflected in his dark eyes, clouding his vision. I gulped as I pulled away.

“Stop,” he whispered breathless, and I could sense a faint hint of amusement in his voice. Then he started to laugh breathlessly against my lips and I chimed in; trying to be just as quiet. Then a kiss. My nose itched. “I think that’s enough for today.”

“Oh, so now you’re the reasonable one?”

“Yeah, because I’m sure you need to be told. You can’t resist me.” His breath painted the roof of my mouth. He was wheezing and definitely as distressed as I felt right this second. Pinning him down underneath me wasn’t enough anymore here. Trying to calm my agitated heart, I tried to sit up straight in bed, ignoring both our erections with utmost diligence; rubbing my cheeks and brushing over my face with my hands. I hadn’t realised that my inner instincts could so easily take over just like that without a second’s thought left in my bones. I could have swallowed him whole then and there.

“You’re right. I can’t. Let’s just lay down and try to rest … no touching.”

He giggled when we repositioned and suddenly my hard cock was again pressed flat against his butt. It still stole my breath and I was still aroused up to the tip of my hairs. But it still felt good holding him in my arms like this. It felt _enough_. For this moment alone.

Kissing him goodnight somewhere on his neck, I pressed him closer to my chest once more and felt my heart beat faster in excitement at what was about to come. Shinpei next to us was still snoring deeply in his dreams.

*******

It was devastatingly boring in this huge house when I was all on my own. I couldn’t for the life of me seem to remember what I would do in this situation at home. Maybe go for a walk with Oreo, maybe attempt to write some songs, maybe try to eat my weight in snacks. I even caught myself thinking that I missed this stupid chunky grey cat that had, by the time he’d had to leave with Manpei the other day, begun to love sleeping on my lap. Why was it anyway that cats decided that humans who didn’t care for them were the most interesting humans out of them all?

A short thought about maybe enjoying some pool-time on my own rushed through my head, but I succumbed to the numbing sensation of my bland mood before I could even try and get up from where I was sitting. I sighed. Then a text message.

« _HIRO_ : What are you wearing right now? »

When I read Hiro’s message, I wasn’t able to supress peals of laughter at his little reference to how we used to flirt ‘back in the day.’ Absolutely and positively amused, I pressed the palm of my hand against my cheek and gave way to the little happy smile that spread across my face. He was working today, _busy busy_ ; busier than I had been with Coldrain these days because we’d just finished recording before I’d moved here, so we hadn’t had much time to spend together recently.

« _YOU_ : Sad to tell you that you’d have to find that out yourself. »

I bit my lip in anticipation of his next message. It had been a while since we’d last bantered and talked about sex too, even though our mutual pining had not yet seized to be, of course. If anything, it had gotten worse after the night we’d spent together in the same bed. I’d touched him, even though I could not yet be sure how he looked like, but that somehow made it even worse. I feared that, when we’d finally be able to have sex, I would cum way too quickly. I’d never before had to hold back so ferociously.

« _HIRO_ : Go on and send me a picture then. »

« _YOU_ : I will _not_ do that. » I laughed, but I had to admit that I felt half embarrassed and half insanely turned on by the thought alone. I wondered where he currently was that he felt bold enough to say things like that to me. I knew that no one would be back here until late at night, but it was a filming-day nonetheless, Shinpei and Nena had a date, and I certainly didn’t feel brave enough to nurse a hard-on then and there.

« _HIRO_ : Then you’ll have to deal with me telling you that I’m _dying here_ to swallow down your thick cock. I mean it. I am so turned-on right now, Masato. I can’t hold that in anymore. »

Okay, that got way too sexual way too fast, then.

Out of reflex, I pressed my legs together and clapped my hand to my mouth. Rubbed through my face. Tried to breathe but it seemed like that was not a valid option, either. Alone the thought of Hiroki, wherever he was, thinking about sucking my dick and then voicing it made me want to climb up the walls. I didn’t even know what to say to that. I could only stare at the letters on the screen and try to calm my shaking hands. All the while still pressing my legs together and hoping for the best. But the images that he’d conjured up wouldn’t leave me alone.

« _YOU_ : Don’t you think that there’s a better time for that, though? »

I was secretly going up in flames. Maybe there was a way, but for some reason I was just so nervous at the prospect alone. I didn’t know what he was thinking. Knowing Hiroki, however, I was sure that he wasn’t really thinking at all when it came to his sexual desires.

« _HIRO_ : I told you I’d sext you. Now you either have to deal with it or go along, I don’t care. »

« _YOU_ : Hiro, I can’t risk getting hard here … I’m sitting in the bedroom. There’s cameras. »

« _HIRO_ : Then go to the bathroom. I want you to jerk off. I want to listen to you. »

Listen? I tilted my head in confusion as I read these words, wondering what he’d meant with that. But then, out of nowhere, my phone screen went blank and signalled that he was trying to reach me. Panicking, I jumped up from the couch and fled in the direction of the bathroom; only to take the call when I finally got to shut the door behind me. With a running heart up to my throat, I held the phone to my ears. _Shit, I should have just rejected his call._

“Hiro?” I heard myself asking with a weak, low voice. The bathroom was cold, which was pleasant during this summer heat and cooled my confused head down nicely, but it also felt a bit like when you’ve been drinking all night and then you’re standing up to go outside and suddenly it hits you full-on because of the coolness of the night. _I was so drunk with him._

 _“Are you in the bathroom?”_ His voice was unusually raspy and there were no other noises but his breathing to be heard on the other line.

“Yes, but–”

_“Then listen. I want you to sit down, take off your shirt and pull out your cock. You listen to me, don’t talk back. I want to hear your little breaths and moans. Understood?”_

I swallowed a lump in my throat after I’d listened to his strict voice telling me exactly what he had been planning in his head before he’d called me. I never knew– I never could have known that he could be _so_ demanding and dominant. I’d _dreamed_ of it, literally, but now that it was happening, it was just jaw-dropping. My mouth felt so dry, I wasn’t even sure I could manage to agree to this. But suddenly feeling like I could not reject him, and frankly said I honestly didn’t want to deep down, I did as I was told and sat down against the wall on the ground after I’d pulled off my shirt. My hard cock was flat against my naked stomach in the blink of an eye and alone the thought of actually jerking off to his voice and instructions made me feverishly hot. I’d never really jerked off inside this house before, it had never felt right, although I had to admit that being abstinent wasn’t one of my favourite things to endure. So I was already bursting with pent-up arousal and there was no way I could hold back any longer.

_“Your hard cock felt so good against my ass last night. You know, I would have loved to turn you onto your back and taste you. I want to take you so far in that you touch the back of my throat. I bet you taste so fucking good.”_

His hoarse voice and the words that he was purring into the phone made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on edge. I exhaled all the air that I’d held in my lungs shakily after I’d realised and watched as my cock twitched when I began to picture his full lips around my dick; his big hazel eyes all on me. I couldn’t suppress a desperate moan at that, and I heard Hiroki chuckle on the other end. No one had ever talked to me like that before _and I was living for it_.

_“Grab your cock tightly for me, love, I want you to imagine my lips around you. But pull on it slowly, I only want you to get in the mood.”_

My breath was already stuck half-way in my throat at his words. I still couldn’t believe that this was my reality now, but my head was already so clouded with arousal that all repercussions didn’t matter to me anymore. I loved the way Hiroki’s voice came raspy and idly out of his mouth and I loved to think that he was either jerking off right now too or was saving all this for later when he could get off to the memory of our conversation. In any case, he was as turned on as I was and now that I could finally put my hand around my cock for the first time in what felt like an eternity in itself, I couldn’t hold back a small sigh at the sensation. My dick felt warm and was pulsating between my fingers impatiently. I closed my eyes and all I could see were Hiro’s lips and how he’d grin before he’d lick across the tip of my cock.

_“If I’d be with you right now, I’d kiss along your jawline and sink my teeth into your neck. You’d love to feel my fingers press against your skin and make you choke on your sobs when I squeeze harder, wouldn’t you? You’ll let me take over you gladly. You’ll practically push yourself against me. You’ll only want more. Are you really so desperate?”_

“Yes,” I answered breathlessly without having processed this stray thought first, it had already escaped my lips by then. A knee-jerk reaction. I was already so bothered, my head beet-red, my breathing shallow and fast. Yes, I _was_ so desperate. It had been so long since I’d jerked off and I only now realised how horny I’d really been with all this bantering and flirting and sexual tension between us. I already felt like bursting, gripping my cock was on the verge of being painful. I just wanted him here, telling me all these things right to my face, I wanted him to choke me and then immediately after proceed to choke on my cock instead.

 _“You’re not supposed to talk, haven’t you been listening carefully?”_ Hiroki purred, probably in order not to be so loud, but I could hear it in his voice that he tried to sound especially strict, which made my cock twitch again in my tight grip. _“I know you’re desperate. I know you are dying to fuck my mouth. But maybe you just need to be taught a good lesson first. I bet you’d be willing to fuck yourself with a vibrator and let me watch, wouldn’t you? I know you’d be so good. Pushing it in nice and deep and spreading your legs so I can see it all.”_

I gasped and finally began to jerk myself off properly; my knees felt so weak, like all of my body really, so that the sudden thought of not being able to hold that phone to my ear any longer came rushing through my head. Sparks shot through my body from my groin and into my fingertips and I wasn’t sure how loud I was moaning. I just couldn’t control it anymore. His words were way too much for me to handle. I had to think about all this and in this moment, I was sure that I would have done anything he’d told me to without a moment’s hesitation. I’d honestly never before thought about being penetrated or penetrating myself, I’d never felt the urge, but listening to him talk like that, it suddenly seemed like a relevant option. Even the thought of him watching me, and I absolutely embarrassed by it, shot flaming arrows into my stomach. Open legs, foreign object in my ass, hard cock begging for a release, his dark eyes on my wet skin; and me listening blindly for any order he’d grant me. A shaky whimper left my lips at these images.

_“I’d tie you up, sweetheart, and I’d turn up the vibrations ‘till you’re a crying mess. You’ll want to cum right onto your chest for me, won’t you?”_

My hand was moving faster by then, gripping myself tighter. My head felt hot against the cool tiles and I swallowed his voice expectantly like honey down my throat. I couldn’t think about the cameras anymore and that I was not at home here. I just knew that my grip felt so freaking good and that I would do whatever Hiroki had in store for me. I could already feel it tingling in my fingertips and toes; my breathing rapid and out of control. Little huffs and sobs escaping my chapped lips. I desperately wanted to agree or ask him what he’d do to me after that. I wanted him to say it, to continue this thought-experiment. One part of me hoped, _desperately_ , that he’d tell me that he’d fuck me afterwards.

I knew I couldn’t last any longer, thinking about this.

 _“You’re so horny for me right now, aren’t you?”_ Hiro gave a little, choked laugh that almost made my heart stop.

He didn’t even know half the extent of it. He’d set the bar so unspeakably high with his words alone today that I feared that I’d act like a little virgin once I actually, properly, got to touch him next time. I didn’t even know who I was anymore and what I liked. I’d always thought about letting him suck my cock first and then maybe fucking him afterwards. But now I was nursing this idea of him having his way with me and I wasn’t even _mad_. I was enjoying myself. I couldn’t get enough of this idea and there was no way I could get it out of my head. I suddenly realised … I really did want him to. I wanted him to have his way with me.

_“Love, are you close? Grip your cock harder for me, will you? Imagine how it will be like when I’ll finally pull that vibrator out of you and replace it with my dick. God, you’ll love it, won’t you? I’ll fuck you deep and nicely, with long and hard and slow thrusts, and you’re gonna beg for me to let you cum. And when you’re finally ready, I’ll pull out and cum all over your chest and cock, too.”_

This was it. Being reminded of my dream in which cuming on me had played an important part, I couldn’t suppress my moans any longer. They grew louder and raspier and I bit my lip in desperation when I finally orgasmed; cuming on my chest and groin and hand and even if he was still saying anything, I couldn’t hear it. World = muted. My body felt hot to the touch and my head was full of cotton. Until I could finally feel myself breathing again, several seconds had passed.

God, cuming had never before felt so fucking good.

Still out of breath, I couldn’t quite believe what had just happened between us and I was too awkward to say anything after, so I only swallowed nervously and inspected all that spunk on my body, sighing. I hated cleaning myself up after things like these happened, maybe I would just jump into the shower afterwards, but before an orgasm, the thought of having all that cum on me turned me on so badly it had surprised me myself.

 _“Did I make you feel good, love?”_ Hiroki’s voice now was soft, even warm and caring; it fucked with my head so badly that he had been the one to say all these filthy things just a minute ago. I wanted more of it, now I was hooked. That feeling did not subside, not even after I’d cum. It felt like a prelude, like a foreplay. I wanted him to go through with all the things he’d promised me. _“Go clean yourself up. I love you. I’ll be there later and when you’re good, I’ll give you a taste of what I did with you today the next time we are finally alone.”_

*******

The day had finally come on which Hiro had planned to confess that he would be leaving the house.

We’d talked it over beforehand when we’d been alone and over LINE, too. My heart had been hammering in my chest wildly at the thought alone all day and I could not yet tell if out of sadness that we wouldn’t be living together anymore after this or out of excitement that, maybe, just maybe, we’d be free to see each other as much as we liked soon. Alone.

This time, Hiro was sitting right next to me at the long dinner table after we’d eaten, each of us some alcoholic beverage in front of us, only Hanna was nursing a juice. I could feel the tension that he was doubtlessly feeling right now warming up my own skin; making me as dizzy and squirrelly as himself. I knew he was waiting for the right time, I saw his little unsure glances and careful nips and heard his nervous laughter. I would have loved to place my right hand on his thigh for encouragement, but I realised that that would have probably felt off to everyone else, of course. So I folded my hands in front of my face and pressed my lips against my fingers. And waited. Laughed at some jokes at the appropriate time. I knew that he’d do it sooner or later. Being nervous about it really did achieve nothing. I would have loved to take this off his shoulders but there was nothing I could have done.

“I … have something to tell you,” Hiroki then suddenly began to introduce his undertaking out of nowhere after the last discussion had died off. I held my breath in silence and stared ahead at the table. I knew that everyone else was staring at him now – they knew what was coming. “I’m gonna move out this coming Saturday morning. I know it comes as a surprise …”

When I finally looked up and saw that Hiroki was now the only one who looked right at the table, my eyes met with pairs full of disbelief, confusion and while some were slowly watering up even, I saw a knowing smirk flutter across Shinpei’s lips.

“But– Hiro-Chan!” Ironically, Nena was the first one to open her mouth in a sort of protest, even though they had had not even so much as a friendship going on. It all made sense to me now though, when I looked at it closely, she seemed to crave some sort of steadiness and everyone had just begun to get used to the current constellation. “That’s sudden!”

“I know,” he breathed, almost apologetically, and he didn’t yet dare to look up from the table. His hands rested entwined on its surface. He still looked tense, even though I knew that he was secretly looking forward to leaving this house. “It’s just that … the production of our next album is in its final stages and there’s so much to do and recently I’ve been wondering if it really makes sense for me to live here when it’s getting busier now. I know I could have thought about it sooner …”

Again, I held my breath when I looked at him awkwardly staring at the tabletop. He wasn’t lying exactly, this was the perfect cover, really. And even though it had to be obvious to outsiders that I wasn’t as surprised as everyone else, I couldn’t bring myself to feign shock or disappointment.

“No, I’m sure it’s alright. You know best after all. You’ve already slept such a long time at home recently because of your recordings,” Sayuri tried to defuse the tension and meanwhile sounded, probably unintentionally, positively like she was trying to defend Hiro’s actions. Him next to me smiled somewhat crookedly at that and I myself had to suppress any peals of laughter at that, too. Half the people in this room knew exactly why he’d been away for a few days and the thought of it still made me slightly uncomfortable.

“Yes, it can’t really be helped. But I’ve had so much fun with you guys and I managed to make so many great memories here! I’m very thankful for that!”

Somehow I tuned out a bit afterwards and retreated into my own head for a second or two. My heart was beating uncontrollably with excitement that was yet to come. Still, the want of reaching for his hand next to me hadn’t ceased. There was talk about having a farewell-party in a few days with beer and cheers and laughter and all that shit to bid him goodbye and even though there was now room for a new love-interest, Nena’s eyes were still watering up and Hanna was the first one to lose a tear. I had to admit that I was quite taken aback when I saw that and her and I shared a comforting, friendly smile.

It wasn’t the end of the world, we knew that. For me, it would only be going on. For them, they would still be friends afterwards. We’d see each other again, we all would. And maybe, just maybe, there would come a time when we’d be able to tell them what had been going on.

And my heart was beating so fast with all the things I would love to have said.


End file.
